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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Colleague kissed me

100 replies

Shwap · 03/06/2018 19:05

I have a dh with a baby and the colleague has a girlfriend with no kids. I have strictly a professional relationship with all my colleagues and I’m friends with a few of the female colleagues and go out for drinks now and then but that’s really it.

On wednesday last week night me and the male colleague had to work late (I had amends to do and he had to finish off an email) nobody else was there apart from a few other people in the next block I think. He came over to me almost out of the blue from his desk to show me some articles he had read and joking about it, I just laughed and then he took a chair and sat next to me which I thought was quite weird (I was still trying to finish off the amends) he then said how beautiful he thought I was which I was started to get really uncomfortable and thought he was possibly drunk. Then he kissed me and I immediately pushed him off of me saying asked him what he was doing. I was in utter shock as we rarely ever speak and I have never thought of him as anything more than just a “guy from work” and I thought he thought the same of me but I was quite obviously wrong.

I got my bags within a flash and left and the next few days at work he has downright avoided me at all costs which led me to think that he was probably drunk and regrets what he did, rightfully so.

Would I be unreasonable to bring it up to our boss or just leave it as a drunken mistake?

OP posts:

KittenBeast · 03/06/2018 19:51

He was drunk at work?

CombineBananaFister · 03/06/2018 19:54

But it's not just someone just 'trying it on' with someone they've been attracted to from afar (even though that would still be seriously weird and inappropriate in the workplace)
You don't talk to him much, there's been no flirting or preamble or buildup to make him (mistakenly) think this is something you would be ok with and again it's still odd under those circumstances. It's very wrong and very weird, I'd report it.

ForalltheSaints · 03/06/2018 19:55

If you really think he was drunk at work then at the very least this should be raised with your manager or HR. Not only will this ensure no repeat of his behaviour, but if he has a drink problem he will have to face up to it.

The only question is whether you consider this one-off unacceptable behaviour to be harassment or not. Many people I think would.

Beamur · 03/06/2018 19:58

I would definitely speak to someone about this, even if you don't want to make a formal complaint. There's every chance this could be a silly on off never repeated incident, or it could be a pattern of behaviour whereby he assaults lone colleagues. It's not ok.

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/06/2018 19:58

Some bloke who you barely talk to kissed you without asking/checking/anything?

Yeah, I'd already have reported him. It's extremely unprofessional and possibly criminal.

Curlywurlywurly · 03/06/2018 20:03

He sexually assaulted you. You would be well within your rights to report him to your manager and the police.

WalkingOnAFlashlightBeam · 03/06/2018 20:07

100% report it. I’m a confident person and even I’d feel really nervous in that scenario in a fairly quiet place with a colleague with zero boundaries coming onto me. What a creep.

Please report it before he tries to spread rumours or suggest it was the other way around.

Don’t even mention the alcohol, it’s irrelevant. Him being pissed doesn’t make it any better and it’s a distraction from the issue of his behaviour. Report it and let him try use alcohol as an excuse, getting himself into more shit in the process, if he wants to.

You have to report this. Did you tell your husband?

Butterflykissess · 03/06/2018 20:11

The police?

dueanotherchange · 03/06/2018 20:12

Report. Totally unacceptable and should not be ignored.

Honeyroar · 03/06/2018 20:13

Personally id tell him that if he ever pulls a stunt like that you'll report him, and leave it be.

Ethylred · 03/06/2018 20:16

There was no lunge, no assault; she "thought he was possibly drunk."

OP, do you want to look back in 10 years' time and remember "oh yes,
I got him sacked"?

Purplestorm83 · 03/06/2018 20:17

Mention it informally (I.e. not making a formal complaint) to your boss or HR just so it’s logged in case anything more comes of it - in all likelihood, he’s a reasonable guy who massively regrets what happened and will never speak of it again, but there’s always that tiny chance that he will try to use it to his advantage in some way in the future.

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/06/2018 20:18

There was an assault. He kissed her without any indication on her part that it would be wanted. That's an assault. It might not be additionally violent, but it's unwanted sexual contact.

FuckingHateRain · 03/06/2018 20:23

What a nasty fucker! Just started new job two weeks ago and the male next to me touched my leg on Friday when I thanked him about something ... disgusting men

believinginangels · 03/06/2018 20:24

Definitely report it OP. You need it on record should it ever happen again to you or a colleague. I was working late on my own and was pinned against a wall and kissed by a male colleague (who had come in to the office). I managed to talk him in to going home to his wife (and me to my husband). I phoned a manager to say what had just happened, and within days he had been dismissed for gross misconduct. He wasn't a very nice person before that incident - he wasn't drunk, just arrogant and I had no misgivings.

FuckingHateRain · 03/06/2018 20:24

There was no lunge, no assault; she "thought he was possibly drunk."
OP, do you want to look back in 10 years' time and remember "oh yes,
I got him sacked"?
You having a laugh? It's her fault if he gets the sack?

Zaphodsotherhead · 03/06/2018 20:27

I'd report it too.

Suppose he tries it on with an intern or a junior who's too afraid to tell him to stop or push him away? And he takes that as consent and proceeds to rape her?

And if he starts to bear a grudge and threatens to tell your DH that you're leading him on?

Get it documented before it escalates.

RB68 · 03/06/2018 20:32

I think you do need to bring it up - espec if it was still in the office - you did nothing to invite the approach and now will not want to work late or on your own if he is around etc.

Branleuse · 03/06/2018 20:34

if he doesnt do it again, I wouldnt report. If he starts harrassing you, thats a different story.

rwalker · 03/06/2018 20:44

Reading your post you don't sound traumatised or too worried (if you were report it straight away). If you think it was just trying his luck I would make your boss aware but say that you don't want it following up then if anything else happens you can refer back to this .

WalkingOnAFlashlightBeam · 03/06/2018 20:53

OP, do you want to look back in 10 years' time and remember "oh yes,
I got him sacked"?

I’m pretty sure thatif I approached a married male colleague at work when it was fairly quiet and tried to kiss him without any indication it would be welcome, and I lost my job, I’d consider that I’d gotten myself sacked.

Henrysmycat · 03/06/2018 20:56

There was no lunge, no assault; she "thought he was possibly drunk."
OP, do you want to look back in 10 years' time and remember "oh yes,
I got him sacked"?

Who exactly is the victim here? HIM ASSAULTING OR THE OP WHO DIDN’T ASK FOR IT?
HE GOT HIMSELF SACKED if he gets sacked. And what if he’s done this many times before and got away with more? What if in the future, he zeros in on a quieter, more reserved person and even rapes them?
How about that for ‘looking back 10 years and thinking “I’ve done fuckall about it?”
Can’t believe some people here.

MissConductUS · 03/06/2018 20:58

I’d consider that I’d gotten myself sacked.

This. My HR person is fond of saying "I don't fire people, people fire themselves.".

CristalTipps · 04/06/2018 01:22

Hysterical men charging round the internet saying they are too afraid to even say "good morning" to a female colleague in case they get arrested, and yet in the real world this shit continues to happen.

OP, do you want to look back in 10 years' time and remember "oh yes,
I got him sacked"?

And these attitudes also refuse to die...

esk1mo · 04/06/2018 01:27

i agree with pp - he wasnt “making a move” he was sexually assualting you.

report

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