Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I feel hurt & upset at Ex & DCs

26 replies

TooHotToSleepAgain · 04/06/2018 10:50

Well STBXH

We married for 25 years & have 2DC (16 & 19).

When we split the youngest choose to live with his Dad as he didn’t want him to be on his own. It’s fine - we message most days & see each other a few times a week.

The eldest is at uni & comes back to me during the holidays.

Last week I was visiting an elderly relative (from his side) & she asked how I felt about Ex & DS2 moving abroad.
It was first I’d heard of it.
DCs & Ex have had many discussions about it.

DC2 is meant to be starting an apprenticeship in September but he has been sold this amazing opportunity to move to another country (Tanzania)

BTW the move has come about because EXs new GF is moving for work.

I just feel upset no one bothered to tell me. AIBU ?

OP posts:
KarmaStar · 04/06/2018 10:52

No you are absolutely not bu.

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/06/2018 10:53

Blimey. No of course YANBU to be upset! Have you spoken to DS since you found out?

PartyAnxiety · 04/06/2018 10:56

Of course YANBU. That is completely insane to plan for such a move without consulting with you in detail. What on earth is DS2 going to be doing in Tanzania?

Original poster
TooHotToSleepAgain · 04/06/2018 11:01

We were supposed to be meeting for dinner but he didn’t turn up .

I’ve spoken to him on the phone & thinks it’s the best thing ever. I’ve asked him what he is planning on doing there etc but replies ‘ I don’t know but Dad said it will be great ‘

Eldest said he told his DF in no uncertain terms how he felt... that his DF has only been with his GF for 3 months etc.

I’ve messaged EX over the weekend about jobs (for DC), living arrangements, flights to see each other but they have been read but not replied.

OP posts:
FlyingDandelionSeed · 04/06/2018 11:06

I don't think you are being unreasonable to be upset, but I do think you'd be unreasonable to try to stop DS2 from doing it. It could be an amazing experience for him.

Handsfull13 · 04/06/2018 11:08

I'll be honest I know nothing about this but at 16 is he even legally allowed to move countries without your blessing.
I would have expected to be told first hand not through someone else and to be talked through the plans of what is going to happen.
I would do some research and request a serious sit down to discuss all plans that involve your child.

RB68 · 04/06/2018 11:09

I think it needs more research and DS2 needs and escape plan if things go wrong etc. Even at his age it is unreasonable to shift continents and expect you to suck it up no discussion - I would be looking at getting it blocked until more formal plans are in place

Original poster
TooHotToSleepAgain · 04/06/2018 11:41

I have pointed out the legality & this was the only message I got a reply

‘ you will lose your son forever if you deny him the opportunity that has been presented to him’

To which I asked what the opportunities were - no reply

OP posts:
19lottie82 · 04/06/2018 11:52

Can they just “move” to Africa? What about Visas ect? Can they work?

I think you need to do some serious research about this then sit down and have a chat with your son.

Africa can be a dangerous place - it’s not going to be the land of milk and honey that his father is promising him, unless he and his GF are very wealthy.

Notcontent · 04/06/2018 11:52

It sounds like a mad plan. At 16 his number one priority needs to be to get some qualifications. I don’t know much about Tanzania but I very much doubt he would be able to access further education there, or an apprenticeship. Surely a better plan would be for him to just go for the summer holidays? But it sounds like you just need to leave him to find out for himself.

19lottie82 · 04/06/2018 11:53

Maybe suggest to son that his DF move over, get himself set up and after a while DS can go for a visit and see what he thinks (once you have all the info about visas ect)

HollowTalk · 04/06/2018 11:55

I would be incredibly upset by this - it sounds as though your ex is a terrible influence on his son.

Are you living alone now? Had your ex met his girlfriend before he left?

StormTreader · 04/06/2018 11:56

16 is an age for trying things - it might not work out or it might be the best thing that every happened to him. If it doesnt work out he can still do an apprenticeship or other training when he comes back.

Not telling you though? That is really not on. When were they planning on telling you?

Notcontent · 04/06/2018 11:57

Is your ex very well off?

HollowTalk · 04/06/2018 12:00

From the look of it, your son would need to have a visa organised by a Tanzanian company before he could go there to work. If he's going as a foreign student then surely the fees would be high and he'd have to return at the end of his studies? And why would he want to study there when he wants to do an apprenticeship here?

Is that where your ex's girlfriend is from? I doubt "knowing my dad's girlfriend" is enough to allow your son a visa.

Original poster
TooHotToSleepAgain · 04/06/2018 12:02

No not well off at all.

If he’d come to me & said - look this opportunity has come up, this is how it would work etc - I’d have been fine & maybe excited for DS.

It’s the not telling me . I have no idea when they were going to tell me. It hurt to hear it from the relative.

And I’ll miss him so much

OP posts:
19lottie82 · 04/06/2018 12:14

16 is an age for trying things

True, but maybe not if there are no education / employment opportunities, high murder rates and he wouldn’t be advised to go out himself after dark .

Original poster
TooHotToSleepAgain · 04/06/2018 12:22

She is from Lithuania- I had to check Ex Facebook just to find this bit of information out

OP posts:
BlueJava · 04/06/2018 12:41

Tanzania sounds a fantastic opportunity - even just travelling for a bit or living somewhere else. It sounds like you were told as they knew your reaction would be disapproval. Doesn't make it right but I can see why it happened. At 16 he's young and even if he takes a year out then it won't matter.

HollowTalk · 04/06/2018 15:03

I wonder why your ex thinks he'll be able to go there, taking a recent girlfriend and his son with him. He's not well off... is he planning to work there? Their immigration rules seem pretty strict.

Original poster
TooHotToSleepAgain · 04/06/2018 16:52

I’m not sure what/how Ex is intending to do once there because he literally refuses to tell me anything

OP posts:
fourquenelles · 04/06/2018 17:00

I'd be concerned Op. A quick Google seems to show that there are very limited conditions for obtaining a visa to work out there. Your STBEx and DC could end up being supported by a very new GF. I wonder how she feels about that.

Info here
www.internations.org/tanzania-expats/guide/moving-to-tanzania-17149/tanzania-permits-and-transportation-2

19lottie82 · 04/06/2018 17:19

As I posted earlier you really need to sit down with your son and do some research on what he will be able to do once he’s there. I’m guessing not a lot.

Suggest his Father goes out first for 6 months or whatever then he can go for a visit with a view of extending it if his father is working and can support him.

Also point out that it would be a shame for him to throw away the opportunity of his apprenticeship right now. Good ones are as rare as hens teeth and the competition is huge.

Don’t tell him what to do, just try and guide him.

BUT in all honesty, I don’t think his father will even make it out there to live. As a PP pointed out, the visa regulations are strict.

19lottie82 · 04/06/2018 17:22

PS maybe even sit down with your son then suggest you both sit down with his father to discuss how he is going to support them both and what opportunities there are for DS. Maybe your son will wise up to his dads pipe dream of an amazing new life in a land of milk and honey if you’re sitting there to call him out on his BS.

RatherBeRiding · 04/06/2018 17:27

I suspect your Ex hasn't done his research into moving to Tanzania, and this is all very pie in the sky - especially as this relationship is extremely new.

Keep your powder dry - hard as it must be I think I'd let ex get on with these "plans" and let your son know that whilst you don't think it's particularly sensible, you won't stand in his way either. And just be there for him when it all goes pear-shaped.