MIL & Infertility

[ChangeMyNameChaaangeMyName]

I don’t want to drip feed here or waffle on unnecessarily.

DH and I have been trying to get pregnant for 5 years. I have PCOS and we have tried every drug under the sun. I continue now on Letrozole until our next IVF cycle in June. I’ve had pills, injections, invasive surgery, you name it.

MIL hasn’t been supportive. I give her plenty of opportunity to be involved but it just hasn’t affected her life in the same way it has my family and parents who feel it just as much as we do. I don’t dwell on this. It is what it is.

I feel like I am living a nightmare but somehow we just plod on, stay above water and continue to work and, if I do say so myself, do well at work. Our lives feel on hold but I have no ability or inclination to do spontaneous things.

MIL phoned DH out of the blue tonight to tell him about a “fertility service” (her words) near her. Checked out website. Crap I’m my opinion. Herbs and positive talk. No offence to anyone who is into this. This will not get me pregnant.

I need to be told if I am being U here because my blood is boiling. I feel like she makes no effort to understand my complex health conditions which are preventing me from getting pregnant. I had a miscarriage in January and she texted to say “strengthen your determination”. Never checked after to see how I was doing. This occurred to me a
Moment ago. I just feel that all her comments suggest that I am to blame and that I need to change my mindset.

I am an extremely positive person and this has infuriated me in a way I can’t describe. Please talk some sense into me. I am THIS close to losing my shit with DH over it and it isn’t the poor sod’s fault!

I am infertile too (IVF Unikely to work) and people don’t ever say the right thing and I believe it’s hard for them too. I’m 10 years away from finding out so not ‘in it’ like you so maybe this is too objective.

They just don’t know what to say.

We don’t need to talk sense into you op you clearly are sensible.

Your mil is an idiot. So sorry you are going through this. Tell your dh to act as a brick wall between you and his mother and protect you from this crap.

Ignore and don’t engage with her.

You mil is behaving insensitively, but lots of people who’ve not had fertility problems totally lack empathy for those of us who have.

When I finally got pregnant after IVF, a woman I worked with tried to give me a sort of ‘power of positive thinking’ type book, and told me I probably hadn’t conceived naturally because I hadn’t been optimistic enough.

People who don’t know, usually don’t get it.

Sorry if this makes you more angry, but, could you be venting all of your frustration and anger at this awful awful situation, at your MIL?

Trying and failing to get pregnant is so painful. If you haven't been through it yourself, I think it can be really hard to understand quite how horrendous it is. In my experience, people also have no idea how to talk to you about it.

You have enough stress in your life, don't waste your energy on your MIL. Try and let it flow over you - sorry, that sounds wanky, but you know what I mean. Although she sounds insensitive, at least her suggestion shows she is thinking of you and wants to help, even though it's actually not a very helpful suggestion.

Sending you huge hugs.

There was a really similar thread to this recently OP. The poster felt her MIL wasn't showing sympathy in her texts, and offered advice they felt was rubbish.

In the gentlest way i'd agree with the majority on that thread - MIL is not equipped to say the right thing. She's thinking of you, with the 'fertility service' advice, but she's permanently got her foot in her mouth for you.

Your own family sound a wonderful support. I hope your DP feels supported by them too. I expect he wishes his own mum was better at saying the right thing.

We never had children despite invasive and embarrassing tests for ages.
A woman at work would ask every month "No little ones yet" Well obviously not i used to think She saw me every week !!
Years later after we had both left and worked elsewhere I got the same old question.
This particular time i nearly lost my rag with her.She asked as usual and I couldn't help it "Well it would be a bloody miracle wouldn't it ...I am 60 ?
Yes people get it wrong so often.
I feel for you OP.
Good luck for the future

