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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL’s expectations of DS

36 replies

cadburyegg · 04/06/2018 19:49

For some background, both DH and I have good jobs but aren’t very academic. However it’s always been a sticking point for mil that DH “didn’t get grades in the subjects that matter” - her words not mine.

She’s now started projecting this onto DS. She’s always said how “bright” he is but as he gets older the expectations are increasing. I now take him to a “science” group for preschoolers where they do little experiments with paint, water, colours etc. It’s just a bit of fun! But it came up in conversation once and mil took it really seriously and said “that’s great it might mean he’ll be good at science at school and go on to get a good job”

Then this past weekend her and FIL visited and she openly said to DS in a serious tone “you’ll grow up to be a solicitor or a doctor” he is 3 ffs.

AIBU to think this attitude is potentially harmful and want to say something? I thought she was just being a doting grandparent by saying he was bright etc but I want to bring up my children to have a good work ethic and try their best etc rather than pushing them in a certain direction.

OP posts:

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 04/06/2018 19:57

Sounds like she wants the best for him. I wouldn't take offence at this if I'm honest.

marjorie25 · 04/06/2018 21:39

If that is all the problems you have with your MIL, then I must say you have serious problems.
Really, that is all you have to worry about.
Choose something that is really worth fighting over, because this sounds really petty.
Come next week, your MIL will say to your son: he might be a bus driver or even a welder (yes welders earn excellent money), more than doctors/accountants and they are in high demand.

BarbarianMum · 04/06/2018 21:42

Yes, terribly harmful. You'd best counteract her by calling him an idiot on a regular basis and telling him books are for girls.

DuchyDuke · 04/06/2018 21:42

It’s not harmful for your son to grow up with expectations. Surely it’s your duty as a parent to ensure he is encouraged and supported into a good education / job?

bionicnemonic · 04/06/2018 21:43

It could be good for him if he feels (when he’s older) that people believe in him. Long ago a friends mum always told her DC’s when they drove near a university ‘that’s a university, you’ll go to one of those one day’ I think it’s aspirational

Gennz18 · 04/06/2018 21:43

How is that damaging? We are both lawyers and people ask DS 3 if he wants to be a lawyer like mummy & daddy - he thinks it is completely lame and wants to be a cricket playing pilot. But I don't think the question itself is damaging?

Your MIl is being U to think being good at science = lawyer, most lawyers I know went into it because they were good at writing/talking and terrible at maths/science.

altiara · 04/06/2018 21:46

I’d probably leave it to be honest. They want him to do well. I do know what you mean, my MIL always says how she likes seeing her grandchildren do well (or something like that). Now yes it is lovely if they do something well/get praised etc. But I also took offence at this as I think the context was around school grades and my eldest DC is not academic like SIL’s DCs so I then was annoyed slightly inside but I let it slide and can now think she loves them as they are and enjoys seeing them succeed at things.

Original poster

cadburyegg · 04/06/2018 21:50

It’s not harmful to ask a child if they want to be x when they grow up, I agree. Telling a child what they expect is a different matter surely?!

Fair enough if I am being unreasonable, I just don’t think it’s helpful telling a 3 year old that they WILL be doing x for a job. And yes, my job as a parent is to support my child into a good education but not push them into a career they might not want.

There is no way my MIL would think a bus driver is a “good enough” career.

OP posts:

Ohmydayslove · 04/06/2018 21:53

Nothing wrong with encouraging kids.

If my dgs aged 2 isn’t a genius for knowing all his numbers up to 10 then I will be amazed

Notintheframe · 04/06/2018 21:56

From your opening post, your MIL is not choosing one profession and telling your son he will be or must be an x. You've now changed your concern.

From your first post, she is encouraging to aim high. To think about professions relating to science or law. I'd understand you latest post if she was saying to him that he must be an x. But she isn't.

Much ado about nothing.

Ohmydayslove · 04/06/2018 21:57

Stop stressing! He’s 3! You can teach him to aim high st whatever he wants to do and kids are quite good at assimilating mad relatives.

Just teach him to laugh at the ridiculous. Very valuable lesson

LanaorAna2 · 04/06/2018 22:14

He's 3. No three-year-old with any brains wants to be anything other than a copper, an astronaut or the fairy queen.

He'll be fine. And yes, taking it for granted that you can get a professional job is halfway to getting there. And no, they don't pay half as well as they used to so he'd probably be better off financially in a sales job.

marjorie25 · 04/06/2018 22:18

cadburyegg:

You missed the point, but as I said if that if all the problems you have with your MIL, then you have serious problems.
Take a chill pill and sit back. As your son gets older, he and your MIL will go through numerous careers before he finally makes up his mind what he wants to do.

