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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Re booking holiday and anxiety

50 replies

Finosdeft · 05/06/2018 08:10

I’ve been with my bf for a few months and he suggested booking a holiday in three weeks as he’s got some unexpected free time coming up.

I managed to get that week off work and we’ve decided where we’re going and how we’re getting there, the prices etc, just need to finalise the booking. (There was only one rental cottage that was suitable and was available, with 90% of places being already booked up for that area)

We were all ready to do that yesterday morning but he said he just wanted to check with his parents that he wouldn’t be needed for anything over that week. (This is completely fair enough and one of the things I like about him is that he’s so caring towards his parents, but it’s worth mentioning that they’re in their 60s, in good health and there’s no particular reason for concern) - this was early yesterday morning, I mentioned that I was worried we would lose the one place that would work as things were so booked up, so could he phone his parents to check he wasn’t needed for anything in particular. He said he was going round to theirs that evening after work and would speak to them then. I didn’t want to push it so said okay, although did mention to him a little while later that I was really worried that we would lose the one cottage.

I do suffer from anxiety generally, especially with regard to travel and arrangements so maybe this exacerbated it but I spent all day yesterday and last night worrying about it.

Anyway, he texted me in the early evening last night to say he was going round to his parents, and I replied saying great, just let me know when it’s okay to book and I’ll do it. We normally would at least text good night but I didn’t hear anything else from him at all last night, nor yet this morning.

I just feel quite pissed off with him really, he knows I was worried about it, and it feels as though it’s not important him to even let me know what’s happening one way or the other.

Now I don’t know if I am being unreasonable in feeling that way? I just feel as though it was the other way round I wouldn’t do that to someone else. I could understand if there were serious concerns that he might be needed or if his parents were in ill health or anything like that but they’re not at all, it just feels like how I feel doesn’t matter to him.

I want to call or text him now to find out, but the other part of me is thinking maybe I should just leave it, that if the way I feel is so unimportant to him then why should I chase after him for an answer? He knows I have anxiety, I control it very well normally and I certainly do not behave in a needy manner most the time, I just feel like a bit of awareness and empathy from him would be good.

Does this not bode well in general for a future relationship with him or am I overreacting?

OP posts:
LifeBeginsAtGin · 05/06/2018 08:16

Has he had a change of heart about your relationship and is stalling in the hope the booking is full.

MyOtherUsernameisaPun · 05/06/2018 08:16

I think you are overreacting a bit but it's totally understandable - anxiety is a terrible thing which distorts perception and makes it very hard to gauge your own reactions.

It sounds like your bf is generally thoughtful and sensitive, but in my experience people who don't have anxiety find it hard to understand how it feels. You haven't been together all that long, so he is still learning how to help you manage your anxiety. He may need reminded more than once before he really gets it.

When you see him in person I would gently explain that it exacerbated your anxiety to not be told about the cottage and that while you accept that your mental health is your responsibility, it helps if he also works with you. Don't blame - just explain.

DontCallMeCharlotte · 05/06/2018 08:17

Ok. Worst case scenario is you lose the cottage. You will be able to hold this over him for the rest of his life Grin

But YANBU. I hate having to wait for someone else when my finger is hovering over the "Confirm Booking" button...

LIZS · 05/06/2018 08:18

It's onky 8:15 and you are already worried you have not heard from him! Are you normally this uptight? If it has by any chance been booked in the meantime you will find something else.

Original poster
Finosdeft · 05/06/2018 08:20

Thanks for your replies. It would be very strange for him to have had a change of heart in the few hours between him suggesting the holiday and us being ready to book it, it was completely his idea,

Yes I will say that I was was very anxious when I didn’t hear from him but he already knew I was anxious about maybe losing the cottage so it wouldn’t be new information to him. I’m just wondering now if it will ever work if he can’t understand how I feel

OP posts:
Original poster
Finosdeft · 05/06/2018 08:20

Liz, if by ‘uptight’ you mean ‘anxious’ then yes, I am, if you’d read my OP

OP posts:
NanooCov · 05/06/2018 08:22

@LIZS did you not read that the OP has anxiety? Bit insensitive and uncalled for.

OP I think you are letting your anxiety run away with you a bit. If you do lose this cottage it won't be the end of the world - just choose somewhere else / another cottage.

I'm sure he'll get back to you today. There is of course a possibility his parents have mentioned they wanted him to help with something that week so he's working out how to tell you without appearing that he's giving you the brush off. Again, wouldn't be the end of the world - just need to change plans.

Original poster
Finosdeft · 05/06/2018 08:25

Thank you Nanoo

OP posts:
LIZS · 05/06/2018 08:27

Sorry I took it be anxiety in the general sense rather than as a condition, apologies. However I still think you were unrealistic in expecting such a quick reply. Is your bf aware of how his inaction makes you feel?

