Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family frustration!

26 replies

blondeemily · 03/06/2018 17:18

DP and I are not engaged but we have talked quite a lot about marriage and what we would do. It is on the cards in the near future anyway.

I am close with my immediate family (Mum, Dad and sister) but my parents are not close to either of their families and consequently neither am I. My parents split 10 years ago. My Dad has a long term partner but my Mum is single. My Mum and my Dad's partner despise each other (largely a jealousy thing I think). For this reason, I have always been worried about getting married and having everybody there, especially my Mum and my Dad's partner. It is not as though they would be diffused by a large family. Also, me and DP have never wanted to fork out thousands for a wedding, especially since we bought a house last year and would rather put our money onto making that nice. We talked the other day and said that we would quite happily have a basic ceremony at a register office with two witnesses. Being married is what is important rather than having a big day.

My Mum asked me last weekend what we would do for our wedding should we get married. I told her our potential plans. I could tell she was not happy as I suggested I would have my Dad as my witness (DP would probably have his Mum). Anyway, she brought it up again earlier saying she was really upset that she wouldn't be at my wedding (which I do understand) but she also went on to say that there is no point in getting married if you aren't going to actually have a wedding. My sister also piped up that she thinks it would be very selfish of us to do what we talked about.

I am so frustrated as it feels like whatever we do, people are going to be upset. I can see that DP's family would also be cross if we went ahead with this. I know that this is all academic at the moment but I wish we could just be happy in the knowledge that OUR day will be the way we want it.

What do you think? AIBU?

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 03/06/2018 17:21

Personally I think you have all parents or none - I’d be very hurt if my son got married without me (assuming my DH and I were no longer together).

If you want the very small wedding you suggest I think that it’s only fair to each choose a friend and leave it there.

Aquamarine1029 · 03/06/2018 17:24

Having one parent and not the other in your circumstance is a huge mistake. Did you really think your mother wouldn't be incredibly hurt by this?

Just go to the registry office and get married privately. That's what I did and it was wonderful.

honeyishrunkthekid · 03/06/2018 17:33

Omg you cannot get married and have your dad and not your mum. That shows you favour him. Have friends if you're going to do it that way

Ilovecamping · 03/06/2018 17:34

Your wedding, your choice, speaking as a mum if that is what my children wanted good luck to them.

Original poster
blondeemily · 03/06/2018 17:35

No Aqua, I did say that I can see why she is upset. But I hoped that she would understand. After all, she has been telling me recently to "not bother" getting married at all. I would love to go and get married privately, but two witnesses are required. Merry your suggestion is a good one but I am almost certain DP would want his Mum (he has no contact with his Dad).

OP posts:
FASH84 · 03/06/2018 17:35

I agree, small could be ten or twenty.people, but to invite dad and not mum is horrid. Why not go to gretna green or Vegas on your own?

itswinetime · 03/06/2018 17:39

Yeah I'm normally on team do what you want how you want but the idea of only having one parent present especially when they are separated and it's bitter that's a massive mistake of course it will cause a ton of drama. My opinion either have friends as witness or invite both parents. Of course you can stick with your plan but you had to know that it was cause a lot of upset and drama.

RoseanneBarred · 03/06/2018 17:43

DH and I both have parents who are divorced. Because it would have either been all sets plus respective children invited, or none of them, we went with none. Two strangers as witnesses.

It was fab (20 years married next year).

I do agree it seems a bit harsh to have one of your parents but not the other tbh.

Original poster
blondeemily · 03/06/2018 17:46

Okay, thanks all. I am being unfair and maybe that's what I needed to hear Smile I think either friends as witnesses or Las Vegas is the way to go for us!

OP posts:
Motoko · 03/06/2018 17:51

Just because you need two witnesses, it doesn't mean it has to be anyone you know. You could ask a couple of people on the street, or waiting for an appointment in the registry office, to act as witnesses. I had a friend who did that with her partner.

But even if your mum did understand, she's still going to feel hurt to not be asked to come to your wedding, when you've asked your dad. Why did you ask him, and not your mum?

bridgetreilly · 03/06/2018 17:56

Wouldn't it be better to have both of your parents (and both DPs parents) there? That's still a tiny wedding, without your father's partner and any of the other family dynamics. You don't have to have a party or any of the other stuff, but only asking one of your parents is massively unkind.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 03/06/2018 18:01

Your wedding yes but unless you are NC with parents then it's incredibly selfish to exclude them. It would be a very hurtful thing to do to them.

Imagine your children sharing huge events with strangers and excluding you.

