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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be suspicious of DH?

65 replies

Feathersofabird · 04/06/2018 22:43

Recently DH has started deleting his Facebook search history. He never used to.

Today I noted POF was one of the icons on Safaris homepage. Never seen that there before.

Also, the other night I asked to borrow his phone. He made an excuse. Never done that before.

AIBU to start suspecting something isn't quite right?

OP posts:

TheLionRoars1110 · 05/06/2018 07:48

Would you leave him this time?

maymai · 05/06/2018 07:51

He sounds like a sly cheat. Get rid!

UserV · 05/06/2018 08:00

With what you have already posted, and the fact he has form for this stuff, do you even need to ask?

Dump him. You deserve better.

cakecakecheese · 05/06/2018 08:01

It sounds like he knows he's been rumbled. Have you got a friend who is on PoF who can search for him? Or you could try the fake profile thing. Although if he does have a profile he's probably deleted it now. He's got form, you can't trust him, do you really want to stay in a relationship like this?

IsaidMrDarcynotArsey · 05/06/2018 08:18

Did you clear the search when you finished looking ?

peanutbutterandbanana · 05/06/2018 08:20

OP, have you got children? If not then I'd leave now. If you have then you need to take advice as to how to protect yourself. He isn't up to any good. My heart goes out to you. If it was me, I would set up a fake profile (but you will need to delete your own history) and remove the icons in safari too - play him at his own game. Do a search for him and take screenshots, so that when you decide to confront him (when you've worked out your game plan) he has nowhere to hide. He may not yet have been with anyone else, but looks like he certainly intends to.

sexnotgender · 05/06/2018 08:26

I’d definitely enlist a trustworthy friend to find him on POF.
Sorry you’re having to deal with this, it certainly sounds like his eye is wandering.

Rosielily · 05/06/2018 08:48

Set up a fake profile on POF and see if you can find him.... then contact him...... Works a treat

MrsJonSno · 05/06/2018 08:51

My daughter’s phone is linked to the iPad and so the search history on her phone shows on theretoo. The icons that come up on the honescreen of Safari are the recently and most visited sites. So it doesn’t look good. I’m so sorry.

Don’t confront him yet, watch and wait and try and not let him suspect you’ve found anything.

Original poster

Feathersofabird · 05/06/2018 08:55

I might set up a fake profile but I've done that before and there are so many non-photo profiles on there that match his discription that I'd be trawling through it for ages. I'm not sure I can be arsed. I don't want to spend the rest of my life searching internet history and dating sites, emails and phones. Whether he is or isn't doing it this time there will always be another time it comes up again.

I do want to catch him at though.

OP posts:

CornishMaid1 · 05/06/2018 09:12

Here are the tips (not that I went crazy and did all this!).

If the ipad is linked to his iphone, go into the settings and there is an option for accounts and passwords. If he has set passwords to be remembered on his iphone it will show you each account and the password for them, so you can just log in to his account (watch out as he may get a 'your account has been accessed' notification if for his email/facebook account).

Check the pictures and drive on the ipad. Again they will be linked to his iphone, so if he has photos on his iphone they will also show on the ipad. Particularly watch out for any messenger, whatsapp and recently deleted photos shown.

Does he have a google email address? If so on google maps there is a timeline option. If it is set (if it is not you could log in to his email address and activate it in settings - you do not need his phone to do that - but he may get an alert) then you can log in to google maps with his username and password (it may show in the ipad settings) and then click on timeline and it will record where he has been, giving you a map and everything! It is quite creepy, but it can help if he suddenly starts appearing at someone else's house for lengths of time.

Whatsapp is the usual source for cheaters, but it is hard to get access to unless you can get onto his phone. You can link his phone to a web browser to keep an eye on conversations, but that is a step too far.

I have been where you are and you will feel like a complete stalker, but it is apple's fault for making it easy to get settings from the ipad and only the reassurance either way depending on what you find will ease the feelings.

Alternatively, you can talk to him, but if he is playing away then he may cover his tracks and you may find it hard to get to the truth.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 05/06/2018 10:55

It's up to you OP, but my EX minimised it, said he'd texted a couple of women but had no intention of meeting ever etc. I had to find out for myself as if I had believed him I would have forgiven him and stayed. Thank goodness I scooped as I would never have realised not only what he was doing, but how much he was making out his life was awful with me. It was lies to bond with others, but that really shocked me, it's important to know how they are betraying you.

Are you going to leave him on what you know now? If so, then no need to snoop. But if you might stay then you really need more facts.

FizzyGreenWater · 05/06/2018 11:26

Do you have children? How long have you been together/been married?

I understand the need for proof and 'catching him out' - but, you know.

And (hopefully) you've decided you're worth more.

There's a certain satisfaction in just going with that. Of making it about YOU. Taking the power away from him, the focus away from whether he has or hasn't cheated, what exactly he might have done... and the idea that your actions and your future will depend on that.

You know. You know the really really important thing - which is that he isn't good enough. He's second rate. And once you know that, who exactly he has messaged, what he's said, whether he's 'just looking, just messing, I wouldn't have done anything...' - well, that's now insignificant.

To be able to look him in the eye and say 'I'm done, sorry. No, don't bother with excuses, I'm not exactly sure what you're up to anyway... I don't care now. I've experienced enough of you as a person to know you're below the standard I want - I don't want you in my life any more. Soz and all that.'

Dragonade · 05/06/2018 11:38

Harsh truth. He is looking for a shag/fun evening on POF Don't even waste your energy on him he is never going to be faithful and the partner you want. Instead get your ducks in a line and get ready to make your move. It may be to start stashing secret funds, stop paying into a joint account, consult a solicitor, look for a new place, find out how to get him out of your place. Whatever it is. Do not confront him, look after yourself. This relationship is over.

Jsd1975 · 21/07/2018 10:30

I’ve used pof and trust me half those on there are married or cheating ...
same as on tinder ...
I would set up also a fake profile and have a look about you can hide your pics but so can he ... I would ask a friend to look for you ... I hate liars and cheats
Good luck

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