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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder why I had a baby??

99 replies

MissBax · 04/06/2018 00:09

We really struggled to conceive, were awaiting ivf when we finally got pregnant. It was all I'd wished for for 3 desperate years.

Now I feel like I'm at breaking point. I've not slept for more than 2/3 consecutive hours for a year. The constant mess, the groundhog day and sheer repetitiveness of it.
My DD is wonderful, she brings me so much joy and is very easy during the day. But the nights are awful. She has woken every 30 mins since 7pm. I can't settle her, I feel useless.
I always imagined myself having more than one child but this is enough to put me off ever trying for more. Its torture.
How do other people.manage?! Why on
Earth would you have more than one?? I feel like I could just lock myself away for ever right now

OP posts:

IfYouDontImagineNothingHappens · 04/06/2018 13:07

@SweetCheeks1980 don't be bloody ridiculous. What do you think she's doing with the child? You have zero idea

petrolpump28 · 04/06/2018 13:21

Make a note of a typical week then go to the GP and ask for help. Lack of sleep breaks you.

chinesechicken · 04/06/2018 13:58

Please consider sleep training, I did a modified thing where I waited 2 minutes each time before going in, it worked after 2 nights. I now have 3 toddlers who all sleep through. Mine were terrible sleepers and I had to be "cruel" to be kind as they were exhausted from waking hourly.

chinesechicken · 04/06/2018 14:02

Oh and ignore the "As a mother of 7" comment, ffs, some people are just lucky and it's nothing to do with routine or parenting skills as to why they sleep through from 6 weeks old.

i will say, if i was you i wouldn't get into the habit of cosleeping or side-car ing the cot at this age, it's so difficult to break that habit when you've had enough. And the older they get the more upsetting it is.

Really hope this improves for you, sleep deprivation is like torture.

PenguinDuck · 04/06/2018 14:06

My first woke every 1.5 hrs for the first 7 months of his life. I then got a sleep nanny in - best money I ever spent.

My second was a premmie. He was on a feeding plan. To begin with only way to get enough in him was to feed him every 1.5 hrs. They wouldn’t let me home as they said it was unsustainable. When I said I’d done it for 7 months they did not believe me.

PyongyangKipperbang · 04/06/2018 14:13

Oh and ignore the "As a mother of 7" comment, ffs, some people are just lucky and it's nothing to do with routine or parenting skills as to why they sleep through from 6 weeks old.

100%

As a mother of 6 I had 5 great sleepers and 1 nightmare one. All treated the same, all had the bedtime routine, blah blah. Didnt make a blind bit of difference to the fact that she didnt sleep through until she was well over a year old compared to her siblings 3-6 weeks.

GinUnicorn · 04/06/2018 19:53

@FormerlyPickingOakum or anyone else who has recently sleep trained could you let me know who you went with. Think I have to reluctantly try but want to avoid CIO. Thanks

Original poster

MissBax · 05/06/2018 10:15

Thanks everyone, DH is off Friday this week as well as the weekend, so we have had a chat and are going to try a gentle sleep training technique.
Yesterday DD had swimming, and then we went for a meal out afterwards so she went to bed a bit later, and she did sleep 8.30-2.30 before waking for the first time, which is the longest stretch she's ever done. So maybe a later bedtime would help? And more activities during the day to tire her out. It's just a shame the 6 hour stretch wasn't 12-6 so I could have benefited too!

OP posts:

NameChange30 · 05/06/2018 10:52

You should have gone to bed at 9

Seriously with this level of sleep deprivation you need early nights

I was always a night owl but had to adjust

Tit4TatandAllThat · 05/06/2018 10:58

Agree, you should have been asleep yourself at 9. That was what I hated too though, going to bed when baby did but it's the only way.

Original poster

MissBax · 05/06/2018 11:55

If id known I'd get that stretch I definitely would have gone to bed.
Other times I've gone to bed at 9 it just means I'm woken more so is actually more stressful than going to bed a bit later!

OP posts:

Loopytiles · 05/06/2018 11:57

Is your H sharing the night parenting?

Original poster

MissBax · 05/06/2018 12:00

Loopytiles
Admittedly, no, he hasn't been. Mainly because he gets up so early for work and I want him to have had a good night's sleep for work, plus DD seems to only settle with my boob. However, this weekend he has 3 days off, so we're going to use that to night wean DD and get DH doing some more and gentle sleep training.

OP posts:

Loopytiles · 05/06/2018 12:06

I’ve said this on loads of these threads. Unless he has a specific job, eg roofing or dangerous machinery, his need for sleep is no greater than yours. You need to be physically and mentally well to care for yourself and your DC safely.

Take a good look at him and in the mirror. If he is feeling better and more energetic than you, things need to change.

NameChange30 · 05/06/2018 12:11

You could go to bed at 9 and your DH could be on duty until, say, midnight.

That’s what DH and I did for a long time, except that he’d often be on duty until 1 or 2am.