I’m struggling with fertility issues, so I do sympathise. If you have a lot of stress it can impact on the success of IVF. I’m sure you’re aware with PCOS diet is important part - keeping weight under control as well as low carb. They found that women who ate avocados for example had three times the success rate with IVF and women who drank something like 5 cups of coffee a day, decreased their chances. So diet does have an impact. As well as trying to not be so stressed, I have been losing weight and changed my diet including herbs and vitamins, I’m trying hypnosis. Funny enough a lot of women on a subconcious level ( so not consciously aware) have blocks to having children. For example I was in a previous long term relationship where my ex did not want children. So I had to convince myself I could be happy not wanting them. Just because on a conscious level, I’m desperate for babies, doesn’t mean that old pattern isn’t still playing in my subconcious. I really don’t think your MIL means any harm. I just think this is a very sensitive emotive topic. DH was talking to someone about health issues at work and one of the websites was an alternative practioner where it was all babies and fertility. Well I went off on one, you told them that we are having infertility issues. Actually he didn’t. But I have kept so private about it. DH family ask about us having kids and there is no way I’m telling them our struggles as they aren’t supportive. It’s painful, there is an illogical shame, why can’t you have kids when other people just pop them out without effort. It’s tough. However, I honestly don’t believe IVF and drugs is the complete answer. If it were, the success rates wouldn’t be so low.

Funny enough a lot of women on a subconcious level ( so not consciously aware) have blocks to having children.

Like what?

The only blocks for me are due to endometriosis. Positive thinking, herbs and avocados won’t sort that out

Op the infertility board has great support from people who get it.

Google is your friend but then you have already identified your cause. I was talking more about unexplained fertility.

Don’t roll your eyes and be so dismissive because I haven’t personally addressed your issue with endometriosis. You’re not the one who started this thread. So no need for you to come on here in a huff being so damn rude!

I’m sure for those having IVF who have looked at the research, it shows the links with stress and nutrition. Of course not in your case love.

And yeah, obviously despite having infertility and doing a lot of research into it.. I don’t get it... unlike you....

Pinkroses18 that’s a shitty reply. What you posted may have been well meaning but it’s terribly crass.

Wow that got out if hand a bit quickly.

OP it is a bloody nightmare you somehow live through. I'd agree with others who have said that people just don't know what to say. I guess at least she's trying to suggest something even if it's a long way from what you feel you want and need.
and

Do we (females in general) need the contraceptive pill when good ole fashioned negative thinking will suffice. .

My Mil makes snarky comments like " why don't i have grandchildren yet xyz across the road has 4 of them" " i wish you'd just hurry up and have kids already why are you waiting around for so long" "if you loved me you'd have given me grandchildren by now"
We're NC with her recently because of this but we get it from other people not just her feel like screaming that we are trying to have children but its not working but we can't as its seen as such a taboo subject to even talk about with your family and friends let alone get support for it

And yeah, obviously despite having infertility and doing a lot of research into it.. I don’t get it... unlike you....

My medical degree would suggest I know more about this than you do.

People coming on this sort of thread and spouting unscientific bullshit like women have “subconscious blocks” stopping them from conceiving really piss me off. It’s unhelpful and unkind. I’m surprised that you don’t get that.

Its such a hard situation OP. From my experience of dealing with an upsetting issue with some people all you can do is avoid the issue. They just keep coming out with stupid hurtful things to say and when you talk to them about it just dont get it. Our dd is very disabled. My father has totally inappropriate insensitive nonsense to say about it. Hes a childrens surgeon but has seen fit to go on at me about refrigerator mothers, positive thinking, and herbs.

And saying to someone with infertility problems that they have a mental block stopping them from conceiving is so fucked up. You should be ashamed of yourself. I and plenty of other women on the infertility boards want a child more than anything and there's definitely no mental block stopping us

My medical degree would suggest I know more about this than you do.

Not only rude but arrogantly presumptious as well. I’m glad you’re the only one that can read research papers... well if I piss you off, then Dr Christiane Northrup who says the same thing, would really piss you off. Same as hypnotherapist Marissa Peer who works with fertility clinics and has helped a lot of her clients conceive. But of course, you know much much more then they do....

