To let dd1 do ballet?

[arethereanyleftatall]

Dd1,9, has excelled at everything so far; academics, social, extra curricular, everything.
Dd2, 7, has no where near the same confidence level.
The both do lots of extra curricular stuff, dd2 has, presumably deliberately, chosen activities which her big sister doesn't do, and which aren't competitive.
Fine so far.
Except now dd1 wants to go back to ballet. Ballet is dd2s favourite thing in the world, she is not great at it, but thinks she is, so great.
Dd1 is very good at ballet; of all the things she's good at, this was probably her best, but she left for a different sport two years ago.
I know dd2 will be distraught if dd1 goes back to ballet, this is her chance to not be in the shadow of her sister in her mind.
But I'm thinking it's not fair to hold dd1 back from it, as this is not her fault, and let her do it, but continue to do whatever else I can to help dd2s confidence.
Aibu?

Families are meant to operate like microcosms of wider society.

Are they? Why?

To prepare your children to grow up and be able to function in widersociety?

I think it's cruel to limit your older daughter for the feelings of the younger one.

Perhaps have a request made to put them in separate classes, or send her to a different dancing school to take the sting away a little?

If not you simply have to have your DD2 learn the lesson that she isn't the best at all that she does. And continue to explore extracurricular activities for her - I'm sure there's something she'll excel at.

To the ones saying "she gave it up, she can't start again", OP made it clear that the reason she is hesitating is because of DS2, not because DD1 gave it up in the past.

But this could totally affect that.
DD1 has shown she wasn't committed before, even though she was 'very good at ballet; of all the things she's good at, this was probably her best' What if she starts only to give it up, again? Yet this time it could complete knock her sisters confidence in something she has shown commitment and passion for. It isn't just as simple as she wants to do it, let her.

You can usually tell how good children are at ballet by the exams they take. If they do not do exams, then it is less obvious and no-one is really good at it! It is then recreational. DD1 cannot be really good or she would not have given up and would have done exams with a high pass mark.

I agree with DoJo. Why do some children in a family continually have to be the worst at everything to mirror society? (And learn their position in society no doubt).They are 9 and 7. Plenty of people learn about being failures as adults when they can cope with it a bit more easily. Children already know they are not academic, not sporty not good at music by a fairly young age. What most parents try and do is find something they can do! Not pile on the pressure of competition for the jobs market at age 7.

DD2 should find something they enjoy without pressure from a more talented older child who clearly did not want to do ballet and cannot be that outstanding as she has not done it for 2 years and does not have the exams to prove brilliance. This is more to do with doing something better than her sister and sibling rivalry. If she was very talented she would not have given it up in the first place. My DD did Ballet from 4 to 17. No thought of ever giving it up.

I think dd1 should be allowed to do ballet. I was your dd1 in my family and my dsis was good at singing. My parents always praised her and when I wanted to learn, I was discouraged from doing so because it was 'her' thing. Not learning to sing has impacted my life in quite a few ways and I still resent my parents from discouraging me from doing something that could have fractionally tipped the balance on certain big decisions I made later and enriched my life in other ways. Also because they always over compensated for dsis, she never learned to stand on her own two feet.

I didn’t allow my trio to do the same activity at the competitive level. I never never wanted to compare them in that way. There was enough competition in the house; for my attention without it spilling into their activities.
Would one be interested in another form of dance? Or I’d just say no.

This is a real mixed bag of responses.

I'm just catching up, but to answer a few questions :

She is being allowed to go back in her same age group, same class she left. Her teacher was genuinely devastated when she left, I got a huge long letter about how talented she was, which I initially thought was marketing and later learnt wasn't.

She wants to do it again because she watched her friend in a show and wants to do that too. Nothing to do with dd2 (dd1 isn't a jealous character).

She won't have to give anything up, we can fit it around other stuff she does.

I don't mind how good either of them get at it, just want them to have opportunities.

I disagree with most of the previous posters.

For your DD2 always following along behind and feeling less good than her elder sister (and possibly others at school) at everything, shining in nothing, to have 'her' hobby 'taken away' by DD1 could be a Big Thing. (And if DD2 moved to something else, what would stop DD1 deciding she wanted to switch to that?)

Why not suggest to DD1 she does Contemporary or Tap instead? She has a 'grounding' in ballet, she can branch out.

x-post. but point still stands.

