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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to end things, or do I give him his space?

36 replies

theothersweretaken · 03/06/2018 19:15

Posting for traffic as I'm feeling really down tonight about this.

To put it in short, my partner seems to run away at the first sign of change or conflict. It's happened when he moved back in with his parents over a year ago (we don't live together, have been together 2.5 years), and it's happened again now that I'm moving into my own place, which actually happens to be closer to him than I am now. We haven't argued about it, but on both occasions he's said he's scared that it won't work out/the change will be difficult and tried to end the relationship. Last time this happened, we seemed to get past it (which meant I effectively ignored what had happened and allowed him back into my life without any explanation of why he acted so weird about things), and we actually went on to have a year of pure bliss.

It was about 2 weeks ago when it happened again. This time, he's called time on the relationship and said he thinks he needs at least a month or two to think about if he can deal with the 'pressure' of me moving, starting working full time (he's only ever known me to work part time and therefore I've been there to answer the phone or see him whenever he bloody asks), and whether this is what he really wants. I was really hurt and taken aback but I've agreed, so I guess right now I'm effectively single but I still find myself tearing up and hoping he comes back every day.

I know some of you might say that there's an underlying reason why he can't deal with change, or can't be with me anymore, and I'm open to those suggestions. I'm just wondering if I should put up with this nonsense, or should I 'man up' and leave him for good? I love him so much but the more this happens the more I wonder if he's got emotional issues and I should try to move on - but that'd be really painful because in every other aspect, our relationship is/was great.

OP posts:
LEMtheoriginal · 03/06/2018 19:18

Honestly - do you really want to spend the next few years dancing to his time for fear he'll "need space" again? Fuck that

Caselgarcia · 03/06/2018 19:24

But you are the one dealing with the change not him? He's not moving or changing jobs. What is his problem? Sounds a bit odd to me

Original poster
theothersweretaken · 03/06/2018 19:31

Thanks ladies.. That's my issue, that it's not even him that's going through these changes, it's me. But he is a quiet type, and has said in the past he's been anxious at me leaving him etc, so I almost understood when he said he was afraid these new changes would make things different and therefore he's scared. It's never been a massive issue until now, but I guess I don't want to put up with this forever, each time a change happens. :( I feel like shit because everything was fine and he just came out with this, at a stressful time in MY life, with the move and new job and everything going on.

OP posts:
StepCatsmother · 03/06/2018 19:40

Disclaimer: I may be projecting, as my ex-husband was like this.

The risk of staying with someone like this is you will end up feeling like everything is about them. You will feel unsupported because when you go through difficult things, they can only deal with how it makes them feel and they don't have the capacity to offer reassurance and/or practical support.

If you are happy with a life where you have to deal with all his problems and all your own, then that's fine but I'm not sure he sounds ready for a mutually supportive partnership. Do you want someone whose response to change is to 'dump' you and leave you to deal with it alone?

In your shoes, I would give him space. Not only to see how he responds, but also (and probably more importantly) to see how you feel and to evaluate what you want. You never know, when he wakes up and decides he was wrong to dump you, you may not want him back.

mavismcruet · 03/06/2018 19:44

He sounds dreadful! You are going through 2 big changes and he has basically dumped you because it’s too much pressure for him? Wow, what a snowflake/arsehole.

What would happen if something serious happened - you get ill, you have s bereavement, you lose your job etc. I’m not saying these things will happen but the beauty of a good relationship is that your oh supports you through the good and the bad. He is a fair weather boyfriend who seems to ditch you at your lowest points.

Maelstrop · 03/06/2018 19:44

Does he have anxiety or is on the scale? Why is he reacting so poorly to changes YOU are undergoing? How would he react to moving in together, having children, moving job, town, a wedding? Run away? Again?!

FASH84 · 03/06/2018 19:46

Get out now, can you imagine living with him? Or having kids with him? He'd freak out over every little thing and all of the responsibility would be left to to, as well as the burden of mollifying him. He can't cope with you moving closer to him and working full time? What else won't be cope with, you going out without him? Having friends of your own? It's a slippery slope OP

mimibunz · 03/06/2018 19:50

Red flags all over the place with this one. Ugh. What will he be like when life happens to HIM? This man can’t actually be a partner to you. He’s too busy freaking out over you having a full time job....whatever. Maybe he wants to take a break so he can have a fling with another woman.

Original poster
theothersweretaken · 03/06/2018 19:54

It's really freeing to have advice that's synonymous with what I've been thinking! Thank you ladies. I have a background in psychology and I think that makes me super lenient when I see someone acting weird, as I always assume there's some kind of underlying reason.
What would you suggest I do next then, just not speak to him and effectively give him his wish of space, then when he finally returns I talk to him about it? Or call him/get hold of him and end it for good? It's gonna really hurt, I'm already struggling giving him his space and it's been a week since 'the conversation', lol. :(

OP posts:
lifebegins50 · 03/06/2018 19:59

How old is he? Can you really be with a man who can't handle change..life is about change.