And saying to someone with infertility problems that they have a mental block stopping them from conceiving is so fucked up. You should be ashamed of yourself. I and plenty of other women on the infertility boards want a child more than anything and there's definitely no mental block stopping us hmm

I didn’t specifically say the OP had mental blocks. I was talking about her PCOS and diet actually does play a part. I then got sidetracked thinking about my own unexplained fertility hence the other comments.
And to clarify I don’t mean every woman with unexplained fertility. I’m talking about some do, as in the ones that have no issue saying they do. I shouldn’t have mentioned it because it’s not an easy concept to grasp without an understanding of hypnosis and the workings of the subconcious mind. It’s actually not as nasty a comment as you would like to think. And it’s quite clear the OP has a cause ...PCOS, so no I wasn’t be offensive to her in the slightest.

Pink, studies aren't statistically valid unless they've been done with a large sample - 1,000 is the usual benchmark. The avocados study, and a lot of other IVF related ones use far fewer participants and aren't reliable. There are studies that show stress actually increases the chance of IVF being successful too.

OP, I think you're looking for something your mother in law cant give. I'd cut down on what you tell her and focus on your own family. It can really hurt when people aren't as supportive as you think they should be, but you can't fix them. Good luck and I hope it all works out.

Your husband needs to tell her how insensitive she is being, or better still you tell her, she isn't getting your situation at all because she hasn't been through it, it's insensitive to send a test like that when you've just had a MC who does she think she is?... Have a talk with your husband about how she's making you feel added stress is not helpful and if this is all she's doing tell her to keep her head low for a bit and think before she talks. Good luck OP

Same boat as you OP for almost 14yrs. I started a ketogenic diet and took up running and within 12 months my whole body seemed to have 'reset' and my pcos basically vanished. My hormone levels went back to normal instead of the 1:2 ratio or whatever it is, after a decade!! and my GP was astounded. She now advises it (off the books) to long term ttc couples when they are referred through her for fertility treatment at our local hospital.

My little boy is now 1yr old.

I know exactly how shit it is to be told 'have you tried this, have you done that' because you feel like you have/are doing everything and anything. I put up with it for a decade. But if you haven't tried it give it a go.

I'm part of a 'mum group' online and there are approx 140 of us. Around 60% of us have 'keto' babies and experienced the same with their PCOS. The figures are that high.

Thanks everyone.

That’s the thing - I totally agree with the diet-related PCOS stuff and my fertility specialist advocates this too. But that is science based, isnt It? I am actually a size 10 and very rarely eat carbs. I eat a pretty faultless diet which is mainly plant based with quite a bit of lean protein and fish. I juice, exercise, you name it. I don’t dispute this at all.

This isn’t what I’m irked by. It’s the fact that I suspect that so many people are thinking (often those with kids) that somehow I’m “doing something wrong”. Because how hard can it be to get pregnant? They didn’t have any trouble so I MUST be negative. I also think it’s bollocks that somehow we are preventing it by blocking our channels or some such bollocks.

I want a baby more than anything. I am ready for a baby, I have a secret stash of baby products and clothes. The nursery is empty and waiting. I am in a happy, committed relationship and have so much to offer a baby. Despite the agonising pain of waiting for years and years we still laugh every day. I am NOT preventing this from happening.

Imagine if I suggested to someone with depression or cancer that they need to see a “healer” and all will be well.

Infertility isn't a mental health issue. No one would say to someone with, say, psoriasis that they just need to relax and think positively and it will get better.

AFAIK there isn't a scrap of independent peer reviewed research that proves a link between stress and long term infertility.

Exactly!

I think those that aren't going through something like infertility will fall into two camps; those who try to understand and empathise, and those who won't/can't. Sadly the latter tend to say the wrong thing and NOT CARE that they've been thoughtless or misread the situation. Those who do empathise may still say the wrong thing but will care enough to say it carefully and with cinsideration.

It sounds as though your MIL is not really understanding, and that may be for many reasons.