To really resent SIL with MH problems

[Narnia72]

I have posted about SIL before. Diagnosis of bipolar effective disorder, brought on in part by a huge amount of drug and alcohol abuse in her teens and twenties.

We have supported her extensively over the last 6 years since she moved to our hometown to be near us. We supported her through getting pregnant through a one night stand, and the heartbreak of having the baby removed and adopted out of the family.

We have spent huge amounts of time, effort and money in caring for her. However, periodically she decides that she knows better than the MH team caring for her, and becomes non compliant with her medication. So she reduces doses or stops taking it all together, and then we end up having to deal with the resulting chaos.

Her other brother supported her extensively before she moved here, but had had enough and pretty much cut contact.

She has - again - reduced or stopped her medication. We don't know which, but we've known for a while she's becoming unwell as she's sending us really abusive text and whatsapp messages in the middle of the night.

Recently I snapped and sent a reply telling her to stop it. This triggered a huge amount of abuse and character decimation - really hurtful and personal stuff - and so I blocked her. She then sent even more evil messages about me to my OH (her brother) and he told her he didn't want to receive abusive messages about me, so she flipped and told him she was cutting us all out of her life and moving away.

it's OH's birthday today and we've just come back from a lovely day out to lots of missed calls from OH's brother. He is with SIL, she's saying she's taken an overdose, the ambulance has been called but she's refusing to go in voluntarily. BIL has laid a massive guilt trip on OH about going down and taking over, so he's just gone.

I am so angry about this. Time and time again she does this, and we always end up having to deal with it. I told OH before he went that I was really unhappy that he was going (realistically he will either have to call the police and get her sectioned or talk her into going to hospital which will mean him accompanying her). He understands my POV, but says he can't leave his brother to deal (despite the fact that BIL refused to get involved at all when we were going through all the shit with her last time) and at the end of the day she is his sister.

I know that MH problems are complex and that it is so hard to take medication long term. I have sympathy for her, but I just can't deal with any more of this.

She has recently married a man from Algeria who she met online. I asked why he couldn't deal with it and apparently he's frightened of her when she's like this. She is terrifying in full mania, but I kind of feel it's now his problem to deal with and we just shouldn't have to be involved any more. I suspect the marriage is a sham on his part and he's just in it for the visa, but he ought to be caring for her if he's taking her money.

I know I probably sound vile and heartless, but I cannot tell you how much heartbreak and stress she has put us through and I really hoped with the arrival of the husband it would be an end to it for us.

Anyway, at the end of that long rant, AIBU to say enough is enough and ask OH not to get involved any more.

CTO doesn’t necessarily increase medication compliance just puts in a mechanism to recall to hospital and add compliance as a CTO condition

If under CMHT May need a medication review

Its not up to you whether your husband cuts contact with his own sister because of her disability/health issue. If he decides hes had enough then thats up to him, but its his sister and it is not your place to interfere.
You can decide you dont want any part in it, but you cant decide that for him

I see, Lipstick. No personal experience of CTOs - just through someone I know. (And it does make her feel very threatened and has massively damaged her relationship with the MH team, but I can see the point in her case.) That's why I was thinking of the depots.The person I know who suffers from psychotic episides, and has a long history of repeatedly coming off her tablets and getting very unwell and ending up in hospital. I feel bad for her, as she absolutely hates the depots, but no more psychotic episides while she's been on it.

BIL is a cock and none of this is your problem

Calling the bil a cock is a bit harsh. It can be very hard when you’re struggling with a family member with MH issues by yourself, and no other family will step up and help.

Your DH has the right to go NC if HE wants to, but she is ill and as he said, she is his sister.

CTO are a sanction,and can feel harsh so yes can impair relationship with CMHT

Depot injection is predominantly used in psychotic disorders,and are usually administered 2 or 4 weekly
Aripiprazole depot Can be prescribed for mood disorder. RC will assess if suitable
But again, the sister in law would need to agree to depot

It’s a discussion to be had with cmht

I could write an extremely similar post about my SIL and her mental health and substance abuse issues. DH took the decision to cut contact as it was making him sick with anxiety, she was frequently attempting to hurt us (emotionally and physically) and absolutely nothing he did could help the situation. I'll support him, either way.

You can choose to withdraw your own support / refuse to engage and relay that to your DH- that's not unreasonable. However, your DH's support is his to offer or withdraw as he pleases and you need to respect that. You can obviously draw lines as to whether your/assets or property are part of that support.

It’s his decision, however he may have some success if (at a better time) he tells her to take her medication or he will cut contact. Maybe not but worth a try I think.

You don’t have to be included but you can’t stop your DH.

Difficult.

Agree with PP. can totally understand your POV but she is your DPs sister and you can't force him to cut contact and if you do he may end up resenting you. He needs to make this decision himself

YADNBU, OP. It's so hard to deal with MH problems. My DB has serious MH issues and my DM has always guilt tripped DH and me to look out for him when she's away. I used to feel obligated to have him stay with us, but like your SIL he can be very abusive and he's very jealous of DSis and me because we've managed to create lives for ourselves after our traumatic childhood, which he hasn't been able to do.

But then I realised that my DDs were afraid of him because he shouted at them, and I had enough to cope with looking after my adopted DDs, one of whom has SEN, and I had to put my family first. Besides which I have my own MH issues, in my case complex PTSD. I'm now virtually NC with him and I've managed to get over the guilt.

