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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hurt by this (I realise how pathetic this is)

42 replies

namechangemaestro · 05/06/2018 09:55

Just for the record, I feel so ridiculous that I'm even posting this, and just trying to figure out why I'm feeling so insecure about it.
I have a friend, we'll call her Liz. Liz and I have been really close for about 10 years. The last 2 she has lived in Canada and has just come back to visit for a few weeks. Since she's been gone I've had a baby, and so things have changed a lot for me, but I was counting down to her coming back and her meeting my DD etc.
I also have another friend, we'll call her Claire. Claire and I went to school together and have been friends for 18 years, although we've had our ups and downs. She can be very spoilt and moody / argumentative. Nonetheless we have stuck out our friendship and are good friends.

A year ago Claire went travelling to Canada, and I put her in touch with Liz so she would know someone over there when she arrived, prior to this they had only met once or twice through me (birthdays etc).

Anyway, they are both back in the UK now - Claire for good, Liz just for a few weeks.
As much as Claire is a good friend, it is Liz that I've been really excited to see, as she's been gone much longer, has never met DD and we are much closer.
Since she's been back, Claire has been trying to "book in" as many things as she can with her, and hasn't even let me know half the time. Liz has invited me to a few of them, but the fact Claire has actively not let me know makes me feel very weird.
Claire keeps putting loads of pictures of them up on social media with captions like "don't leave me, stay in the UK" etc etc, and on Liz's birthday did this huge over the top post to say happy birthday to her "Canadian bestie" with a ridiculous amount of photos of them from being over there.

I feel pathetic to be bothered by this. I'm 31 for God's sake! I feel like a teenager (but even then I don't think I ever felt this much of a sad case).
Claire knows how much I've been looking forward to seeing Liz after two years (they've just spent a year socialising together), so to knowingly arrange events and not invite me, I feel is quite sly and can't help feeling she's intentionally trying to leave me out.
AIBU to feel hurt by this?! And how can I pull myself together and stop being so irrational??

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 05/06/2018 09:58

You are being a bit U (and Claire sounds really OTT and smothering). Why not arrange to see Liz yourself, just the 2 of you?

LifeBeginsAtGin · 05/06/2018 09:59

Congratulations, you've been Wendy'ed

MimpiDreams · 05/06/2018 10:00

Ask her about it. Surely if you've been friends for nigh on 20 years you can can say 'Oi Claire, why didn't you let me know about Saturday's tea party?'

TenThousandSpoons · 05/06/2018 10:02

How long did Claire hang out with Liz? If it was only a couple of weeks I would think Liz is probably flummoxed by Claire’s “bestie” behaviour too. Or did they hang out for a year and become very good friends? I’d invite Liz to your house to meet your DD and not mention Claire unless she does. And I’d cool things with Claire, she sounds like a nightmare.

Bombardier25966 · 05/06/2018 10:02

I understand your hurt, but friendships move on. They've spent time together recently and obviously get on well.

Try to arrange something with Liz for just the two of you. If she wants to she will.

TenThousandSpoons · 05/06/2018 10:03

I was going to say she sounds like a Wendy instead of a nightmare Grin

MoonsAndJunes · 05/06/2018 10:04

Talk to Liz and arrange a day just you & her.
As for Wendy Claire, let Liz deal with her.

CantankerousCamel · 05/06/2018 10:05

I’d just plan things with Liz and let Claire carry on being bizarre on her own

Labradoodliedoodoo · 05/06/2018 10:05

It just sounds like they gave s relationship in their own right and that’s fine. Be proactive and arrange your own get togethers

LagunaBubbles · 05/06/2018 10:06

YANBU. Of course this kind of thing hurts. Youve been wendied. Speak to Liz yourself. And watch your back with Claire.

Bluntness100 · 05/06/2018 10:06

I think a year socialising together is quite a long time. It seems they hit it off and are used to doing things together and are quite close.

Potentially the friendship with you has waned for both of them ass it's been so long. I would think it's more thoughtless than malicious.

DingDongDenny · 05/06/2018 10:06

Looking at it from Liz's point of view, this may be very overwhelming. She has Claire dancing up and down all the time time wanting attention from her 'bestie' wanting to catch up with you and probably others as well

I'd have a quiet chat with Liz about it, see how she is feeling and arrange a few things just for the 2 of you

ProustianMadeleine · 05/06/2018 10:09

You're not pathetic, you've been Wendy'ed and thats no fun.

