To really resent SIL with MH problems

[Narnia72]

I have posted about SIL before. Diagnosis of bipolar effective disorder, brought on in part by a huge amount of drug and alcohol abuse in her teens and twenties.

We have supported her extensively over the last 6 years since she moved to our hometown to be near us. We supported her through getting pregnant through a one night stand, and the heartbreak of having the baby removed and adopted out of the family.

We have spent huge amounts of time, effort and money in caring for her. However, periodically she decides that she knows better than the MH team caring for her, and becomes non compliant with her medication. So she reduces doses or stops taking it all together, and then we end up having to deal with the resulting chaos.

Her other brother supported her extensively before she moved here, but had had enough and pretty much cut contact.

She has - again - reduced or stopped her medication. We don't know which, but we've known for a while she's becoming unwell as she's sending us really abusive text and whatsapp messages in the middle of the night.

Recently I snapped and sent a reply telling her to stop it. This triggered a huge amount of abuse and character decimation - really hurtful and personal stuff - and so I blocked her. She then sent even more evil messages about me to my OH (her brother) and he told her he didn't want to receive abusive messages about me, so she flipped and told him she was cutting us all out of her life and moving away.

it's OH's birthday today and we've just come back from a lovely day out to lots of missed calls from OH's brother. He is with SIL, she's saying she's taken an overdose, the ambulance has been called but she's refusing to go in voluntarily. BIL has laid a massive guilt trip on OH about going down and taking over, so he's just gone.

I am so angry about this. Time and time again she does this, and we always end up having to deal with it. I told OH before he went that I was really unhappy that he was going (realistically he will either have to call the police and get her sectioned or talk her into going to hospital which will mean him accompanying her). He understands my POV, but says he can't leave his brother to deal (despite the fact that BIL refused to get involved at all when we were going through all the shit with her last time) and at the end of the day she is his sister.

I know that MH problems are complex and that it is so hard to take medication long term. I have sympathy for her, but I just can't deal with any more of this.

She has recently married a man from Algeria who she met online. I asked why he couldn't deal with it and apparently he's frightened of her when she's like this. She is terrifying in full mania, but I kind of feel it's now his problem to deal with and we just shouldn't have to be involved any more. I suspect the marriage is a sham on his part and he's just in it for the visa, but he ought to be caring for her if he's taking her money.

I know I probably sound vile and heartless, but I cannot tell you how much heartbreak and stress she has put us through and I really hoped with the arrival of the husband it would be an end to it for us.

Anyway, at the end of that long rant, AIBU to say enough is enough and ask OH not to get involved any more.

No, YANBU. People will pile in and say how heartless and terrible you are, but realistically most people have absolutely no idea what the reality of constantly dealing with someone like this is like.

After this crisis, you and your DH would not be at all U to detach - if he agrees. Services will rely on you if they can - if you make it clear to them her husband is her next of kin and not you, they should get the idea.

YWBVU to make your OH choose between you and his sister. She has a serious illness. Try switching bipolar with epilepsy and mania with seizures. It says a lot about your OH’s character that he cares for his sister when she’s unwell.

However, SIBU to stop taking her medication and that really needs addressing.

Also - massive . It utterly sucks and I know how upsetting it is. I'm sorry it's happening to your family.

@LeChatDeNuit it's not comparable to seizures though. With serious MH issues, the person is often not compos mentis, there's no reasoning with them, and if they're abusive - which SIL is op says - it's even more awful.

It's like hitting your head repeatedly again a brick wall, with the same patterns occurring again and again. Not that I don't have sympathy with SIL, but being on the receiving end is really awful.

I understand the impact in wider family and your dp.but you can’t request he stop seeing sister
It’s up to your dh how he responds to his sister. How involved he want to be
You rightly should prioritise your family,and shield them from potential risk
It’s been a lot of tumultuous significant events,and the sis dealing with her own diagnosis
With an illness like bpad the sister will have exhibited impaired judgement,reckless behaviour as result of the illness

I have exactly no experience of mental illnesses, but no it really doesn’t sound unreasonable to say enough is enough.

Granted it’s terrble for her too, but you can’t put your entire lives on hold because she has a mental illness that is not well controlled.

for all. Sounds very tough.

I'd have nothing to do with her.

I think you absolutely can ask your DH to cut contact with his sister actually. At some point enough is enough. MH issues can be fucking hard to cope with and not every can or wants to.

So she's under some sort of crisis team? How frequently do they visit?

Where does her husband scuttle off to?

People are pretty quick to say cut contact, you can’t fix it when someone posts About an alcoholic in the family. Alcoholism is an addiction/ mental problem the sufferer did not choose. But for some reason we have to accept having our lives ruined by responsibility for a family member’s other mental illness which we can’t fix or cure. I would say keep distance leave to the NHS , they probably can’t fix it either, but your DH certainly can’t.

Op I cut contact with my sister 9 years ago after she put my mum in an early grave. She had a lot of problems, we tried for years to help. After my mum died I decided that was it I needed to concentrate on my own family.

One thing I alway say when people question why I did this, my sister always expected everyone else to sort her problems. And that's the thing that person needs to want to help themselves first.

You can’t tell your oh to have nothing to do with her. If he chooses to go, don’t make him choose, it’s his family and he has the right to help if he so decides.

