To ask how I handle this

[SadandAnnoyed]

I’ll try not to make an essay out of this. I’ve been married for 5 years. The first 4 were amazing, really amazing. This past year has been really rocky though. I know I’m some of the problem. I worked in a very stressful job, started drinking a bit (half a bottle of wine a night) and was a bit of a nightmare to live with.

Just before we went on holiday at Christmas we had a belter of an argument where DH said he had t been happy for the past year with my stress and general MH. I really made an effort, cut back in the booze and agreed to pack in my well paid job. We both agreed that I’d retrain for a very low paid but really fulfilling dream job. We had savings (mostly saved by me) and before I went and did the training we split what was in the savings account. I had concerns over the cost and the distance (training was a long way from home) but was reassured that it would be OK.

Fast forward to 3 months down the road, I’ve done the training and started work 7 days a week and loving it and doing really well. My DH has been visiting every 2 weeks for 3/4 days at a time which has been great and FT every evening.

The problem started when I mentioned about our credit card of which I pay just over the minimum every month (about a 2k balance). I wasn’t hugely concerned on the amount as I knew I could pay it off towards the end of the year. He knew we had a balance but claims he didn’t, he thought I’d paid it off. Anyway, this has turned into a living nightmare. It blew up on his last visit where he told me I was selfish and narcissistic for even thinking about the retraining and lower paid job and now the distance is a problem. I reminded him that he encouraged me to go for this and reminded him of the discussions on the subject where he states that he ‘was being supportive’ at the time but also in his head couldn’t get past the low pay and cost of training.

I’m now moving back to where he is this week and living with his parents. He’s been so awful this week (on another visit) making up imaginary conversations we’ve apparently had on the subject, making snide comments on my new job, appearance and mocking my opinions to the point I’ve just given up fighting my corner.

He’s supposed to be paying my car loan in the time I’m away as he’s using my car and has missed 2 payments despite me asking for the money. I’m now overdrawn and have absolutely no money.

When he visited me this time I had no electricity so I arranged for s sparky to come that day as I was working. It cost £20 for the visit but apparently it was so stressful that I ‘owed him a blowjob’ for the hassle. I’ve been on my period this week and ordinarily we’d do other stuff but this morning we were in a rush to do something so didn’t have time. This resulted in a sulk all day with general nastiness I.e silent treatment, more nasty comments, telling me he’d dream cheated on me and enjoyed it etc. I remained calm and didn’t rise to it and put it down to the lack of sex. We get back, period had finished so I just gave in and had sex. He’s slightly better but still a bit off.

There’s just so much that’s happened that I think I want out. I feel like he’s manipulated the situation and wants out of the marriage too. He claims he doesn’t but I think he does.

I’m now going back to no house (we rented before and I paid all the bills), no job and in an area I hate and have no friends. I’m sad that up until 8 months ago we were so so happy and now it’s just not the same. I’m annoyed with myself for being left so vulnerable and annoyed with him because I’ve supported him with problems with his health and problems with his DD.

He was arrested 2 years ago for trying to strangle me and I stayed with him because he wasn’t well and he was stressed and he gave up drinking (he’s not good with alcohol).

I’m writing this thinking how fucking stupid I’ve been but also panicking because I have absolutely nothing and I get the feeling that he gets off on that. I’m trying to find some way of coping with this when I get back. My only friend lives thousands of miles away, I can’t tell my dad as he just loves him and would blame me so I’m stuck. I need to go back, find a job and reset but I don’t know how long I can go through this pretence and trying to keep him happy. It’s such a mess. I actually just want to crawl away and die. How fucking tragic is that. After so many years telling my DD not to rely on anyone for happiness or security that I’ve ended up in this situation. I’m not a bad person, I can be stressy but I’m not nasty.

Sorry, that’s a mind dump and there’s probably so much I’ve left out, not intentionally. Wtf am I going to do?

He is an abuser, he just waited 3 years to show you (which is fairly classic). He probably prefers you to be dependent on him financially too. Get away from him as soon and as safely as possible.