Be more proactive in making plans with Liz and sort something out for just the 2 of you. Then you will be able to gauge your relationship with her.

Ifonlyfor1day · 05/06/2018 10:10

I would be hurt too. YANBU.

Invite your friend around, do not assume liz is bff with claire. Do a nice lunch and invite.

Claire sounds very immature and OTT.

Original poster
namechangemaestro · 05/06/2018 10:10

What on earth is a Wendy?? Haha
Yeah, don't get me wrong, I have seen Liz 1-2-1 and plan to see her a couple more times before she goes back, and don't even really have a problem with them doing things together, it's more the fact Claire plasters every interaction and get together all over social media as if she's trying to prove how close they are. That's the part o find so uncomfortable (but I don't even know why).
If I was giving this advice to a friend I'd tell them to get a grip and not think so much into it, but I can't help feel really insecure about it. It's not like me at all.

OP posts:
Bombardier25966 · 05/06/2018 10:13

Some people post every movement on Facebook, I wouldn't read anything into it.

wowfudge · 05/06/2018 10:14

Wendy is a MN legend - one woman introduced Wendy to her friends. Wendy then cultivated the friends and excluded the woman who had originally introduced her, hence being 'Wendied/Wendy'd'.

x2boys · 05/06/2018 10:15

Do Liz and Claire have children? Things do change when you have children and other friends dont , maybe claire thinks you wont be able to come out so much because of the baby?

Mimsy123 · 05/06/2018 10:15

Hi namechange

This may not make you feel better, but the issue seems to be Claire’s massive insecurities. Does she have any friends at all and, if so, are any of them particularly close to her? She sounds lonely.

Original poster
namechangemaestro · 05/06/2018 10:19

Ah yes,well in that case I have most certainly been Wendied!
No, neither of them have children, and I know things change but I just feel that an invite wouldn't go amiss, even if I couldn't infact make it!
Mimsy123 - I think you're probably right, Claire is someone who wants everyone to be her best friend, but probably doesn't have anyone who is particularly close. She has also lost alot of friends in the last 5 years because of her mood swings and snappiness with people.

OP posts:
EssentialHummus · 05/06/2018 10:24

Arrange whatever you want to arrange with Liz while she's here, ignore Claire's FB updates. Liz will go back to Canada soon and Claire will need to channel her crazy somewhere else.

Fruitcorner123 · 05/06/2018 10:24

I’d just plan things with Liz and let Claire carry on being bizarre on her own

^^this

and avoid social media. I don't use facebook but can you just mute Claire?

JessicaJonesJacket · 05/06/2018 10:24

It's always difficult to manage a three-way friendship so you have my sympathies. But, I'd try to look at it as your friendships are different so it doesn't really make sense for you to spend time together as a threesome. C and L have their joint experiences of Canada. You have your years of history with C and your decade with L.
You're slipping into seeing it as a competition and it isn't. Presumably C is one of those people who puts everything on FB. That's ok. It doesn't dilute your friendship with L.
I also think having a baby changes the dynamic in friendship groups and can leave us feeling insecure until we adjust to that new dynamic. Enjoy your time with L before she goes back Flowers

summerinrome · 05/06/2018 10:25

You you have been wendied, but no need to feel tortured. Stop looking at SM and focus entirely on getting together with Liz as and when and enjoying your time. Yes claire (wendy) is annoying, probably to everyone!

Personally I would quietly ditch the lovely Claire, and move on. Liz will soon be back in Canada, and your friendship will continue as it always has unchanged. Your friendship with her is strong enough, this is not about you and her. My guess is over the years you will ride out lots of Claires and will remain as strong as ever.

Not sure Claire is the kind of friend I would want, so maybe evaluate her behaviour and the kind of person she is and decide if she fits in your life going forward.

elephantscanring · 05/06/2018 10:25

Claire is someone who wants everyone to be her best friend, but probably doesn't have anyone who is particularly close. She has also lost alot of friends in the last 5 years because of her mood swings and snappiness with people.

Gosh, I can't imagine why... Hmm

OP, I feel for you. I think you need to call Claire out on this:

'Hi Claire, why didn't you let me know about getting together with Liz? You know how much I've been looking forward to seeing her. It feels like you're shuitting me out, which is hurtful'

and see what her reaction is.