To wonder why I had a baby??

[MissBax]

We really struggled to conceive, were awaiting ivf when we finally got pregnant. It was all I'd wished for for 3 desperate years.

Now I feel like I'm at breaking point. I've not slept for more than 2/3 consecutive hours for a year. The constant mess, the groundhog day and sheer repetitiveness of it.
My DD is wonderful, she brings me so much joy and is very easy during the day. But the nights are awful. She has woken every 30 mins since 7pm. I can't settle her, I feel useless.
I always imagined myself having more than one child but this is enough to put me off ever trying for more. Its torture.
How do other people.manage?! Why on
Earth would you have more than one?? I feel like I could just lock myself away for ever right now

That sounds so hard does your husband go to bed earlier than you, if so could doing 'shifts' once you have to go back to work help? It doesn't solve the problem but it definitely needs to be evened out once you return to work. Is your baby going to nursery/child minders? My friend who had a bad sleeper found nursery changed babies sleeping habits.

My son was a bad sleeper but not to the extent you've described. He still wakes up most nights at 10pm and 4am, we have to give him more milk, he's two now and it seems to getting easier. He gets low sugars after periods of fasting (it's called ketotic hypoglycaemia). Does giving your baby more milk help at all? Could it be a similar reason? I'm sure you have tried everything.

Sleep training. Controlled crying literally saved my life. I am not exaggerating when I say I was suicidal from lack of sleep and DS was utterly miserable as he was so tired.

We tried all the gentle methods and none of them worked. CC worked in 3 nights and he was like a different child. And he still sleeps through consistently now, aged 2.5.

I'm still not sure I want another one though!!! I think there is lots to be said for having an only child, though plenty of people try to make you feel guilty about it.

Hey OP. I totally get how you are feeling.
My DS has been an awful sleeper and I bloody tried EVERYTHING...from co sleeping to sleep training. He slept better in his own room but still woke regularly..I was struggling to cope and had so much judgment thrown at me from family members..like it was my fault..He is 2 now and SO MUCH better..He still wakes once or twice but he also sleeps through..In fact he only woke ONCE the last four nights..

Last year though he would be up 4-5 times and start the day at 5am..Nowadays he sleeps till 7 or 8..
I can see how when they start sleeping and things get easier you start thinking how nice it would be to have another one..I'm only JUST out of the worst and cought myself considering a second..Then I really remember how it was and how I can't imagine going through that again(or it could be even worse!)...DS will be an only child.

YANBU and you are not alone

My son is 14 months old and has been a terrible sleeper for most of his life so far, and I have often felt much the same as you

I was very anti sleep training but we did it because we couldn’t carry on, it was for DS as much as us because he was so overtired and frankly it was also affecting our ability to be the parents we want to be during the day.

I’ve read a lot of sleep books and online advice. I recommend the website www.babysleepscience.com which has very useful blog articles (free) and the Huckleberry app which you can use to submit sleep logs and get recommendations (free app but there is a fee if you want the recommendations).

I wouldn’t use a sleep consultant as I think they are a waste of money, if you do use one make sure you get a recommendation or three.

Oh and do make sure you have ruled out medical issues such as CMPA or other allergies, reflux, etc etc.

@boredandtired it wasn't meant to be patronising; just that babies need a routine.
If I was the op I'd practising a routine and start controlled crying tonight.

My twins were awful sleepers. They would often tagteam us and there would be nights where there was no point where they were both asleep at the same time. I couldn’t physically do CC, whenever they cried I felt physically panicked and I couldn’t leave them to cry. They had a tough start in nicu and I was already concerned about damage caused by that and didn’t want to exacerbate it. Then one day it just got better - nothing I did, it just changed. Admittedly they were 15 or 16 months old and I was a wreck, but they figured it out on their own just as so many people had told me they would. They’re now 20 months old and there are 0-2 wake ups per night. I’ve already forgotten how hideous it was to be honest.

DS occasionally sleeps through at 20 months but is up once or twice more often than not for up to 2 hours at a time. I’m pregnant with DC2 and so exhausted it hurts. I’ve been back at work since he was 9 months and we’ve tried pretty much everything here. He gets lots of exercise in the day, then bedtime routine of dinner, bath, books, cot, lights out then I need to sit there until he goes to sleep - can take up to 90 minutes, never less than 30. If I try to leave or move away he stands up at the side of the cot and screams until he starts to gag - I’m not willing to leave him in that much distress. Same thing typically happens at least once or twice overnight, DH theoretically does every other night but the crying usually wakes me anyway and if DS is awake for long DH gives up and come to get me.
We have tried literally everything mentioned here apart from paying a sleep consultant. Sleeping with one of my t-shirts, swaddling when he was little, white noise, silence, warmer, colder, sleeping bag, blankets, night light, total darkness, earlier bedtime, later bedtime, shorter nap, longer nap, co-sleeping (he squirms so much I don’t sleep anyway and wants to lie right on top of me), leaving him a while to settle himself (occasiyhe sorts himself out but if he doesn’t crying builds to screaming and then total hysteria, which then takes longer to settle), nightweaning. I’m sorry OP, if I had an answer I’d let you know but some babies just don’t sleep. I frequently end up in exhausted tears regretting this second pregnancy, I have no idea how I will cope with a newborn and DS1.

