Re booking holiday and anxiety

[Finosdeft]

I’ve been with my bf for a few months and he suggested booking a holiday in three weeks as he’s got some unexpected free time coming up.

I managed to get that week off work and we’ve decided where we’re going and how we’re getting there, the prices etc, just need to finalise the booking. (There was only one rental cottage that was suitable and was available, with 90% of places being already booked up for that area)

We were all ready to do that yesterday morning but he said he just wanted to check with his parents that he wouldn’t be needed for anything over that week. (This is completely fair enough and one of the things I like about him is that he’s so caring towards his parents, but it’s worth mentioning that they’re in their 60s, in good health and there’s no particular reason for concern) - this was early yesterday morning, I mentioned that I was worried we would lose the one place that would work as things were so booked up, so could he phone his parents to check he wasn’t needed for anything in particular. He said he was going round to theirs that evening after work and would speak to them then. I didn’t want to push it so said okay, although did mention to him a little while later that I was really worried that we would lose the one cottage.

I do suffer from anxiety generally, especially with regard to travel and arrangements so maybe this exacerbated it but I spent all day yesterday and last night worrying about it.

Anyway, he texted me in the early evening last night to say he was going round to his parents, and I replied saying great, just let me know when it’s okay to book and I’ll do it. We normally would at least text good night but I didn’t hear anything else from him at all last night, nor yet this morning.

I just feel quite pissed off with him really, he knows I was worried about it, and it feels as though it’s not important him to even let me know what’s happening one way or the other.

Now I don’t know if I am being unreasonable in feeling that way? I just feel as though it was the other way round I wouldn’t do that to someone else. I could understand if there were serious concerns that he might be needed or if his parents were in ill health or anything like that but they’re not at all, it just feels like how I feel doesn’t matter to him.

I want to call or text him now to find out, but the other part of me is thinking maybe I should just leave it, that if the way I feel is so unimportant to him then why should I chase after him for an answer? He knows I have anxiety, I control it very well normally and I certainly do not behave in a needy manner most the time, I just feel like a bit of awareness and empathy from him would be good.

Does this not bode well in general for a future relationship with him or am I overreacting?

I texted him earlier asking him to call me. He read the message and hasn’t called me so I really don’t know what to think.

I don’t think he was expecting to have to care for his parents as such, just wanted to check whether they might need him for something, but now who knows what’s going on!

The holiday was definitely his idea, we both talked at length about what to do, how to get there etc etc and he made the final decision on how we were travelling, so he was definitely into actually doing it, it wasn’t led by me or a casual suggestion on his part or anything like that, in fact he was just about to transfer the money to my PayPal when he suddenly said he’d better check his parents didn’t need him for anything before we booked it.

So he knows I’m worried about the holiday because I told him, he knows I want to talk to him because I messaged him asking him to call me and he’s basically ignoring me now so it doesn’t look good does it. He’s at home, not working today so it’s not that.

he was just about to transfer the money to my PayPal when he suddenly said he’d better check his parents didn’t need him for anything before we booked it.

That is weird. And no, it doesn't bode well. He's messing you about. How dare he ask you to change your holiday arrangements and then change his mind like that? If there was a real issue with his parents why wouldn't he have checked with them first?

I don’t think he was expecting to have to care for his parents as such, just wanted to check whether they might need him for something, but now who knows what’s going on!

Why would he need to care for his parents if they are only in their 60s and have no health issues though? I am not far off that age and the idea of my children "caring" for me when I am in good health is bizarre. Many people in their 60s are still working and more than capable of looking after themselves.

Ok I’ve spoken to him. He said he fell asleep early and slept late. He said it’s all fine for the holiday and is transferring the money over.

I don’t feel fine though. I told him I know I’m responsible for my own anxiety and don’t expect him to pander to it, but that some understanding would be good and I was worried and he just sounded exasperated and told me to stop stressing and that there was nothing to worry about.

So now I just feel stupid and angry at myself but I can’t help feeling anxious so I’m not sure what I can actually do?!

OP I've had anxiety - often crippling - for years. My absolutely biggest support is my DH - but it wasn't always that way. He is a very calm and self-confident person and he really, truly just didn't understand what my life feels like to begin with. We had a lot of occasions where he didn't text at certain times or call exactly when he said he would, or where the tone of his texts was neutral and my badly wired brain interpreted it as him hating me.

It took two things for us to get to where we are now. One was his willingness to listen and try to understand and to be thoughtful about communication etc. That did help.

But the second thing - and the biggest thing - was me getting help for my anxiety in the form of medication and literally years of talking therapy. Because the truth is, anxiety is an adaptable menace and there is no level of comfort or reassurance your boyfriend can give which will overcome your anxiety. It will always find a way of making you feel insecure and unsupported.

I don't know what help you're already getting but please persevere because breakthroughs will come. And if your boyfriend is generally supportive and loving and trying, don't break up over this. Your fears that the relationship will never work are your anxiety talking. Trust that he loves you and is there for you.

My DH had anxiety, still does to an extent but the difference is he got help because if he never it would have split us up, as it was difficult to live with. What treatment have you sought OP?

I just feel stupid and angry at myself

Why do you find it so much easier to be angry with yourself than angry with him? He is the one who suddenly threw a spanner in the works. OK, he took it out again, but you have every right to be pissed off with him.

Why has he not apologised for telling you to book your leave before he had confirmed that he could even go away with you?

Don't worry get it booked and you will feel better. You've only been together a few months so he clearly doesn't understand your anxiety yet. It will take him time but if he loves you he will come to understand and be more supportive.

Am I the only one who thinks it's a bit weird that he had to check with his parents before booking and that he had to do it in person couldn't just text or ring them?

