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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

..to not go with ex's idea of DIY divorce?

29 replies

Crazycatladyx5 · 04/06/2018 18:17

AIBU not to go halves with ex on DIY divorce?
As it's nearly 2 years since ex left (for someone else) I want to go ahead with divorce proceedings & asked ex to meet & talk things through. He was stalling saying he would talk in a few weeks. He did not want to meet up. So I asked if he was still standing by what he said 20 months ago & not making any claim on this house, which I actually bought before I even met him. (It's in my name, I always paid all bills & I live here with our 9yr old DD.)
He replied that he doesn't want anything now but wants a legal agreement that if I sell it before DD is 19 he gets a cut. He says this is to protect her interests so I can't sell it to buy a house with my bf. (If & when my bf & I do eventually live together we will write wills to protect our children's inheritance).
There's no way I could have ex dictating where & who I live with for 10 years.. .I told him this. I told him we would just have to put this house in marital pot along with debts (by time debts are paid half of equity will only be a few thousand) & HIS house. He bought it while still married so it's a marital asset.
So today he's changed his tune...hes been to see a solicitor & been advised it's best to have a clean break now....he says he has forms to fill in for DIY divorce which will cost £550. He says we can pay half each.
Would I be mad to still pay my solicitor (up to) a couple of thousand, or more (which I'm having to borrow) to get her to handle it?
I'm seeing mine for first free session on Wed. I'll see her for advice. But will she advise me to get her to handle the divorce just to make money? I don't suppose solicitors like DIY divorces.
I don't trust ex to do it properly. He's too blumin lazy to fill in paperwork. And what if he just doesn't bother cos he knows delaying will affect me. He's become a real control freak, especially since I met my bf.
But I'm very skint & saving money does appeal.
I really have no idea what to do.
Sorry this is so long.
Thank you for reading.
I'd be very grateful to hear of anyone else's experiences, or for any advice.
Thank you.

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 04/06/2018 18:22

See a solicitor - is he paying maintenance?

CitySnicker · 04/06/2018 18:39

Yeah. See a solicitor. He MIGHT have no claim on your house but you do on his house. Whether you chase him for it is up to you (and if he’s paying child support.)

Notevilstepmother · 04/06/2018 18:44

Do you want half his house? If not then you’ve got what you wanted. But make sure if you need money from him for DD that it’s written and agreed clearly. I’m not sure if a clean break can be used if there is maintenance?

AnotherDayAnotherName745 · 04/06/2018 18:53

I had the impression that a court is unlikely to grant a divorce, where the party left with DCs hasn't clearly got good legal advice, especially if the other has. A couple I know we're told to reapply once she had representation. I'm guessing it's because they want to be absolutely sure that the interests of the child are properly protected.
And I'm fairly sure he can't have a clean break from paying toward his child's needs Hmm.
Even if he had paid a lot toward the house, you would have a much greater claim on it as the parent caring for the child from the marriage. I doubt he has much claim on it when you already had it...
Definitely get legal advice, and I think you might be rash not to take on a solicitor for this

AnotherDayAnotherName745 · 04/06/2018 18:56

And if he's being like this...I think the solicitor will probably advise that you may have a claim on a proportion of his pension, as well as his house...

mummmy2017 · 04/06/2018 18:57

Clean break if your personal finances..
He still gets to pay child support.

Original poster
Crazycatladyx5 · 04/06/2018 18:58

I don't want his house. I just want to keep mine. I've been here 24 years, I bought it from council 16 years ago. My elderly parents live round the corner. So I don't want to move.
I'm skint but really think Is feel safer getting a solicitor to handle things so it's all done properly.
He pays a minimum amount of maintenance for DD as just works part time. I was always main earner.
Thanks for replies

OP posts:
MrsOprah · 04/06/2018 19:04

proper solicitor for proper clean break.
'hold your cards close to your chest', the moment it's done, then if he ever tried to dictate anything id give him both barrels, how dare he!

dogzdinner · 04/06/2018 19:06

It's up to you if you want to use a solicitor, it won't stop the court approving anything if you don't.

You really must get a consent order though, that will be an additional cost to the basic divorce petition cost

dogzdinner · 04/06/2018 19:09

you should get yourself over to the Divorce/Separation threads

blackteasplease · 04/06/2018 19:11

Use a proper solicitor or public access barrister. It will be worth it in the long term and you will also know that any agreement you make makes sense in law.

MyOtherUsernameisaPun · 04/06/2018 19:14

A solicitor is never going to advice you to do it DIY but not because they're out to get money from you. It's because lay persons are rarely in a position to anticipate possible pitfalls and loopholes and make sure they're legally accounted for. The only way you can properly protect yourself is by having a lawyer handle it. You are paying for peace of mind really!

FASH84 · 04/06/2018 19:15

Not relevant really, but how did he buy a house of his own only working part time and seemingly not in a very lucrative field as he's only required to pay minimum maintenance? I agree with PPs about proper legal advice though.

RandomMess · 04/06/2018 19:18

I think it's clear that his solicitor has told him how things are and that he will lose out if it goes to court...

Ask solicitor what a court would readily agree to. It may give you leverage to ask for a few £k from H and keep it out of court. Both parties need to have had a solicitor's advice which costs probably £500k each regardless.

We had to with a DIY divorce did the rest of the work ourselves

niknac1 · 04/06/2018 19:19

You might have some claim on his pension, investments etc, you need this information to make sure he’s not keeping his fat cat pension or bonuses for himself

Racecardriver · 04/06/2018 19:22

A solicitor can't give you bad advice to make money. The SRA don't take kindly to that kind of behaviour.

Original poster
Crazycatladyx5 · 04/06/2018 19:28

He's only ever worked part time. It woukd be more likely he woukd get my pension but we both agreed to leave pensions alone.
He bought his dad's house for just £50k. He's his gfs carer so probs gets money for that but carers allowance is not counted when working out maintenance. Also, his gf got 90k for her half of the equity from her hubby. (She left her hubby for mine). But he has mortgage on house & it's only in his name...I checked land 'registry.

OP posts:
Nairobiblue · 04/06/2018 19:32

Please please use your own solicitor, his o e has no obligation to give you proper advice. You need someone to fight for YOUR rights and not his.

AnotherDayAnotherName745 · 05/06/2018 00:04

Both parties need to have had a solicitor's advice which costs probably £500k each regardless
No it doesn't Hmm, no one would use a solicitor if it did!

Jimdandy · 05/06/2018 00:18

Never do a DIY divorce unless there are no assets or kids involved!

RB68 · 05/06/2018 00:32

Ditto JimDandy

Also if he has a house and you are still married....its half yours

So if he truly starts getting funny about things...

Just get yourself someone to sort out the finance side of things - once that is agreed and done Divorce is just a small thing

EveningHare · 05/06/2018 00:51

£500k ???

Fuckwithnosensesauce · 05/06/2018 01:07

Why would you pay half when his behaviour ended the marriage? He walked out, he gets the pleasure of paying the bill!

Els1e · 05/06/2018 06:35

My ex and I did a diy divorce, cost £180 back then. But we had no children, both worked full time on similar wages, pension pots etc so it was easy for us to agree a balanced parting. In your case, I think I would use a solicitor.

Fflamingo · 05/06/2018 06:41

The decisions made now could affect the rest of your life.
Def do it properly with a solicitor.

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