I think that some babies need a routine. Mine did. I certainly don't think all babies do.

I'm one of five. I was a shit sleeper, my two sisters were brilliant sleepers, my younger sister was a shit sleeper and my brother was a brilliant sleeper. It's random.

I really second everyone who suggests sleep training. Babies do not necessarily “fall into” a great idea sleep-wake cycle without being trained to do so.

We have just done our first few days of sleep training at 8 and a half months, op.

We had to do something. Both DH and I were on our knees with deep fatigue, exacerbated by the fact dd just didn't nap during the day either. I was getting worried that she wasn't getting anywhere near the amount of sleep she needed, and I'd got to the point where I was making really basic mistakes and it frightened me.

I'm pretty shocked at how much the sleep training has changed our normal day. Dd now has two naps a day of more than an hour and sleeps 7pm to 6am with just a dream feed at 9.30pm and a wake up for water at around 2am.

I now have the ability to plan the day. It's given us a structure to work with. For example, I now know that if I wake with dd at 6am and still feel tired, I can have a nap in three hours time when she has hers (and I know she will be asleep in her cot where she is safe).

All we had to do was cope with her crying for about ten minutes the first time we did it, and then her crying when we put her down in her cot in our room for about four minutes now. It rips my heart in two to hear her cry, but the fact that she then just falls deeply asleep for an hour or more for naps and sleeps deeply for eleven hours at night with just one wake up has made me realise she must have been utterly knackered most of the time.

I now suspect this over-tiredness was the reason she was delayed in developing a key skill.

It's made me realise what parenting is really. It's not #makingmemories or #feelingblessed; it's about making uncomfortable and often painful decisions for the medium and long term benefit of a little person who doesn't understand why you are doing something that they don't like.

And when it comes to babies crying, I just thought, well, we took her for her jabs at six weeks old where someone stuck three needles in her legs. Dd was inconsolable for over an hour afterwards. And we did that because it was in her best interests.

Sleep training is in her best interests now and only involves four minutes crying at this point.

What's the difference between the two? Really?

I felt this way after dd1 although I got pregnant the first drunken night of trying. But OMG did the sleep deprivation and lack of support (family on the other side of the world) nearly do me in.

Then we did it again with dd2 and I can see now that dd1 was what you'd consider an easy baby/child! I'm definitely done and just try to think what does't kill you makes you stronger (and after each stage that sucks, thank fuck that that one's done)]

I did sleep training (CC) when I crashed the car through tiredness with my first. No regrets, she was a great sleeper after about two days of howling. Also napped well. I calculated that she was moaning/crying more when not doing controlled crying over a longer period so it was better to get it over and done with. My other one just learned naturally to sleep through so not all babies are the same.

I just couldn't work with a waking every hour or two baby, nor drive as it turned out. Once they are over 6 months and eating well in the day, I think it's fine to sort the nights out but if you can't face CC, then gradual withdrawal methods would probably work. I wouldn't co sleep myself once back working but that's a personal preference as I find it really hard to sleep.

Sleep deprivation is hell - there’s a reason it’s a form of torture. My DS2 was like your DD OP. It was so bad it really affected my relationship with DH and my job - I was ratty all the time and couldn’t focus. DS was also ratty all the time too as he was exhausted.

We hired a sleep consultant which was genuinely life changing. I resisted for a long time because I thought she would tell me to just let him cry it out (which I wouldn’t do), but it wasn’t like that. It was more pick-up, cuddle, put down, leave room, wait until crying for 40 seconds - I think the first night we did it 73 times. She also looked at routine, diet etc to make sure there were no underlying reasons for him waking up.

If you have the money to spare it’s well worth it.

DS is 6 now and sleeps like a log.

@MissBax if your little one is teething they are going to be in some pain and are likely waking from it!! Have you tried giving ibuprofen when they wake? It's the only thing that helps my DD when her teeth are coming through

My DD1 didn't sleep through the night until she was 4. I couldn't have even contemplated having another and I went through every single week in a complete haze. We did eventually have DD2 though, who slept through from 8 weeks. What a huge difference a good night's sleep makes.

It will get better but in the meantime only do as much as you feel physically and mentally able to do. You don't have to do baby groups if you don't feel like it and the household tasks can wait, or be left. Drink lots of comforting hot drinks and when the baby naps, put your feet up for a bit and watch some TV/read a book ( I could never "sleep when baby sleeps" because I knew I would go in to a deep sleep and feel even more groggy when woken prematurely, but I did aim to relax during that time).

In other words - don't put pressure on yourself to do anything you're too tired to do. You are rightfully knackered.