He might be emotionally avoidant, so push/pull

Original poster
theothersweretaken · 03/06/2018 20:14

We're 22, so I know that's quite young! I didn't want to include that in the original post as I didn't want people to chalk it down to his age - I think he's big and clever enough to know how to handle his emotions Hmm Blush

OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 03/06/2018 20:23

You're 22!!!!

Had you said you were in your 40s or 50s I would have asked if he was 'convenient' in other ways, like he wasn't always in your space, great friend, knockout sex.

But you're 22! What about all the other changes life includes, like kids, holidays, relocating, a wedding, living together etc.

Will you really allow him to dictate how you choose to do/not do all of those things?

Somewhere out there is someone else who won't make your life so complicated. Chalk him up to experience, a practice, and move on. A relationship is supposed to bring you joy, add something to your life. Not stifle it!

And I say that as someone who has been with her DH since she was 19 and will soon be 53. We had problems, but we didn't have those sorts of brick wall issues.

19lottie82 · 03/06/2018 20:26

Oh Christ. Just ditch this controlling weirdo and get on with your life. Seriously. You’ll loook back I’m 5 years and wonder what the hell you were ever thinking.

ShweShwe · 03/06/2018 20:29

YANBU. leave him.

Ps. Not everyone here is a “ladies”

ChestOfFields · 03/06/2018 20:29

My ex was like this, everyone was entitled to his opinion!

He was no support after our DC as he 'didn't believe in depression while at the same time saying there must be something wrong with me as I didn't just cheer up!

Another ex left when no told him I had cancer, it was just too much for him to cope with!

It is hell living with someone like that OP, trying to pretend everything is ok so as not to
'Set him off'

Original poster
theothersweretaken · 03/06/2018 20:34

@ShweShwe, sorry - I'm new to mumsnet!

@ChestOfFields - I'm sorry you went through that, that sounds awful. Unfortunately I can half see these things coming out of my man's mouth one day. Not sure if I'm being dramatic or not but I wouldn't be surprised at this rate :(

OP posts:
Dsc1907 · 03/06/2018 20:35

He sounds controlling. Each time he pulls this on you and you go back to him he knows he can get away with even more without any risk of you walking away. It's a way of tightening the noose.

Sounds more like he's trying to reassert the control he's losing by virtue of the fact you'll be working full time and no longer at his beck and call.

Don't hang around waiting for him to decide you're worth his time - inform him now it's over.

You deserve somebody who will treat you properly. He isn't. He won't.

Rainbowqueeen · 03/06/2018 20:42

Just call him and end it. Then block and move on with your life

Too many red flags. Think about all the opportunities you are missing out on while you waste your time on this guy.

LizzieLongToes · 03/06/2018 20:44

Embrace your freedom and enjoy your new life, home etc. You never know what may happen. I think you may outgrow his insecurities and childish behaviour.

lastnightidreamtofpotatoes · 03/06/2018 20:51

OP continue at your own risk and you will eventually be anxiety ridden at every turn and change in fear of his reaction.

My DH was like this and needed support whilst my grandparent died, whilst I was in labour and when I gave birth. He needed propped up at every tiny change and any unexpected blip would send him off to bed.
When we had dc with SN again he couldn't cope, felt I wasn't 'appreciating how hard it was for him' Hmm and needed space as 'he was not prepared for this life'.

RUN OP and don't look back.

LanaorAna2 · 03/06/2018 21:00

There are two reasons for his neurotic behaviour; either he's disturbed, genuinely, by day-to-day life changes, in which case he needs a psychiatrist; or he's acting up to control you in which case he is a narcissist and needs, but won't see, a psychiatrist.

Either way, he's not capable of having relationships, so get out. Do not take him back without proper, medical psych treatment, or you'll end up needing it more than he does.

Aquamarine1029 · 03/06/2018 21:07

Please stop wasting your youth on this train wreck of relationship. It is a total waste of your time.

Abouttime1978 · 03/06/2018 21:13

Leave now.

This is the easy bit of any long term relationship, the bit where you have no responsibilities and are just getting to know each other.

If it's this stressful now it won't get any better and will likely get worse when you come up against actual problems xx

Furx · 03/06/2018 21:21

Good grief. Get out.

What the hell is he going to be like when something REALLY stressful happens?

Death, serious illness, money problems?

You’re going to spend all your energy shielding him from the big bad world and will NEVER get any kind of support, it will be 10x worse than being on your own. Every problem you encounter in life will be All About Him.

Original poster
theothersweretaken · 03/06/2018 21:36

Thank you everyone.. I was not expecting the responses to be so "get out of there NOW!" but it's definitely opened my eyes. I can't imagine being the one to end it, I've always adored him, but I think it's right to at least give him the ultimatum! Thanks for the support x

OP posts: