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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH should have told me?!

62 replies

fetacheeser · 05/06/2018 09:57

I'm pretty close to PiL, we get on well, and we see them a couple of times a month. I'm pregnant with their first GC.

Just last week I was texting FiL as he was meant to come up today to help out with powerwashing. Texted him this morning what time would suit. Got a call from MiL saying he'd had a heart attack on Thursday and has been in surgery etc.! I was shocked; DH has told me nothing and I felt horrified!

DH is at work now so I am not sure how to go about this but AIBU in thinking that he could have told me what's going on?

OP posts:
cindersrella · 05/06/2018 11:08

That's weird, would he have assumed you knew. If it happened last week has he not been to see him? Is he emotionally detached as if that was my dad or FIL I would be so worried. Has he showed no signs?

BottleOfJameson · 05/06/2018 11:15

I think it's so strange on the part of your DH that I'd be more confused than angry. Not much more we can say without knowing what he was thinking. Was he trying to protect you from bad news during your pregnancy? Was he too upset to talk about it? Did he just not bother telling you?

Goodasgoldilox · 05/06/2018 11:19

He was trying to protect you! (You are in a delicate condition after all.)

Goodasgoldilox · 05/06/2018 11:23

The protection really didn't work as you ended up getting the information as a complete shock - and it was if anything more distressing.

Ah well - the best laid plans of mice and men!

Well wishes to your FIL and MIL - things will be tough for them both just now.

AnnieAnoniMouser · 05/06/2018 11:24

WTAF?

What the hell was going on his head?

There is nothing ‘logical’ in ‘not wanting to worry you’ - you’re pregnant, not on life support. You’re an adult woman who doesn’t need ‘protecting’.

What if your FIL had died and you hadn’t had a chance to go and see him? What about the support they both might need? I bet your PIL were upset not to have seen or heard from you.

I’d be furious, it might be his Dad, but he’s your FIL and your DH does not live in isolation.

wagil · 05/06/2018 11:27

Surely he's visited him, how is it possible to not tell you what was happening?

FrangipaniBlue · 05/06/2018 11:35

Did your dh not go to see his dad over the weekend or rush to hospital????

This is exactly what I was thinking!!

If my Dad was rushed to hospital I'd be there that day, even if I couldn't see him, to wait on news..... I'm pretty certain DH would do the same if it was PIL Confused

daffodillament · 05/06/2018 11:39

Did DH know you were expecting FIL to pop over today ? Maybe DH is totally traumatised to the point of actually not being able to speak about it ?

CristalTipps · 05/06/2018 11:41

So he managed to mortify you and upset his mother. Great job.

Is there anything more to this? We're assuming he didn't want you upset, but does he have a history of withholding information from you? Does he like his parents as much as you do? Is he a good husband in general? It seems odd.

Original poster
fetacheeser · 05/06/2018 11:41

He's not visited him which is super strange in itelf as he loves his dad very much. Haven't noticed any changes in his behaviour apart from him sleeping the whole weekend away. But I thought he was just wrecked after work..

I'll have to see what he has to say when he gets home. I know it's his Dad but he's kind of made it look like I don't care about them!

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 05/06/2018 11:42

He hasn’t visited?? Sounds like severe denial.

CristalTipps · 05/06/2018 11:47

I know it's his Dad but he's kind of made it look like I don't care about them!

No, he's made it look like he doesn't care. He hasn't visited and he didn't bother to tell his wife. If he loves his Dad a lot maybe he's in denial?

LagunaBubbles · 05/06/2018 11:50

Hes not told you or visited? Oh that is odd.

VimFuego101 · 05/06/2018 11:52

This would really upset me, and, as you say, PIL might assume you just didn't care since you didn't call/ visit, so he's put you in an awkward position too.

BlankTimes · 05/06/2018 12:05

Maybe he's in shock with hearing about his Dad and is "frozen" because he doesn't know what to do.

UndomesticHousewife · 05/06/2018 12:08

I think he's in shock and upset and didn't want to talk about it because he's scared.
Not telling you and not going to see him and sleeping all weekend sounds like total denial and fear that his father may die.
Talk to him.
(Obviously though he should have told you!)

Excited0803 · 05/06/2018 12:17

It sounds like he went into shock; he's just about to become a father and he felt at risk of losing his own. Tell him off, but gently, that you're pregnant but family need to support each other and if he can't cope he must lean on you. Check the visiting times and then take him straight to see FIL; it's easiest to imagine the worst and much better to visit. A few good books and a tablet loaded with films should be useful for him in hospital, healthy food only obviously. Hope he gets well soon. And congratulations on your pregnancy.

cindersrella · 05/06/2018 12:18

But if was in shock that would have shown at home surely. Weird behaviour.

ApolloandDaphne · 05/06/2018 12:21

It seems like an odd reaction form your DH. Are you sure his DM told him exactly what was happening, not some vague 'your dad isn't feeling well' sort of thing?

DeputyBrennan · 05/06/2018 12:27

Of course he should have told you, and it's hardly something he just 'forgot' to mention. I don't imagine that keeping you in the dark was a well-thought-out attempt at deception, since you would obviously have found out about it at some point given that you see them regularly.

It's probable that he's either just been too worried to talk about it, or is misguidedly trying to protect you, but you need to let him know (gently) that he shouldn't keep things like this from you.

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 05/06/2018 12:27

I'd probably start the conversation with a PA "so I text your dad to ask about the pressure washing..." and see what he says!

Goodfood1 · 05/06/2018 12:31

are you sure he does know? has he called his mum in the meantime to check how he's doing? maybe he didn't understand what happened. Its just too strange that he would hide it for so long and not even visit.

yorkshireyummymummy · 05/06/2018 12:33

I would be very very concerned about this behaviour.
What possible reason could he have for not telling you? Talk about making you feel not part of his family!
The reason that this would concern me is that he has had some fairly major upsetting news - and he chose not to tell you and behaved as if nothing untoward had happened in his life. Let’s zip forward eighteen years, baby you are carrying is 18 and is on a gap year - something happens when DC is in ie.Thailand - what if he chooses not to tell you about that??

Yes, people react to bad news in different ways and go into shock - but not for 6 days!!
He is your husband , you are a team, a unit, you are the person who he is supposed to turn to for comfort , strength and support in times of crisis. And if he thinks that your being pregnant means you can’t know things he is incredibly out of touch with reality - youre pregnant, not last stage terminally ill Ffs!

I would phone MIL up and go to see FIL this afternoon. They must have been hurt wondering why you hadn’t been in touch or visited. By going to see FIL you are showing H ( I can’t bring myself to call him DH. ) that you are a big grown up who is capable of dealing with bad news and situations as well as good. Then, when he comes home tell him where you were this afternoon and wait to see what he says.
Due to your husbands odd behaviour you probably have a bit of repair work to do with MIL and FIL so I would deal with that first.
Honestly, when will people learn - keeping things ( especially important things) from your spouse ALWAYS causes trouble.

If you can, please update with what he says when you confront him. I simply cannot think of a valid reason for keeping something of this magnitude from you.

JessicaJonesJacket · 05/06/2018 12:35

If your FIL is close enough (both geographically and emotionally) to help powerwash your house, why don't you go to the hospital today and visit him? That would be the normal reaction to discovering your FIL has had a heart attack and surgery. Don't curb your responses to match your DH's.
When DH returns from work, you can tell him how FIL is and find out what's going on.

JessicaJonesJacket · 05/06/2018 12:36

Cross-post with yorkshiremummy regarding visiting today. I do think that would be the best approach.

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