YANBU

I have a DS with serious mental health problems.

The whole determining her own medication thing has happened. She's incredibly negative and manipulative, she lies constantly and damaging about most people she knows. She can be so manic it's unnerving and so down its hard not to get dragged with her. totally and absolutely feel for you. It is frustrating and exhausting. It takes over your entire life. I burned out and went NC after over 6 years.

Your feelings are normal, you're under a huge amount of strain.

Get all the support you can. All you can do is talk to your partner about going NC in a calm reasoned fashion to find a way forward. Asking is not a crime. He can say no if he chooses and then you would decide where to go from there.

I was lucky both my DP and my sister's DP were supportive of me stepping away. However my family weren't so good. My mother said she wished we could 'all just get along'. Of course she lives 4 hours away and sees my DS a couple of times a year so has no idea what goes on. When asked to help with support with DS after 6 years she couldn't because she was 'struggling to cope with the idea' . I say this because it just illustrates how obtuse and ill informed people on the outside can be. You know what you are going through and you have to look after yourself as well as others.

Good luck OP

My DB is bipolar. I have 2 close friends who are bipolar and have worked with numerous clients who are bipolar.

It sounds to me as though she is not adequately supported. When people are entering a manic phase, they feel fantastic, on top of the world, better than most of us could imagine. That's why they stop taking their meds - they feel far, far better when unwell than they when medicated. (This is not surprising - an awful lot of psych meds have awful side effects).

With my friends and clients, it is often possible to explain, gently, that they appear to be becoming unwell, to remind them what of what is likely to transpire and to encourage them to get psych intervention at an early stage rather than to end up sectioned on a locked ward after spending 3 days, terrified, in a police cell.

If that doesn't work, I will contact their MH team and tell them about the apparent decline, and suggest early intervention.

My brother lives several hours drive away, and is very reclusive, so by the time I know he's not well it's usually too late. And his bipolar disorder has a very long cycle - it is usually a few years between episodes.

I have been on the end of some appalling behaviour , threats and abuse from people who are unwell, but it's not their fault. They are no more to blame for their actions than (to borrow a PP's analogy) an epileptic is to blame for having a seizure.

I think your DH is doing the right thing in supporting his sister and I applaud him for it. If my brother were nearer us, I would be doing exactly the same. It's the humane thing to do, and if my DP tried to stop me, he'd get his marching orders.

But he wouldn't try and stop me because he is a compassionate person who understands that people in an MH crisis can behave in ways that can be both hurtful and challenging, and that they can't help it.

Sorry to hear about this situation OP. I’ve had some experience of MH problems myself (albeit not as serious as your SIL’s) and I know how difficult it is for family members, but this situation sounds to be bordering on intolerable.

How much help/input does SIL get from the mental health team? Are there any other family members around who can help?

While I feel massively for you, I don’t think you can ask your DH to cut her out. Although that may well be the best course of action, it has to be his decision. I guess you just have to decide if you can stay in the relationship if he decides to maintain contact. As pp said, the one positive here is that your OH Is clearly a good person being such a source of support to her despite the effect it has on you all.

Best of luck OP

YANBU. I have Bipolar. I spent years living in chaos until I was diagnosed and I’ve spent a decade complying with my medical care because frankly the thought of being like that again, it fucking terrifies me. The damage I caused to people whilst undiagnosed is incalculable and I can barely live with the guilt of it, let alone adding more to it, and this time it would be wilfully doing it as I now know what causes it.

A friend of mine was diagnosed a while back. She’s like your SIL. I had to cut her off 2 years ago as her behaviour was starting to severely trigger my anxiety. I was the last person out of family and friends to cut her off, I had more patience with her due to my own illnesses but you cannot do anything with someone who is non compliant.

Leave her to it. You’re not responsible for her and neither are her relatives.

Yanbu Op. Cut ties. She will ruin your fucking life.

You sound amazing op as does your dh. No advice but to you. Must be very very hard

I’m don’t think drugs and alcohol can cause bipolar. It’s more likely that she had undiagnosed bipolar in her 20s and used drugs and alcohol to cope. Many people with mental illness have addictions.

I don’t underestimate how difficult this is to deal with - I have a friend with a bipolar sister and she’s had the call outs to bridges by police when her sister is threatening to kill herself etc.

I guess your bother will just continue until he can’t take any more.

One thing though while you’re still in contact - ignore all the abuse, don’t take it personally, and get involved in it - that just escalates the problem. She’s not in her right mind.

YANBU and none of this is your fault, your BIL is a cock and none of this is your problem.

Yanbu to feel this way, it must be incredibly hard. Unfortunately you can only support your partner in how he decides to proceed re contact with his sister. You really can’t demand he ceased contact with her, gently suggest it by all means and tell him you no longer want her to be a part of your own life too.

Is she under a CTO? If not, sounds like something that should definitely be brought up with the professionals! If she's well with her medication, but keeps stopping them, she should ideally be given lost lasting depot injections.

Sorry you're struggling with this all. You do need to look after yourselves though, and take distance for your own sanity.

*long lasting ^^

I know many people don't like going down the route of depot shots, but that's sometimes needed, and if she's not willing to comply with her medications and is very unwell without it, that's exactly what CTOs are for, surely.