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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect DH to get up and help?

33 replies

Mintchocmummy · 04/06/2018 09:48

DH had surgery and is currently off work. No driving for 3 months, in a cast and on crutches. Elective surgery - he’s not ‘ill’. So I’m doing all the school runs, I work and I’m doing all the cooking and cleaning, grocery shopping, waiting on him with drinks, etc etc

DD is back to school (primary age) after half term and I need to drop her at the school’s wraparound care by 8 so that I can get to work then finish by 5 to collect her from childcare again. I have an executive job which requires me to be properly suited and made up every day - I can’t just throw on jeans or a crumpled uniform. School is 15 mins away so realistically we need to be up by 7 at the absolute latest.

AIBU to expect DH to get up with us and help get DD ready for school, as he has the rest of the day to laze around? It’s 9.45am now and he’s still in bed.

OP posts:

Tatiannatomasina · 04/06/2018 09:51

What can he physically do? Is he on meds and in pain? How long ago was the surgery? Need to know a bit more really

Original poster

Mintchocmummy · 04/06/2018 10:04

It was two weeks ago and he’s on ibuprofen. DD gets distracted if you turn your back and needs to be nagged to eat her breakfast, get dressed and so on. I need him to help keep her keep her moving whilst I’m showering or getting myself ready, do her hair, and so on.

It doesn’t sound much but it’ll make a huge difference to my stress levels. There’s huge pressure at work right now and he doesn’t seem bothered about adding to it.

OP posts:

Merryoldgoat · 04/06/2018 10:08

You aren’t unreasonable at all. My DS is like this (it’s exhausting but that’s another thread) but my DH and I do the mornings together. Whilst your DH is not able to move around well he can certainly sit on the sofa and chivvy along breakfast and assist with dressing.

PleasingMe · 04/06/2018 10:09

Yanbu he can can still speak can't he?

RB68 · 04/06/2018 10:17

I think whilst he can't do some of the physical stuff he can do an online food order, meal plan if not cook, as you say help with brekkie even if he is in PJ's, he can also take any admin load with bills etc.

Is he none weight bearing?

Even on one leg you can chop and prep things like Salads - he has got all day.

I was none weight bearing for 3 months living on my own - you find a way. Best thing I used was a tallish trolley to move stuff from one room to next like cuppas, cooking prep stuff (Fridge to dining table then back to cooker etc.

I think he needs to stop taking advantage of you and or you need to get some help in short term

SweetCheeks1980 · 04/06/2018 10:17

What normally happens in the morning?

RomeoBunny · 04/06/2018 10:19

Sorry he's on crutches, and ibuprofen. Not bedbound and on morphine. Stop pandering to him or playing nurse maid and tell him he needs to pull his finger out.

PartyAnxiety · 04/06/2018 10:22

YANBU if he's not actually ill he could at least sit in the kitchen and chat to DD while she makes her breakfast and be the one to make sure she's getting dressed, has found her book bag etc. Have you actually asked him to help and he refused?

Crossfitgirl · 04/06/2018 10:38

I would just speak to him - explain how much more stressed you are due to him not doing anything, and explain how it would make a huge difference to you if he could help and do even some of his usual things but just what he's able to with his leg.
As someone has said, he could still sit in the kitchen and prepare food, sit and meal plan, sit and online shop, sit and fold up washing etc., and he can chivvy along the kids in a morning!
He probably doesn't think it's an issue because you're just doing it all and of course, he's had surgery so there is his excuse!
I'm a physio and have worked in orthopaedics before and we were always told to call it a "procedure" rather than surgery or operation, as like you say it's not like they are unwell, they are just waiting for it to heal! It's more practicality that's the problem.
Get a trolley for carrying things, and get a perching stool for him to sit on in the kitchen. Sorted.
I have always found meal planning, sorting bills and day to day housey admin and stuff like that is actually quite time consuming and mentally draining and when my DH does it, it massively helps, even without your situation!
Definitely not being unreasonable.

Original poster

Mintchocmummy · 04/06/2018 10:38

I’m normally out of the house by 7.40 for work and they’re just getting up. He does the drop off on his way to work for 9. He laughs that he’ll only every get up as early as he absolutely has to, unless he’s going on holiday!

I fear that he’ll put on his usual defensive attitude if I raise it and I can’t face an argument when I’m already stressed with work and home. I’m sleeping badly, having treatment for grinding my teeth, and physio for back pain so he knows I’m struggling.

It’s a very heavy cast and I do have sympathy when I see him trying to get around, it’s incredibly awkward. He’s non weight bearing for at least 6wk and we have no family nearby who can help.

OP posts:

Cuffuffle · 04/06/2018 10:45

If my DP was in a cast and in pain, struggling to be mobile. I'd just get up 1/2 an hour earlier to get myself ready. I also know he would do the same for me.