Sometimes you just have to protect yourself and your immediate family. If it means your SIL will be sectioned, just let it happen. It sounds like she needs to be in hospital anyway, where she'll get the psychiatric help she needs.

for you, OP.

His decision, not yours

She will ruin your life and marriage if you don't cut ties. You cannot help people who do not want to help themselves, whether it is a physical or mental illness.

If your husband cared about you and your family, he would have cut ties a long time ago.

She is not not husband's responsibility and even if she were (eg it was his adult daughter), he should not let her destroy your life.

Oh, and ignore all the people saying that you are being unreasonble. They have either never had to put up with anything like this or if they have then they are masochistic.

I would have cut ties the second time she stopped her medication.

Calling the bil a cock is a bit harsh. It can be very hard when you’re struggling with a family member with MH issues by yourself, and no other family will step up and help

He was a cock though. And it isn't a case of the OP's OH 'stepping up', from what I've read, he's done a lot already, and he was out enjoying his birthday with his family. I know how bad dealing with someone will mental health is, through years of experience, but there is no need for the BIL to act the way he did.

Sorry to come back to this so late, thanks for all your replies. It has been an evening of drama, the paramedics were amazing and have eventually managed to persuade her to go to sleep with her prescribed sleeping pills (a huge indicator that she's not well is insomnia) and DH has been on the phone to the crisis team and there is a plan in place to deal when she wakes up. It's clear that the claim about the overdose wasn't true and the husband has been left with instructions of who to call if she wakes up and is an immediate danger to herself or him. The CMHT will be informed and see her as a priority in the morning.

She has been under CTOs in the past, but has been compliant for nearly a year, so was down to minimal contact with the team and order had been lifted.

Perhaps we should have been in touch with them when we started receiving all the abuse, but at the time DH had been rushed into hospital with a pulmonary embolism so we had enough to cope with.

Anyway, thanks for your support and for sharing your own stories, it's sad but reassuring that there are similar stories out there and I'm not being an unfeeling cow.

To those that say replace MH issues with a physical condition, sorry, but it's in no way comparable. I nursed my Granny to the end of terminal cancer and although some of the caring was hard to do, and it was pretty relentless towards the end, it is totally different, caring for someone with a debilitating physical condition to someone with MH issues. In our time of caring for her, her cousin had to fly out to America to rescue her from a similar situation where she stopped taking her meds and trashed some poor unfortunate guy's house. We've had calls from the police in the middle of the night, she has a criminal record from attacking a nurse, and she drew a cock and balls outside our house after she abused me in front of my kids and threw things at me. She flatly denies most of these things happened and is convinced we're making them up to discredit her.

She's like a dementia, she socks away our energy and takes from us so relentlessly at times that we end up arguing because we can't cope.

DH feels a huge amount of responsibility for her, but actually I am the one who has done the majority of the caring. When she was referred to the social care team she asked me to act as an advocate for her, and I attendes conferences, meetings with cafcass, attended court hearings, was her birth partner when she had the baby, she and the baby could come to my house on day release from the MH unit and I cared for them both, the list goes on.

It is of course up to DH if he wants to keep in contact, but I can no longer facilitate it, and the harsh fact is that our family has to come first.

And I know she is not well, but I'm also convinced that some of her behaviour is her, not the illness. She is very clever at writing abusive messages to me and sad messages to DH at the same time saying how she doesn't understand why I'm so upset with her. She doesn't realise that we look at each other's messages from her, after a similar episode a few years back.

It's so sad and so draining. Whatever is MH and what is bad behaviour, the bottom line is I can't take any more.

She's accused me of blocking contact with DH, but actually I've facilitated it a lot in the past. He's great for her in a crisis, but I'm the one who invites her round for meals and checks she's OK.

Sorry this is a big ramble. I'm shattered, but thanks again for all your support. X

I know how bad dealing with someone will mental health is, through years of
experience

Same here.

but there is no need for the BIL to act the way he did.

Why not? If the 2 brothers have agreed (spoken or unspoken) to stand by their DSis during her illness then it’s a joint task, surely? Chances are the DB was stressed, at the end of his tether and needed some support.

My DH’s ex suffers from alcoholism / MH issues. Her father and siblings are happy to be there when she is “well” but when she isn’t, 90% of the time they stick their head in the sand and expect my DH to deal with it (because they know he will, I guess).
The last time it happened DH called her DF and ended up shouting at him and telling him a few home truths....... is he a “cock”, also?

PS in case anyone is wondering why DH does this for his ex, it’s because she is the mother of his 2DDs and he really doesn’t want to tell them she’s choked on her own vomit or committed suicide

OP I don’t think there is anything wrong with you wanting to go NC, and you can gently encourage your DH to do the same but you can’t force him. Family loyalty is very strong for some people.m, no matter how hard / upsetting it may be.

Just to clarify, BIL used to be great with her, but didn't want to know when she got pregnant and left us to deal with all the shit. I was mad today because of all the times during that awful period where we asked for help and didn't get it. I thought him asking for support today was a bit shit considering the history. And predictably DH is the one dealing with all the calls from the MH team.

YANBU

For your own mental and physical health, cutting her off seems like a very wise decision.