To be suspicious of DH?

[Feathersofabird]

Recently DH has started deleting his Facebook search history. He never used to.

Today I noted POF was one of the icons on Safaris homepage. Never seen that there before.

Also, the other night I asked to borrow his phone. He made an excuse. Never done that before.

AIBU to start suspecting something isn't quite right?

Doesn't look good OP, sorry!

I've just gone on to POF and you can't search without entering your details. How did you manage it, @Snowysky20009?

I wouldn’t confront him yet, dig deeper and find more evidence. It doesn’t sound good OP.

I'd be direct. Forget all the games and snooping about, tell him you used the ipad and saw he'd been looking at pof and take it from there..

@Feathersofabird
Did you go into settings, safari, advanced, website data?

If you can get on his phone and get into that area of the settings and POF is on there quite high up the list then he has either visited it or is visiting it. You can do it on the iPad too.

I don’t normally condone snooping as my ex partner did this to me and I genuinely hadn’t done anything. His own paranoia!

However sometimes needs must and this is the time!

@boilerhouse2007 throwing my dh out for cheating on me is not an extreme reaction in my eyes. If you want to be a doormat then crack on but there are some things I won't tolerate.

I do agree with you when you say some people believe the lie because it's easier/less painful. Which is why I suggested the OP get as much proof as possible before confronting him so she's clear in her mind exactly what is going on.

If she wants to forgive him that's completely her desicion and I do understand that cheating is not a deal breaker for everyone BUT how can you forgive someone who refuses to admit the truth and continues to lie to your face??

Also to whoever said it, I never said couples should be able to snoop through each others phones! The op said she needed to make a phonecall and he refused to lend her his phone. I can't think of one person I wouldn't let make a phonecall on my phone. How paranoid are you if you think everyone who gets to hold your phone for 2 mins is going to snoop through it?

Ask him outright

I can only assume that everyone who says "Dont snoop, just ask him" have no experience of a cheating OH. They dont admit a thing, all they do is cover their tracks better!

I'd set up a profile of pof and search using as many details e.g. Height, car or no car, age range (go his age and up to 10 years younger) note any without photos.

Unfortunately yes don't ask him. He will not tell you and it will be a horrible few weeks trying to work things out.

Facts first. As much as you can. Without asking. Full on snooping. Confide in one trusted friend. I never thought my ex could cheat. I asked him outright. He lied. Looking back of course he did, he’d been lying for months.

got no idea whatta pof is..not that clued up on history searching either. Something i know-as an actual fact is..go with your gut. good luck x

Sounds dodgy.

HollowTalk that's what I mean, I've gone into the site to see what it's about, but didn't create a profile- so couldn't search for people etc, but looked at the first page to see what it said etc. PSorry if that wasn't clear.

It always makes me laugh when people say to just talk to him! As if anyone who's cheating is going to admit it. And of course, once they know you're suspicious, they're going to be extra careful to cover their tracks.

Catfish him if you can find him.

I wouldn’t confront but would watch and wait.

See if he continues to be secretative about his phone. Has his routine changed. - working longer, going out more etc.

Sometimes, all these things are innocent, buts it’s worth biding your time before saying anything.

Your instinct is probably right. Trust it. Get a friend to set up the POF thing or he could just use that against you. You need to know ASAP. Living in suspicion is just soul destroying.

I would be very suspicious.
It does sound like he's on PoF.
I would try to gather more evidence and say nothing for now.
He'll deny everything if you ask him anyway.

So not to drip feed, in the first year of our relationship he signed upto dating sites and tried to cheat 3 times. I forgave each time (ducking idiot) because it was early in the relationship but I've never really 100% trusted him since.

Plus we are having a rocky time.

POF features pretty high up on the safari-website data list so it has been used recently.

I have no intentions of confronting him yet because, as has been said he'll just lie and then cover his tracks. I made this mistake last time.

It doesn't look good, particularly if he has a history.

Given your update op you know the answer

Good on you OP, do you have any DC? Joint bank account etc? Might be worth starting to think about these things.

There's no legitimate excuse as to why you can't use his phone. None

Not if you live in 1970’s East Germany.

He’s definitely on POF and fairly regularly if the phone has saved it on the Safari home page (mine only saves sites I visit often). Can you make a fake profile and see if he shows up on there (set the search for your city and wait until he’s engrossed in his phone - if he’s on there he’ll show up as active)?

Just had a look and POF had disappeared from website data so looks like he's already on the case.