AhoyDelBoy · 04/06/2018 10:48

Sorry he's on crutches, and ibuprofen. Not bedbound and on morphine. Stop pandering to him or playing nurse maid and tell him he needs to pull his finger out.

Yep. Sounds like he's milking it.

mrsm43s · 04/06/2018 11:13

So he normally does it by himself, yes? While you only get yourself ready and head off to work nice and early, without helping at all. And now he's taking painkillers and on crutches, you think that he should still get up and do it, so you can get yourself ready? And despite the fact that he manages to do it by himself the majority of the time, you for some reason cannot do this for a few weeks while he recuperates?

Isabella1978 · 04/06/2018 11:18

He is being lazy, I was up and helping to look after 11 y/o and 8 m/o 8 days after a full hip replacement.
Tell him to get on with it, stop wallowing and he will feel better.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 04/06/2018 11:22

Tell him he has to get up and supervise. He can watch DD eat her breakfast. Give him her uniform and he can sit and help her get dressed.

Original poster

Mintchocmummy · 04/06/2018 12:00

mrsm43s - not quite - all year round I get up at 6.45 and prep her snack, get uniform and sports kit ready, before starting work at 8 then finish at 5 to collect DD, run her to clubs and prepare dinner. That’s when I’m not doing overtime, getting up at 5.30 for meetings on the other side of London, and bringing home the majority share of the household income. I’d love to start work later and get up with them but it can’t be done.

OP posts:

kaytee87 · 04/06/2018 12:06

What surgery did he get? NWB sounds like broken bones?
When I broke my ankle in 4 places and had surgery to correct it I could hardly do anything more than sleep for 2-3 weeks, I was on very strong painkillers though.
It's hard to say whether yabu or not tbh. Being nwb is physically very tough and being in pain is very tiring.
Could you not just speak to him and ask him if he can help?

mrsm43s · 04/06/2018 12:16

If it was a working dad who was suggesting that his wife should be getting out of bed days after surgery, on crutches and painkillers to get the children ready for school because he couldn't manage it alone cos of his important work schedule, there would be uproar on here.

Original poster

Mintchocmummy · 04/06/2018 12:48

He takes two normal ibuprofen once a day if at all and it was more than two weeks ago.

A working dad wouldn’t need to ask - he didn’t have to ask me when I had major abdominal surgery and got up every day without fail to make his morning run easier. I had the rest of the day to take it easy.

OP posts:

kaytee87 · 04/06/2018 12:52

But you want him to help and he isn't so you'll need to ask him. It's either that or play games, don't say a word and become more annoyed 🤷🏼‍♀️

mrsm43s · 04/06/2018 13:06

Well, you're quite determined that he's not unwell or in any pain despite his surgery, crutches and painkillers, so tell him he has to get up if you're really incapable of getting your one child ready for school by yourself.

kitkatsky · 04/06/2018 13:13

Definitely ask him to get up. I had a complex ankle fracture and surgery a couple of years ago and was a single mum to a 4yo. My mum was amazing and took her to school in mornings and I hopped around the corner to pick her up from wraparound care (took me half an hour to do a normal 5 min walk) My mum also helped by doing shopping etc, but when we were at home it was all down to me. My DD was amazing and learnt to carry our plates from kitchen to table and back again, but I did all her care and al the housework I could do. I won't lie, the flat wasn't hoovered for 3 months etc, but we made it work. Your DH could be doing a lot more than he's doing, especially 2 weeks post surgery when the anaesthetic fog has worn off

Allthewaves · 04/06/2018 13:16

Pop all dd clothes in the bed. Wake dd and take her into your room and tell dh to supervise her getting ready. Surely she can have breakfast in school at 8

Ariela · 04/06/2018 13:35

I'd be delegating to your DD that as DH is off with the plaster SHE needs to do this by this time, that by that time etc and you will wake her up. You could write down a timetable of what she needs to do, including getting school bag/making pack lunch the night before.
By school age children do need to learn to take responsibility for getting up getting dressed, making/getting breakfast, brushing teeth etc. IMO.

It also makes life SO much easier when your child is nagging you to leave for the school run!

Original poster

Mintchocmummy · 04/06/2018 13:47

It was to improve the structure of the foot following cartilage damage and bone deterioration from an old fracture. It had been playing up for some time.

He’s very bored at home and has investigated tips for navigating small tasks around the house because he’s so frustrated by the lack of mobility. He knows he’s not unwell and I’m trying encourage him but he’d rather read, watch films, sleep 10 hours a day, than help with the shopping list as I just suggested. I think I’ll have to have that word and deal with the response I get!

Thanks for the useful responses

OP posts:

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