NorthernLurker · 03/06/2018 18:12

Legally two witnesses are needed but that doesn't mean you can only have two people there! You could have a friend each plus his mum and your mum and dad. That's still tiny but not hurtful to your mum.

Original poster
blondeemily · 03/06/2018 18:14

The reason I felt that way, Motoko, is that my Dad has always been incredibly supportive of me. My Mum was emotionally abusive growing up, and still continues to be at times.
Bridgetreilly that's a good idea. If you want more than two witnesses, then
next ceremony is for up to 40 but I suppose that doesn't mean we can't have just have a few. Although I can imagine that causing problems for my Dad as his partner doesn't like him having any sort of contact with my Mum Hmm

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 03/06/2018 18:14

Yes, you need witnesses but anyone can do it. We ask two lovely strangers and they were thrilled to do it.

happyasasandboy · 03/06/2018 18:40

I invited my mum and my dad, but didn't invite my step mum (of 25 years).

I didn't invite my step mum because I couldn't trust my mum not to kick off at her and my dad. It was tough managing her interactions with my dad, but had step mum been there it would have been unbearable.

My dad was really offended I didn't invite my step mum. No doubt my step mum was upset too, but we've not discussed it.

If I am ever able to discuss it with my dad and step mum I will explain that it was only because I didn't want to spend my wedding day managing their relationships. To be fair, I see it as mostly their fault step Mum wasn't invited, as they'd had 25 years to sort out a functional relationship with my mum and hadn't bothered. If they tried without me knowing (and maybe they did), then I'd hope they would see that I didn't want to use my wedding to try and achieve what they'd been unable to achieve.

Split families are tough. But if your mum and dad can be civil to each other then I'd try to involve them both.

Jaxhog · 03/06/2018 18:45

there is no point in getting married if you aren't going to actually have a wedding
I hate this. Marriage is about 2 people making a long term commitment to each other, not putting yourselves in debt for the sake of one day. There is no need for a big party if you don't want one. Have a nice afternoon tea with your immediate family instead. Much nicer.

Original poster
blondeemily · 03/06/2018 18:48

Thanks happyasasandboy That's exactly how I feel, not wanting to spend the day worying about managing their relationships.

OP posts:
Original poster
blondeemily · 03/06/2018 18:50

Thank you for picking that out Jaxhog! That is what mainly p*ed me off I think. Almost like the wedding is for everybody else's benefit and if they're not going to be there then you may as well not get married at all!

OP posts:
Fluffyears · 03/06/2018 19:03

We eloped and had no guests. We went away for a weekend and came back with our marriage as a done deal. The venue provided witnesses. Our wedding was for us not everyone else.

Ceecee18 · 03/06/2018 19:05

I think you'd be better off having no parents and just strangers or friends as witnesses OP. DP and I are getting married next year with just two friends as witnesses because our DMs would both try to make it into a bigger deal than we want it to be.

TitsalinaBumsquat · 03/06/2018 20:32

Me and OH are going to do it this way. Mainly because my parents are divorced and don’t get on and I can’t be bothered with the stress of having hem both in the same room. We will get married next year with just our son and whatever my January due bump turns out to be.

YANBU to want to get married just the two of you, but YABU to have 2 parents there and not the other 2. We decided it had to be all or nothing, we will use some random people as witnesses because otherwise your family and friends will assume that those 2 people are more important than everyone else and it will cause friction. It shouldn’t because if it’s what you want that’s what should happen but we all know families don’t work like that.

You could always call on Mumsnet for witnesses? I have seen a few threads where people stare the time and location and other users have gone to be witnesses :)

MyOtherUsernameisaPun · 03/06/2018 20:40

Why can't you have your DPs mum and both your parents? It's hardly a crowd is it? I think it's terribly unfair to have one parent and not the other if you are close to both of them.

Uniquack · 03/06/2018 20:49

Late DH and I had been engaged for over a year, we were in town one day and decided on the spur of the moment to get married. We were dressed in jeans and t-shirts, popped into Home Affairs (not UK), they got two clerks as witnesses and five minutes later we were married. Bought a couple of bottles of bubbly and popped around to the parents to inform them. Quick and easy and we were congratulated for not wasting thousands on a big wedding. I would recommend it Grin.

Mamabear14 · 03/06/2018 20:54

We had 6 guests. I had my mum, her partner and my nan. DH had his mum and his dad and his step mum. His dad doesn't much like his mum, and that was obvious but clear he tried to hide it on the day. His mum and step mum got on fine which I think was more of a worry in the beginning.
At the end of the day it's their child's wedding. They can suck it up and be a grown up about it or none of them come. It's not about them.

Swipe left for the next trending thread