She did do one exam in ballet around when she was 6 or 7. Primary ballet I think. She got 94% distinction. I don't know how that compares.

Let her do ballet. Really. We should not be holding our kids back.

Chances are that even if DD1 is as talented as you say, she will have missed quite a lot of technique in the last two years. She is likely to be quite behind in her grade so she will have catching up to do.

DD2 should not be worried about being compared to her older sister as they in different grades/ classes. Also if DD2 really enjoys ballet as much as you say she does it is quite possible that her passion will mean that she keeps it as a hobby for longer that DD1 does as she has abandoned it before. Ballet gets harder as they get older and you find that lots of girls stop once they reach their teens.

I'm in two minds about this. As you didn't say to DD1 if you give up ballet you won't be able to do it again then there is no reason why you should stop her doing it.

However if she always excels DD2 in everything, then DD2 is going to have self-esteem issues.

Personally suggest another form of dance to DD1 to do, explaining she will be behind her ballet class due to giving it up, AND tell her she has to drop one of her other activities to do it. The reason for the second part is lots of kids end up getting stressed if they have too many activities and no time to just be bored. They also then have self-esteem issues as they think everyone expects them to excel at everything.

I'm really liking my the idea of encouraging them to do combined routines etc at home. Make it in to a positive thing for dd2 that her sisters starting again.

No, she wouldn't make dd2 feel small, she's not like that.

Not really fair to stop DD1 doing something just because her sister lacks confidence. Combined routines sounds good!

Re another form of dance - as far as I can tell you have to have ballet to be able to do many other things - contemporary, jazz etc all require basic ballet.

Also if your DD1 is only doing this to be in shows like her friend, she should consider whether the dance school will automatically allow her to take part in shows or what the requirements are for this. Lots of kids want to dance to do shows but they are not always as keen on doing all the hours of classes and learning technique.

This might actually be a good thing for them - if DD1 has missed two years she is going to be far, far behind everybody else in her class. Probably she will even be behind DD2 at first, because she will have forgotten a lot.

Maybe being the worst in the class for a bit will be character-building for DD1, and DD2 can help her catch up/see that there are things her elder sister doesn’t just excel at without trying.

(And the ballet exam grades aged 7 are meaningless - I used to get distinctions at that age too and I was certainly not a ballet prodigy. I had learned the steps and didn’t freeze on stage or wave at my mum, and that put me ahead of most six year olds).

Let DD1 go back to ballet - I can't see how that will upset DD2. She presumably knows her sister is good. If dance is something she really enjoys I'd encourage DD2 to take up another dance class as well as ballet. I don't think it matters whether she's outstanding. At this young age enjoyment is more important.

Yes. Lifes a competition. Thats just how it is.

Total rubbish. I actually found things way more competitive as a child than I ever have in adulthood. I was one who tended to do super well (at least academically) and actually struggled when I was first in the workforce due to the lack of competition. (I think I got used to the buzz of doing well and had to actually learn that I was part of a team now and it wasn't about me being the best).

Let her go back. Ballet is what you make of it...you get out what you put in. She hasn’t missed too much and won’t be behind. Ballet teaches respect, organisation, discipline, confidence and social skills.

Yes, her sister might not be as good but the age difference will keep them just far enough apart so it doesn’t impact too much.

I have a similar situation and both my two do the same hobbies. The youngest one excels at anything physical, the elder not so much. I just build them both up, encourage them both and concentrate on different aspects of their training.

I definitely wouldn't be preventing a 9 yr old returning to something they enjoy and are good at. The years where they're happy to try different things and chalk stuff up to experience are very short and I want mine to feel like they've tried everything they want to.

You say dd2 will be devastated if dd1 returns and that's what I would be trying to fix here. I've got similar aged girls and they understand that we're all good at different things and that they're 2 years apart in age too so won't achieve similar things on similar time lines necessarily.

Btw, Misty Copeland didn’t start ballet until she was 13!

OP - I would say don't overthink things here. All families have this issue to some extent. I have 2 daughters who are like chalk and cheese really, but all you can do is encourage them at every stage. Remember that development is not linear anyway - some children appear to be "prodigies" at 9, but by age 13 things have petered out. Other children come into their own at 13. You really can't tell how things will pan out. The main thing is to provide the opportunities for them to find their strengths.
I agree with PPs that a different ballet school might be the way forward?

Another issue DD1 might have will be expecting to swan in and be the best when her peers have been working hard for the last two years.