I didn't have another! Mine woke every 40 mins all night every night until she was 18 months old. I tried every sleep training idea in the book. Eventually one night I just cracked. I'd had enough and I put her in her toddler bed (she had started climbing out of her cot) and closed the door to her bedroom whilst she screamed. I hadn't realised she couldn't open the door from her side until then. I sat outside and sobbed quietly whilst she screamed inside. 90 minutes of hell until she finally climbed into her bed and went to sleep. I always went in to her in the night and gave her a sip of water but then I put her back to bed and closed the door. The second scream-athon was 40 mins. Within 3 days she was down to 10 mins screaming at first bedtime and was only waking 3 times in the night and not screaming at all then. Within 1 week no more screaming - she'd lie in bed and chat to her dollies for a few minutes and then go to sleep. She still woke at 2am and 4am until she was over 2 years old but they were quick wakings and straight back to sleep. Sleep blessed sleep - it is wonderful stuff.

We were intending to have another child but decided the risk of another non-sleeper was too great. She is 7 now and is still not the best sleeper but she does go to bed in her own bed and sleep through the night most nights. Now the dog is waking me up early!!!!!!!!

She used to wake every 40 mins due to her reflux. However by 12 months she was off her meds and her reflux was better - by then it had become a habit. We had tried co-sleeping, gradual retreat, pat-shush, controlled crying, white noise, etc... What she wanted was to be rocked to sleep and sleep on my lap. The only way to get her into bed in the first place was for me to sit with her on my lap until she dropped off and then try to "sneak" her into bed. This often took repeated attempts and until 10pm. she only ever napped in the car. We couldn't get her to drop off in the car and then sneak her into bed (tried it!) I was working full time. It was awful. You have my complete sympathy!

I also second the baby neurofen suggestion for the teething (if you're not using it already), along with a bit of dentinox gel on her gums.

My DD2, who is a brilliant sleeper, wakes in the night when teething and will cry to come into my bed for a bit of extra comfort.

You will manage when you go back to work. You might find that being busy with work tasks takes your mind off the tiredness in a way that being at home with the baby doesn't - that's what I found. Plus it was refreshing to do things to your own schedule, not working around the needs of the baby.

It is hard but it gets easier, some parents prefer the toddler and older phase.

If it is any consolation My DD was a terrible sleeper, still is aged 9 she was a lovely baby just did not need much sleep. DS on the other hand slept through from 9weeks but he was is a grumpy wee thing when he was awake.

Keep the faith it will get easier, even if it means co sleeping

At this age I would definitely to be considering sleep training. I believe babies need to be taught to sleep as they are taught to eat 3 X meals a day and eventually potty trained. It will also be better for the child to get better quality sleep. My friend had a similar baby - prepared herself for 7 nights of super nanny sleep training and it took 2. Try it for both you & your daughter's sake. Good luck.

@FormerlyPickingOakum

“It's made me realise what parenting is really. It's not #makingmemories or #feelingblessed; it's about making uncomfortable and often painful decisions for the medium and long term benefit of a little person who doesn't understand why you are doing something that they don't like.”

“And when it comes to babies crying, I just thought, well, we took her for her jabs at six weeks old where someone stuck three needles in her legs. Dd was inconsolable for over an hour afterwards. And we did that because it was in her best interests.”

THIS. Very well said!

I hate the crying. I can’t stand it. It goes against all my instincts. But I eventually realised that I would have to be strong for everyone’s sake.

Bed sharing was the easiest thing for our first. She slept brilliantly cut could have just been luck. Didn’t experience being at home with our younger when she was newborn to eight months. But at Alamo’s three and her feeding regime I am very sleep deprived and can’t stand waking up some days. I think we have an idea of parenthood in our heads and when that expectation doesn’t appear we take it really hard. I’m trying for a third though so it can’t be all bad lol once you come out of the tiredness which feels like forever at the time, it gets slightly easier and then a lot harder. Try and get some rest if possible. Even leave her to cry if need be just to get your head showered. As long as she is safe, crying won’t hurt her for a few minutes.

My DD1 (now aged 9) has always slept through since she came to us aged 1, it's always been hard to get her into bed, but once she got to sleep she would stay asleep. DD2 (aged 6, she's DD1's full birth sister) also came to us aged 1. She's always had issues with sleep, and goes through phases of waking up in the night. She also woke up at 5am for over a year, up to the age of 3). She also comes into our bedroom some nights, though this is improving now.

I know what you mean about feeling guilty about complaining now you have that longed for child. Having fought so hard to get through the adoption process, I feel really bad when I sometimes want to run away from it all. (Particularly when DD1 is having her violent meltdowns.)

Parenthood is hard. You're allowed to feel exhausted and stressed, and yes you're allowed to complain.

I feel your pain Op. Here for solidarity!

Would it be possible to sidecar the cot?

@Sweetcheeks1980 yes it is patronising. Very.
To assume that she hasn’t tried something as blindingly obvious as “routine” is beyond patronising.