LifeBeginsAtGin · 05/06/2018 08:32

OP don't worry, I think everyone gets anxious (in the general term) when they are about to confirm a booking.

Original poster
Finosdeft · 05/06/2018 08:36

I feel like I made it clear to him I was worried yesterday morning and I’ve been waiting to hear if it’s ok to go ahead since then. We have never not texted goodnight, so to not hear from him at all last night particularly given he knew I was waiting to hear about the booking has really resulted in me feeling pretty shit. I’m thinking about ending the relationship if this is how much he cares about how I feel

OP posts:
Dungeondragon15 · 05/06/2018 08:37

He probably doesn't realise that it is making you anxious but I think many people would feel quite irritated in your position. He suggested a holiday, you booked time off and looked for cottages and now he is stalling. If his parents are only in their 60s and in good health why on earth would he have to care for them? I think that he is bullshitting and making excuses which is really unreasonable. Sorry.

SparklySeashell · 05/06/2018 08:45

Oh bless you OP, I'm sure it will all be fine, let us know when you've booked!

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 05/06/2018 08:50

It’s early days, I don’t think he quite gets how this makes you feel.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 05/06/2018 08:51

Ending the relationship over this would be a huge overreaction. I doubt that would make you feel happy, calm or content either.

Original poster
Finosdeft · 05/06/2018 08:54

Testing I know you’re right, i don’t want to end it. I just hate how I feel and don’t know what to do

OP posts:
JessicaJonesJacket · 05/06/2018 08:56

It may be a sign of how much he cares about you but it's more likely to be a sign that he doesn't understand your anxiety. There's a balance I think between DPs supporting us and challenging us when we have anxiety because some of our fears are irrational and others aren't.
It's quite early in the relationship to be going on holiday together so it's not that unexpected that he wouldn't appreciate how much angst this would cause you.

arethereanyleftatall · 05/06/2018 09:01

Your posts are all about you, how he should understand how you feel, and change his way of doing things to suit you.
What about the other way round?
From a non-anxious persons POV, I wouldn't enjoy the pressure and the stress of 'we must book this now.' I'd rather not worry about it, and if it's gone when I'm ready to book, I'd find somewhere else.

DaffoDeffo · 05/06/2018 09:08

I think you have to be honest about anxiety otherwise you can give people the wrong impression

I think if you DON'T tell people, they look at you as if you are utterly mad and I can imagine he is thinking why on earth is she overly concerned about this holiday if he doesn't know you suffer like this

PartyAnxiety · 05/06/2018 09:11

YANBU. I do think it's really annoying to leave someone hanging with regards to plans. That said it's not a huge deal and he may have just got busy and forgotten, and if he isn't anxious himself it won't have occurred to him that you're sitting around panicking about it.

PartyAnxiety · 05/06/2018 09:13

arethereanyleftatall I think that's a bit unfair. If you've decided on a particular place it's really not that much effort to find out if you can go or not and let your girlfriend know. Even if you don't suffer from anxiety that's just common courtesy. Otherwise they're just waiting around not knowing what's going on.

Snowysky20009 · 05/06/2018 09:21

Did you text him goodnight? Or was you waiting for him to text you?

By the way I suffer with generalised anxiety disorder, and it's a pain in the arse! But you really do have to step back sometimes and think rationally. Did something come up? Did he mean to text you then fell asleep? Was one of his parents taken ill? You've made the post all about you and your feelings, but you also need to think about his too.

Saying you are going to finish with him, is stupid. Really, really stupid. You need to speak to him first. And by that I mean also listen to him.

TheWrongTrousers · 05/06/2018 09:22

I don't think this is really about anxiety at all. Maybe you are turning it into anxiety because you are an anxious person, but in your place I would be feeling angry and disappointed. You made the effort to get time off to fit in with his plans at his suggestion, you spent time and effort researching places to stay and travel arrangements to go away with him, and now he says he might not want to go for no particular reason?

Unless you took something that was only meant as a casual suggestion and you immediately turned it into a concrete plan to go away together before he was really ready, he really has been very inconsiderate.

StableGenius · 05/06/2018 09:25

DH and I are both like this. Had to book a flight at the weekend and DH kept on 'Have you done it, have you done it' while I had to check every review on TripAdvisor first Hmm.

Anxiety is a bugger, OP, I know. If you don't have it, it's hard to understand, so I'd cut him a little slack, but explain why you feel the way you do about this.

Hope you get your cottage, and a nice relaxing time.

Dungeondragon15 · 05/06/2018 09:38

He is perhaps the kind of person who doesn't like making decisions. DH is like this and although it doesn't cause me anxiety it has, in the past been hugely irritating. I don't know what to make of the excuse that he might need to "care" for his parents though. If they are only in their 60s and in good health why would they need him to look after them?

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