Oh op l feel so shocked by what you have said, particularly as the ONLY important bit

'he tried to strangle me'

was dropped in half way through!!!!

Nothing else matters op, don't go back with him,he could KILL YOU

Call your dad tell him the truth and ask to borrrow enough money to keep you going till you can get a job, or can you get a small loan so you can rent a room somewhere you want to live and can get a job?

I am dumbstruck you do not see the huge danger in going home with him.........You deserve better as does any woman.

Thank you everyone so far.

Got back to his families house late Thursday. We went out for the day which was awful. He’s turned into this guy I don’t recognise. And someone I really don’t like. I’m not looking for sympathy. I don’t deserve it. I’m looking for a place to offload.

All day Friday he was just angry. I’m still playing the role of the little woman who no longer debates or questions his (racist and misogynist) opinions. It’s just not worth it. He’s ground me down. He called me ‘cunty’ and when I called him a wankbadger (thank you MN for recent thread on insults!) he got all arsy and accused me of being aggressive and how he should no longer use inflammatory words as I’m very obviously being sensitive.

I cooked a full breakfast in the morning to which he responded that it was the last redeeming feature for him. We went out for the day and went to the house he wanted to buy. It was an awful area and said so. Cue silence.

After a day of just awfulness and no affection he wanted sex that night. Again, to just save the hassle I just went what I’d hoped was autopilot. I’m not good at hiding my emotions and held myself back from crying throughout the whole thing. Thankfully it was over quite quickly.

There’s no affection from him. If there was I’m not sure if it would make it better or worse. I’m struggling to show affection and I think he’s aware of me just going through the motions. My act is just that and he’s seeing through it I think.

My dad called last night and he knows there’s something wrong. I can’t tell him. I don’t have anyone. No one wants to know. No one asks me if I’m ok. I’m not. I’m really not. I’m just trying so hard to stop the bad thoughts in my head.

I can’t go to WA, I don’t have anyone. I don’t want to and I’m not going to be a victim. I need to sort this out in my way in my own time. This is my colossal fuck up. I should have known. I need to come out of this knowing I’ve come through it by myself. It’s going to make me stronger and harder, no?

Day 1 of this and I’m struggling to hold myself together. I’m silently crying out and feel so desperately helpless out of my own pride and not wanting to be a burden on anyone. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up.

He’s text to say he’s not coming home tonight (family bereavement). I just text my dad saying I’m not ok and may need to come home for a bit. I’ve reached a new level of shame here.

Please don't be ashamed, you have done nothing wrong. Can you stay with your dad and get yourself sorted. You really do need to leave.

Well done for telling your dad. Nothing to be ashamed about. Pack your bags, go home. You are qualified, you can get a job and get back on your feet. 6 months from now you'll be debt free, working, in your own place and no longer living in fear of this twat.

Well done for texting your dad. The first step is often the hardest. You're on your way! Good luck.

You really do need to re read your OP. You talk about how great things were 8 months ago, but mention tnat he tells you he wasn't happy with the relationship and you mention that he tried to FUCKING STRANGLE you, as though it us the most normal thing in the world. Do not go back to this violent, emotionally and sexually (you owe me a blow job- fuck thst) abusive man.

Go to your Dads if you have nowhere to go. You can earn sone money relatively quickly. It's not great to be in debt, but it's way better than being DEAD or forced to have sex with a man who is being horrible to you. The easy way is not the right way for you. Leave him, his minimising mother, his ex wife and DD and run away to save yourself. Please.

Sorry, i see you went back. Cross post. You owe him nothing. Just leave. You don't need to stay, you don't need to have sex. He hasn't changed but perhaps you having a bit of long distance space and perspective has changed how you see him. Abusers are always more powerful when they have you there, under their control. They are terrified of outside influences opening your eyes to what is going on.

Oh sweetheart, you don’t have to fix this on your own as none of this is your fault. That’s what friends and family are for.

You’ve taken the first step of telling your dad. Use tomorrow to pack what you need and go and see him. Tell him you’re in an abusive relationship and need help. And then let him help you, let us help you. No one should have to suffer this alone.

