I’ll try not to make an essay out of this. I’ve been married for 5 years. The first 4 were amazing, really amazing. This past year has been really rocky though. I know I’m some of the problem. I worked in a very stressful job, started drinking a bit (half a bottle of wine a night) and was a bit of a nightmare to live with.
Just before we went on holiday at Christmas we had a belter of an argument where DH said he had t been happy for the past year with my stress and general MH. I really made an effort, cut back in the booze and agreed to pack in my well paid job. We both agreed that I’d retrain for a very low paid but really fulfilling dream job. We had savings (mostly saved by me) and before I went and did the training we split what was in the savings account. I had concerns over the cost and the distance (training was a long way from home) but was reassured that it would be OK.
Fast forward to 3 months down the road, I’ve done the training and started work 7 days a week and loving it and doing really well. My DH has been visiting every 2 weeks for 3/4 days at a time which has been great and FT every evening.
The problem started when I mentioned about our credit card of which I pay just over the minimum every month (about a 2k balance). I wasn’t hugely concerned on the amount as I knew I could pay it off towards the end of the year. He knew we had a balance but claims he didn’t, he thought I’d paid it off. Anyway, this has turned into a living nightmare. It blew up on his last visit where he told me I was selfish and narcissistic for even thinking about the retraining and lower paid job and now the distance is a problem. I reminded him that he encouraged me to go for this and reminded him of the discussions on the subject where he states that he ‘was being supportive’ at the time but also in his head couldn’t get past the low pay and cost of training.
I’m now moving back to where he is this week and living with his parents. He’s been so awful this week (on another visit) making up imaginary conversations we’ve apparently had on the subject, making snide comments on my new job, appearance and mocking my opinions to the point I’ve just given up fighting my corner.
He’s supposed to be paying my car loan in the time I’m away as he’s using my car and has missed 2 payments despite me asking for the money. I’m now overdrawn and have absolutely no money.
When he visited me this time I had no electricity so I arranged for s sparky to come that day as I was working. It cost £20 for the visit but apparently it was so stressful that I ‘owed him a blowjob’ for the hassle. I’ve been on my period this week and ordinarily we’d do other stuff but this morning we were in a rush to do something so didn’t have time. This resulted in a sulk all day with general nastiness I.e silent treatment, more nasty comments, telling me he’d dream cheated on me and enjoyed it etc. I remained calm and didn’t rise to it and put it down to the lack of sex. We get back, period had finished so I just gave in and had sex. He’s slightly better but still a bit off.
There’s just so much that’s happened that I think I want out. I feel like he’s manipulated the situation and wants out of the marriage too. He claims he doesn’t but I think he does.
I’m now going back to no house (we rented before and I paid all the bills), no job and in an area I hate and have no friends. I’m sad that up until 8 months ago we were so so happy and now it’s just not the same. I’m annoyed with myself for being left so vulnerable and annoyed with him because I’ve supported him with problems with his health and problems with his DD.
He was arrested 2 years ago for trying to strangle me and I stayed with him because he wasn’t well and he was stressed and he gave up drinking (he’s not good with alcohol).
I’m writing this thinking how fucking stupid I’ve been but also panicking because I have absolutely nothing and I get the feeling that he gets off on that. I’m trying to find some way of coping with this when I get back. My only friend lives thousands of miles away, I can’t tell my dad as he just loves him and would blame me so I’m stuck. I need to go back, find a job and reset but I don’t know how long I can go through this pretence and trying to keep him happy. It’s such a mess. I actually just want to crawl away and die. How fucking tragic is that. After so many years telling my DD not to rely on anyone for happiness or security that I’ve ended up in this situation. I’m not a bad person, I can be stressy but I’m not nasty.
Sorry, that’s a mind dump and there’s probably so much I’ve left out, not intentionally. Wtf am I going to do?