Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Colleague kissed me

100 replies

Shwap · 03/06/2018 19:05

I have a dh with a baby and the colleague has a girlfriend with no kids. I have strictly a professional relationship with all my colleagues and I’m friends with a few of the female colleagues and go out for drinks now and then but that’s really it.

On wednesday last week night me and the male colleague had to work late (I had amends to do and he had to finish off an email) nobody else was there apart from a few other people in the next block I think. He came over to me almost out of the blue from his desk to show me some articles he had read and joking about it, I just laughed and then he took a chair and sat next to me which I thought was quite weird (I was still trying to finish off the amends) he then said how beautiful he thought I was which I was started to get really uncomfortable and thought he was possibly drunk. Then he kissed me and I immediately pushed him off of me saying asked him what he was doing. I was in utter shock as we rarely ever speak and I have never thought of him as anything more than just a “guy from work” and I thought he thought the same of me but I was quite obviously wrong.

I got my bags within a flash and left and the next few days at work he has downright avoided me at all costs which led me to think that he was probably drunk and regrets what he did, rightfully so.

Would I be unreasonable to bring it up to our boss or just leave it as a drunken mistake?

OP posts:
Cheerymom · 04/06/2018 01:37

Since when is trying to kiss someone sexual assault? he tried it on and failed and is now mortified. To all the posters saying it was sexual abuse, seriously? You do not suggest you felt threatened or in any way obliged by force. Uncomfortable for sure and that is not nice but someone trying to kiss yours not a crime. Personally I would cover myself by telling people.

MmeButtox · 04/06/2018 01:40

Sounds like academia to me :p

ThistleAmore · 04/06/2018 01:43

If somebody touches you in an intimate way without your consent or invitation, then YES, IT IS SEXUAL ASSAULT.

OP, report him (although I really, really want to know what it is that you do that he might have been drunk at work while working late. That baffles me).

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/06/2018 01:44

Since when is trying to kiss someone sexual assault?

Since forever. She didn't flirt, she didn't lean in, she didn't tell him he could, she didn't give him the impression she wanted him to. AND she's married and at work.

This isn't a 'oops, I misread signals' situation. This is an 'I don't care about people's boundaries'.

Who fucking kisses random people at work FFS?

lisasimpsonssaxophone · 04/06/2018 01:50

I can’t believe what I’m reading in some of these comments.

Kissing someone that you barely know out of the blue, at work, is not fucking ‘trying it on’. It’s 100% unacceptable and I bloody well hope he does get fired for it.

Italiangreyhound · 04/06/2018 02:12

@Cheerymom
"Since when is trying to kiss someone sexual assault?"

It is. And he didn't just try, he did kiss her.

They were alone in the building at night and she was working and he chose that moment to come over and kiss her.

How appalling and inappropriate.

"...he tried it on and failed and is now mortified." He didn't fail, he succeeded in kissing her, and how do you know he is mortified?

"You do not suggest you felt threatened or in any way obliged by force."

I had someone try and kiss me a long time ago, he was drunk, I was much younger and was babysitting for his friend. I felt very unsafe and ushered him out of the house.

Men should stop pushing themselves on women, kissing a woman at work, totally unacceptable.

Cheerymom · 04/06/2018 02:12

Its horrible I agree but not illegal, yet. Really has anyone here ever tried to kiss someone then back off as they were wrong? And yes I understand the gender dynamics, but reading 'signals' regarding the right to kiss is neither written in law or a crime. He is from the sounds of it, a creepy chancer but is it abuse? There is a difference and to pretend there isn't is surely leading to every single interaction as a 'case' and undermines situations that are abuse.

ThistleAmore · 04/06/2018 02:17

@Cheerymom, what part of 'this is totally WRONG' are you not getting?

Touching somebody inappropriately (and yes, I do consider kissing inappropriate touching) in a social situation is bad enough, but to do that in a work setting is, quite frankly, horrendous, and a massive breach of any set of professional codes of conduct and/or ethics you can think of.

It absolutely IS illegal, because we have laws in place to ensure that people - especially women - can assume that they can go to work and feel safe in the knowledge that they are protected from such things.

Cheerymom · 04/06/2018 02:24

Ok so what do people suggest, serious question should a kiss be prempted with " Can I kiss you?", every time , because that is the only way to avoid this. A kiss generally has a few seconds lead up, a head tilt, etc so should it always be asked for? As this seems the logical trajectory from reactions to OP? And if not is it abuse?

Italiangreyhound · 04/06/2018 02:32

@Cheerymom
"Ok so what do people suggest, serious question should a kiss be prempted with " Can I kiss you?", every time"

Personally I don't have a problem with my dh planting a kiss on me, and I didn't when we were dating. A random collegue, not so much. I;d say men need to use their not so common sense, and if in doubt yes ask!

I also think you need to stop apologizing for men's shit behaviour because no one is buying it.

Cheerymom · 04/06/2018 02:40

Where and when did I apologise for mens shit behaviour? I have in my posts always acknowledged it a crap thing to do and have questioned the use of the word 'abuse".