I’m in the same position as you Fino - I suffer with anxiety and I’m currently waiting for my DP to make a booking (he’s paying as he earns a lot more than me!) when I’ve done all the research and found places that fit the bill, are well priced and available for the dates we can do.

I’ve sent him links, all the info he needs, now I just have to sit and wait for him to book and hope they don’t get booked up in the meantime. It’s hard sitting on your hands waiting for someone else to take action when you’re emotionally invested in the perfect choice after doing all the work to narrow it down. But especially as you have been waiting for something that doesn’t even sound important. I wonder if he was worried about how much it cost or something, as he stalled when it came to paying? Is he generally ok with money?

I just have to tell myself that there may only be certain dates but there are endless possibilities and maybe if this doesn’t work out we will end up somewhere even better.

I hope he sends the money ASAP and that you have a great holiday. But however this holiday pans out, you will need to find a way to manage your anxiety and he will need to be more understanding about it, otherwise there will be many more of these situations to come.

What care does he need to do for two healthy 60yr olds? I don't understand that.

Am I the only one who thinks it's a bit weird that he had to check with his parents before booking and that he had to do it in person couldn't just text or ring them?

No you aren't. It's even weirder that he asked the OP to take time off before confirming he was free to go, and he never mentioned to the OP that he might not be able to go.

I suspect he was expecting the OP to offer to pay for him and when she didn't he had to ask his parents for the money.

I suspect he was expecting the OP to offer to pay for him and when she didn't he had to ask his parents for the money.

Yes, that is very likely considering that he suddenly needed to speak to his parents when "about" to transfer money to OP. I wonder what they would make of his claim that he "cares" for them?

I think there may be a finance issue that he is embarrassed to tell you about. He was avoiding you until he had the available funds. Just what it sounds like to me as it suddenly happened when he was about to send you the money - sounds like he realised he didn't actually have it!

This all sounds odd.

Am I the only one who thinks it's a bit weird that he had to check with his parents before booking and that he had to do it in person couldn't just text or ring them?

No, you're not.

OP, his actions would worry me, it looks like he was having second thoughts. Maybe, as pps have said, he's needed to ask his parents for money to pay for it.
I don't believe that he fell asleep, it seems too much of a coincidence that the only night he falls asleep before texting you goodnight, is the night he knows you're waiting for an answer about the holiday.

I'm pretty sure he was using delaying tactics (having to speak to his parents, having to do that in person, "falling asleep" as soon as he got back from parents, "sleeping late").

I understand your reaction wanting to chuck him, but it's a bit of a knee jerk reaction. I think I'd give it a bit more time, but at the next sign of him not considering you, end the relationship.

I'm another one that finds this all a bit fishy. Do you know if he depends on his parents financially? Personally I'd make sure I got his share transferred before booking!

It does sounds like he suddenly realised he had something to pay for that he forgot about and booking the holiday would leave him short. It is very possible he then used the checking with parents line to throw you off the scent of him having to ask them for a short term loan so as not to let you down.

Perhaps he came across this morning as a bit exasperated as he'd maybe done loads to make sure the money was now in fact there and you were just giving him grief.

Did you offer to pay for any of it or is he paying for all of it? Perhaps he feels a bit crap having to ask his parents to tide him over so he can take you on this holiday and feels like you were hassling him.

End of the day you can now book your holiday and relax. Don't let it worry you. Don't get mad at him for not understanding your anxiety as its a hard thing to understand. On this occasion you weren't actually being asked to do anything as such. You were simply told, dont book it yet, just need to check a few things. So I can see how he might not get how that would make you anxious ifswim.

Btw, for me this is not about your anxiety but about common courtesy. Your anxiety kept you up worrying but most people in your position would be annoyed.

Your anxiety kept you up worrying but most people in your position would be annoyed.

^ and this! I dont have anxiety, but I have been in a position of having to wait on someone to confirm something which they didn't seem to share my sense of urgency over. It was very frustrating!

You are allowing your anxiety to rule you and I think that you need to realise that first and foremost anxiety is your issue, not his. He has at worst been a little bit thoughtless. You'll soon have him walking on eggshells in order to avoid making you anxious. Have you ever had counselling or CBT for it?

He has at worst been a little bit thoughtless.

No, at worst he has been cynical and manipulative. At best he was thoughtless and inconsiderate. He has not accounted for his bad behaviour in any way or apologised to the OP. He has just pushed it back onto her by getting "exasperated".

I wouldn't go on holiday with him. He is a bullet I'd dodge.

No, at worst he has been cynical and manipulative. At best he was thoughtless and inconsiderate. He has not accounted for his bad behaviour in any way or apologised to the OP. He has just pushed it back onto her by getting "exasperated".

I think that is a bit OTT. He probably has no real understanding of how anxious OP was about it. OP feels that he sounded "exasperated" but he probably wasn't.

So OP, have you booked it now?

Yes that's it I think, he needed the money from his parents and was embarrassed to admit it. Not necessarily a problem in itself unless he has given you the impression he is financially more secure than he is.

I don’t suffer from anxiety and can be quite last minute but his attitude would royally piss me off. The time to talk to his parents was before he asked you to book time off.

I can understand why you think your anxiety might be skewing your thinking but it’s down to curtesy, especially when he said he would contact you when he knew and he didn’t. A simple text would have sufficed but keeping to his word clearly isn’t his priority and rather than unreservedly apologise, he turned it back on you, what a coward.

I’m sure he has his good points but this behaviour certainly isn’t one of them and long term, I can’t seeing his behaviour being compatible with your needs.

This isn’t about your anxiety but his disrespect and if the speculation about needing to borrow money off his parents is true, then the whole sorry saga says a lot about his character and his not so close relationship with honesty.