Starlight2345 · 04/06/2018 22:19

I remember that when I was 7( middle class family) i told someone I wanted to be a gypsy when I grew up.. My mum was so cross. lol...

I did spend many years travelling so did what I essentially wanted though not in a horse drawn caravan as I imagined..

My point been Your DS will be whatever he is going to be. If he knows he has many options great...He may be a great scientist who knows? I think what is just a conversation for kids not a career plan you are all over thinking it.

Jux · 04/06/2018 22:22

He's 3. He's no real idea what she's talking about. He'll go yhrough the wanting to be a train driver and a fireman and so on, and he'll just ignore that she says he could be a doctor.

There's no problem with encouraging a child, and nothing wrong with suggesting good professional careers for them. That's more likely to make them think and aim high, unless they have a vocation like musician.

FGS don't let him learn an instrument, he'll spend his life broke. And if he learns to write and enjoys stories you're in danger of him wanting to be a writer and then you're truly fucked.

BarbarianMum · 04/06/2018 22:24

I was helping in reception when the teacher tried to do one of these "what do you want to be when you grow up" chats at carpet time.
One little girl wanted to be a policewoman, several wanted to be princesses, one wanted to own a sweetie shop but my favourites were the little boy who wanted to be a giant sweetie and the little girl who wanted to be a beach. Ds2 wanted to be a puppy. It was a very surreal session.

ZoeWashburne · 04/06/2018 22:26

It sounds like you have a chip on your shoulder for “not being very academic”.

Your MIL is trying to support and encourage your son to excel.

The tone just reads: “what, you think you’re better than me?”

Spudina · 04/06/2018 22:35

Awesome BarbarianMum. This thread has just reminded me that in junior school I wanted to be a stripper

Spudina · 04/06/2018 22:37

Sorry meant to say, don't sweat this one OP. Pick your fights.

UmmMeToo · 04/06/2018 22:46

I don't think there should be any pressure from anyone on kids. We as parents can guide them and encourage them to do well at school, study hard, getba good career etc. But nothing should be forced and definitely not feel pressured. Your mil seems pushy to me and I wouldn't like it.

Cornishclio · 04/06/2018 22:58

Bearing in mind that she expressed disappointment in your DH not getting good grades in certain subjects I would be concerned about this too. Some people just cannot help themselves in projecting their own opinions about worthwhile professions on to others even children. Your DS is 3 and could not care less about what he wants to be now. If she carries on doing it through his childhood and he is not naturally good at the subjects she thinks he should be then this is setting him up to feel a failure. Parents should be supportive and encouraging not stressing out their kids and making them feel they have to achieve a certain level for their parents to feel proud of them. This applies to GPs too.

My MIL frequently used to put my DH down because he was an engineer and did not go to work in a suit. He earned a very good salary and enjoyed his job which was worthwhile but still I think she died never telling him she was proud of him. She also expressed disappointment in my DD2s A level results which she then projected on to the rest of her family. I gave her hell for that and said we would not be giving her any information about our family after that and to mind her own business. DD2 went on to get a first class computing degree.

TotHappy · 04/06/2018 23:20

Wow, I'm really surprised by these responses. I would be as concerned as you. She's implying that only the professions are good jobs. He won't understand it now of course, but it's insidious. And all those posters saying that there's nothing wrong with 'aiming high' are implying the same.

The only thing worth aiming for in terms of career is a job that you are good at and fulfils you, that earns you enough to live, with a lifestyle that makes you happy, without compromising your integrity.

Most of us have to balance those things in our choice of job - but I would take exception to anyone teaching my children that the thing to aim for is the most money, or the most status. I think that's wrong.

Mxyzptlk · 04/06/2018 23:28

You can counteract it when MiL says these things, and when she is not there, by making comments about whatever your DS is good at and about all sorts of things he might want to do.
You don't need to do much of that just yet, of course, but as he grows older.

Spudina · 04/06/2018 23:35

If you want to stop them, you could pointedly say, next time one of these suggestions is made, "as long as DS loves his job, it doesn't matter what it is." Or something similar. And hope they get the hint??

Notintheframe · 05/06/2018 00:08

There are very few jobs that are "fulfilling".

Nothing wrong in being ambitious for your child or grandchild and letting them know it. A problem only arises if your love for them is conditional - you only love them if they come top of the class, etc.

If my grown-up child did not achieve his potential, I would tell him so. Why shouldn't I? Your MIL isn't telling her son he is a failure. Just that he could have done better. Presumably you want your son to do better than you, to excel where you didn't, etc. Most jobs are draining mentally. So for his troubles, your son might as well aim for a well-paying one.

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