He works from home and recognises that looking after a baby all day on broken sleep is actually harder than his job (and indeed many jobs).

I find it ridiculous how many couples allow the mother to be falling apart with sleep deprivation while the father is getting a full night’s sleep every night.

How does your marriage survive that?! Sleep deprivation is hard enough with inequality and resentment in the mix too!

Ambs81 · 05/06/2018 12:13

Its so bloody tough, my DS slept well for firdt 6 months, was awful for the next 12, and now is great.
Granted he is now 3....
I think its all about taking the rough with the smooth, my little boy was a dream breastfeeder but was terrible to wean and soo picky as a toddler, which he is just starting to come out of now.
BUT there is nothing worse than sleep deprivation!!!
Just remember is really won't last for ever, and try to see everyday as a fresh start - otherwise it starts to define you, and gets you down.

Original poster

MissBax · 05/06/2018 12:16

To be fair to him, on Monday he did try to do more at night, which was one of DD's most wakeful nights in a while. He said on Tuesday that he was concerned about work - he works in healthcare and has patients to look after. It was me that then told him to stay in the spare room after that.

OP posts:

Loopytiles · 05/06/2018 12:21

You both became parents, and you needed to recover from birth, yet you have done almost all the nightcare.

What is the nature of his role? Is he a surgeon? Unless he is doing things that could compromise other’s safety, I still maintain that his sleep is no more important than yours. Millions of parents in health occupations manage to parent at night! How many months in are you now?

You’re going down a self destructive road here, and he is letting you in order to care for himself, which isn’t being a good partner or parent.

Snowysky20009 · 05/06/2018 12:22

Mmmm I was the perfect mother with ds1 as he had routines and slept through the night 7-7 from 2 months.

I failed on ds2 because he rarely slept through the night.

No wait, it wasn't me, it was because they were two different babies!!!

OP I co-slept with ds2, it was the only way he, myself, dp and ds1, could all have a full nights sleep. As we were all struggling with work and school with broken nights. The downside- we struggled to get him into his own bed and stay there.

Only the last 2 years, yes 2 years, has he stopped coming in during the night. He will do if he's unwell- feels sick, has temp etc, but now thankfully sleeps all night. The problem was we were so used to him being in bed, that when he crawled in during the night, neither of us would wake to kick him back out!

FranticallyPeaceful · 05/06/2018 12:24

It’s pretty normal. I’ve never had help and currently on my third (and last) and - again - wondering why I go through this... then I remember! This is just a phase. It goes. I promise it gets better.
I had an over tired newborn last night who was crying none stop for nearly four hours (I was holding him, he had two short five minute naps and fed briefly) and felt like I was going coconuts... and then he slept, and my brain was rational again, and I remembered it’s just a phase.

It’s hard to see when it’s your first but honestly, it will be good.

Babies are sanity destroying shit heads but they’re our sanity destroying shit heads.

Hang in there

Chickpearocker · 05/06/2018 12:26

With regards to your husband my husband is in a medical role and with 2 children we do 50/50 in fact he does more than me I would say. Just wanted to put that out there x

Thebluedog · 05/06/2018 12:27

My memory of lack of sleep is now thankfully a dim and distant memory, but I do remember I had ringing in my ears I was so tired, as you’ve said, it’s torture

I eventually went and did sleep training and it worked. I had 3 nights of hell on earth, tears tantrums, you name it, I even warned my neighbours before I started. But within 3 days we’d cracked it. But a word of warning, never EVER go back on it. They know....

mrsFruitLoops · 05/06/2018 12:40

Why did I have more than 1....Because my dc1 was a dream, so lovely and happy. If my dc2 had been born first she would have been an only child!!!!

dc2 was HARD work. We had a lovely quick birth, that was the end of it. She refused to breastfeed, refused breastmilk from a bottle, refused to be cuddled, she would have to be held at arms length, or sat in a chair to bottle feed her. but she couldnt be put down, she had to be held at arms length while she slept, if you cuddled her in she'd wake and cry!!!
she woke every hour through the night, would take half a hour to get back to sleep, then I'd fall asleep and she'd be awake again in no time.

at 12 months her sleeping was so bad that she would scream as soon as she saw her cot. so one day we took the sides off the cot and made it into a bed, and it was like a switch!! she suddenly liked her bed and actually only woke up once in the night. though I woke more to check she was ok.

It does get easier. shes 6 now and loves cuddles and is so happy.

andthislittlepiggywent1 · 05/06/2018 12:40

**Unless he has a specific job, eg roofing or dangerous machinery, his need for sleep is no greater than yours. You need to be physically and mentally well to care for yourself and your DC safely.

Strongly agree with this. As a single mother who works in an office, I worry about screwing up at work because of sleep deprivation but I worry even more about screwing up when I'm in sole charge of a small child, because the potential consequences are even worse. I'd rather circulate a memo with an error than fail to strap DD into her car seat properly, or forget to shut a stair gate, or (when she was littler) accidentally nod off on the sofa with her on my lap.

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