Going home to your dad is fucking brave it's a choice that seems like a failure but will infact save you

You didn't get yourself into anything, he little by little pushed you there so sneakily that by the time you realised your situation you were already there.

For the record because it's important that someone clearly tells you apart from the physical stuff which you know is obviously abusive behaviour nearly everything you have wrote is peppered with (too many to count) red flags or outright abuse. I know it's hard to see it because you twist it and minimise in your head to cope (we all do) but honestly from someone with nothing to gain he is emotionally, physically, sexually and financially abusing you.

My love, go home please. That man is a bloody horror and you deserve so much more. Pack and leave as soon as you can.

he has a few narcistic traits and is controlling. run for the hills.

ayear from now you will be in same situ if u dont leave.

Oh ffs if it was your daughter what would you say? Do you really have to ask?

Get a suitable job in an area of your choice, find cheap lodgings temporarily, get your car and start your life again - alone.

Just checking in, you've been on my mind so wanted to send a message to let you know I'm thinking of you and I'm sure others are too

There is nothing shameful about relying on your dad for a bit, that's what parents are for. Long before I got to the strangling bit of your post I was thinking that you need to get away from this arsehole. The debt you mention is very small, once you are working again you can pay it off so try not to worry about that, but you need to get away from this guy and stay away, for good.

Hi, checking in briefly to say thank you to those asking for me. Bit of a dull update. I’m with him and living the pretence despite looking at him and hating him but at the moment, I can cope and I’m doing ok with the pretence. I’m not in danger, just putting up with the snide comments which I can compartmentalise just now.

I had an interview which went really well, between me and one other. I should have the 2nd interview next week. In the meantime I’ve had 2 other interviews set up.

I text my dad on Saturday saying I’m not ok and might need to come home. Nothing. I finally got a call from him on Wednesday but I didn’t answer. He’s not going to be there for me. I text him back telling him that I’d be in touch in the future but obviously I need to sort this out for myself without him, which I’ll do. My brother has also text which is unusual unless he wants something so they’ve been gossiping between the 2 of them. Anything I do will be done by me and that’s fine. I don’t need anyone. I don’t have anyone and that’s fine.

He compared me to his EW (who they all detest because apparently she’s psychotic) in front of his parents and I just snapped. He said ‘ooooo look at you and how angry you are’ kinda gleeful to which I responded ‘I wouldn’t stab you I’d poison you so you die a long painful death like our marriage’. His mum was ‘that’s my boy you’re talking about’. I just responded that she needed to teach her son manners. They were tripping over themselves to be nice then.

I’m in control at the moment and it’s only a matter of time. He won’t touch me here. He’ll make digs and be snidy but I can put up with that for the time being. I will be free of him.

@ginkypink thank you. It’s heartwarming that a (please don’t take offence) that a random stranger is more interested in me than my own family ❤️

To add about my dad. When I phoned him after the strangling incident I called in tears and before I could tell him what had happened he said ‘what have YOU done now’. This is why I can’t rely on him.

I’m not in danger

YES YOU ARE!!!! Seriously, run, right now, to your dad, to WA, anyone. This guy tried to strangle you in the past and is being abusive NOW - you are in physical danger RIGHT NOW.

He’s on probation and not that stupid to touch me at the moment. Without outing myself, we’re never alone (which is good from the sex perspective) he won’t let the mask slip. If I know anything about this piece of shit, he won’t do anything to make himself look bad.

I went to pick up his DD and the first thing he said was not to engage in conversation with his EW because ‘she’s nuts’. I’ve spoken to her before and seems quite civil (despite MH issues). I hate him. I hate the time I’ve wasted on him and I hate myself that someone who has been through DV before that I’ve been taken in by a manipulative cunt of a person yet again. I won’t ever be here again. I’m done with men. Full fucking stop.

Not that people with MH issues can’t be civil btw (that came out wrong) but apparently she’s (in my H words) schizophrenic with psychotic tendencies.

Are you afraid to speak to his EW? Could you ask her about your H? You might find an ally in her.