Given it is almost impossible to get a rape conviction how do you suggest we start at this level, i.e. an unwanted kiss? How do you suggest we HAVE THE RIGHT TO CALL IT ABUSE when abuse is not taken seriously legally, i.e. rape convictions.

I have consistently said it is a shitty thing to do but not technically sexual abuse. But hey if it makes you all feel better to shout 'abuse' good luck, because that will change things!

lisasimpsonssaxophone · 04/06/2018 03:06

Ok so what do people suggest, serious question should a kiss be prempted with " Can I kiss you?", every time , because that is the only way to avoid this. A kiss generally has a few seconds lead up, a head tilt, etc so should it always be asked for? As this seems the logical trajectory from reactions to OP? And if not is it abuse?

I fucking hate this argument. You KNOW there’s a difference. You know the answer to this. And if you genuinely don’t, then you urgently need some basic training about consent and appropriate behaviour in the workplace.

If we’re talking ‘logical trajectories’ then the ‘logical trajectory’ of what you’re saying is that a random man or woman could come up to you on the bus or in the supermarket tomorrow and plant a great big smacker on your lips and then go ‘oops, I guess I misread the signals, my bad!’ and you’d be fine with it.

Stop being ridiculous.

Italiangreyhound · 04/06/2018 03:17

@Cheerymom "Where and when did I apologise for mens shit behaviour?"

It sounded to me like you were excusing what he was doing and suggesting it was OK.

If that is not the case then I am sorry, but that was how it came across to me.

Plus I would say it is totally wrong to attempt to kiss a work colleague, and you seemed not to see this.

"Given it is almost impossible to get a rape conviction how do you suggest we start at this level, i.e. an unwanted kiss?"

I'm not sure that the police would be involved but I do feel it is wrong and abusive to kiss someone against their will.

So even though we may not be able to prosecute something, I would still say we have a right to call out this type of behaviour.

I think she should report it to her boss.

justilou1 · 04/06/2018 03:23

Did he really have an email to do? Perhaps he's been waiting for an excuse to catch you alone at work? What if it's someone more vulnerable next time? I think you should report it. If all that happens is that he gets a formal discipline, then that's a start. If he gets fired, then well and good. I think this type of behaviour is predatory and will undoubtedly continue if left unchecked.

Puffycat · 04/06/2018 03:28

Do not tell your boss and do not put it down to drunken behaviour, deal with it yourself.
If you feel uncomfortable around him or things don’t settle down or, indeed, get worse, then grab him by the balls , look him in the eye, and tell him if he dares to come near you again you will.................

BoomBoomsCousin · 04/06/2018 03:53

I would report to HR because you just don't know who else he's tried that sort of thing with and the only way others will know is if everyone always reports it.

Italiangreyhound · 04/06/2018 04:06

OP just don't grab him by the balls as was suggested above!

@BoomBoomsCousin totally agree "I would report to HR because you just don't know who else he's tried that sort of thing with and the only way others will know is if everyone always reports it."

Cannyapper · 04/06/2018 04:15

@hatefuckingrain or she could look back in 10 years time and think, I didn’t report him and he assaulted that woman.

It’s not for the OP to worry about the consequences of his actions.

ShamelesslyPlacemarking · 04/06/2018 04:32

Ok so what do people suggest, serious question should a kiss be prempted with " Can I kiss you?", every time , because that is the only way to avoid this.

Christssake. Can you really not see any difference between, say, a teenage boy nervously going in for a kiss when in a movie theatre with a girl he’s asked there on a date and is already holding hands with, without explicitly asking, and a grown man suddenly lunging at his married colleague’s face while working late?!

If you were a man, you’d be the type who’s all “Well, I better just not talk to women at work anymore in case I accidentally sexually harass them!” Although to be fair, if a man truly isn’t sure if he’s going to sexually harass someone any time he opens his mouth, maybe he shouldn’t be allowed to speak to women at work until he’s capable of basic civility.

lisasimpsonssaxophone · 04/06/2018 04:39

Although to be fair, if a man truly isn’t sure if he’s going to sexually harass someone any time he opens his mouth, maybe he shouldn’t be allowed to speak to women at work until he’s capable of basic civility.

Fucking YES.

samueledotericson · 04/06/2018 04:41

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ShamelesslyPlacemarking · 04/06/2018 04:48

Good try, “Samuel”. Now she can add “goes through my work computer without permission and stalks me online” to “attempted to kiss me in the office while possibly drunk” to her complaint to HR.

TheMaddHugger · 04/06/2018 05:52

Unbelievable Hmm

Bettyfood · 04/06/2018 06:05

I personally think it is really lovely to be asked "May I kiss you?" I'd say that very much is the way to approach someone you haven't kissed before.

In the situation the OP has set out her colleague has behaved entirely inappropriately, it is clearly a sexual assault and needs to be reported to HR.

Swipe left for the next trending thread