Is this stealing?

[MrBrainsFaggots]

Husband of a friend opened bank accounts as each child (3) arrived. All kids under 8.

Grandparents have put in £100 each birthday / Christmas (very generous, three sets of grandparents) and one gave a substantial sum (in the £hundreds) on birth of each child.

Turns out bank accounts are empty. Husband doesn't see that this is a problem - "bills needed paying." Friend livid and seeking advice from solicitor.

WIBU? Would this spell divorce for you? Is this stealing? How much is too much?

He is a bastard for sure but i don't think it will be considered stealing or fraud as the account was in his name. Maybe someone who works in a bank will come along and let us know.

The gambling, the lack of financial transparency and the lying would be divorce for me too.
A joint decision to pay bills because wages just aren't enough is fine.

Thanks all for your responses. She is with me here just reading through the comments and is totally beside herself. Yes she has been hugely naive - the whole marriage has been based on deception and ultimately she has been one of the facilitators because she never properly probed - when she did she was ignored for days. I'm not sure she will ever be able to trust again which is desperately sad.

Is be furious if I were one of the grandparents that thought I was contributing to the children's savings only to find I'd been lining his pockets.

How much has he racked up on the credit cards? If he has a gambling addiction it could be a huge figure! Stealing from the kids accounts could be just the tip of the iceberg...

People can obtain more credit cards without their partner knowing, and I think it's fairly common for gamblers to do this However, I believe they are considered a joint debt if divorcing.

The's an OW on the scene too?

He sounds a right charmer....

Well yes of course GP will be furious. But as GP I’d worry about the wife passivity
It’s appalling sad and tawdry and he’s really treated his own family so bad
The immediate to do,is get formal advice and full financial review.
Is the house safe, what’s financially left?

And longer term From this the wife needs to vow to never be so passive again.

don't let her take on guilt or blame for this.we can be so blind to things when we are desperate for It to all be ok or in love.so many things are hidden between partners.she isn't the first.but she can come back strong er from this.adn now has the full picure can be a high tower of strength to how she moves forward.the decisions are all hers now.she is in control.she can make it better and take powr back for the good.

Let’s not victim blame here, financial abuse is an actual thing and is tied in with emotional abuse and given how much the H has lied... I almost lost the roof over my head due to my ExH, because I trusted him to be a grown up and pay his half of the bills without me needing to check he’d actually done it because obviously I thought he was a Grown Up.

There’s no victim blaming,the dh is responsible. But the passivity of his wife unwittingly let this financial abuse run unchallenged
The immediate task is get advice,overview of the current situation
The longer term task is for wife to have true information and overview not an account from someone whom it turns out was lying

Yes it's stealing but if the bills need paying and there was no other way I would have to do the same. He should have talked it through with you first though

Thanks @kateandme and @NukaColaGirl - I think with the way she has responded to your latest posts you've hit the nail on the head as to how she's feeling. He's always told her she was useless at anything she tried to put her hand to, so she ended up putting her career on hold to look after the kids. Now she feels like she has totally let them down too.

No one who hasn't suffered from it can understand just how much being in a relationship with an emotionally manipulative or abusive partner can leave you struggling to deal with things that appear straight forward to anyone else.

When you live with someone who gaslights you and convinces you that you are worthless you do really really believe it even if it doesn't seem reasonable to those on the outside looking in. You can be convinced that you've said things you never said, that you've done things you never did, that you are useless, have a rubbish memory, etc etc. If you haven't experienced this you really cannot understand what it is like!

Please stop blaming the OP's friend, I'm sure she feels shit enough about things without snippy comments and nastiness.

Legally it isn't stealing, the accounts were in the name of ""Mr Father O/A Child A"". The funds donor will have no legal joy I'm afraid. He is the account owner.

We had the same thread last week. Several of us with banking backgrounds corroborated that .

No. There is no snippy comments and nastiness as you call it. The git is the dh
This is not a blame thing,the wife needs to never be unfamiliar with finances again
That’s simply prudent and protective. And a skill to pass on to ones kids

I think your friend needs to very quickly separate finances and open her own account independently of her dh like tomorrow, ASAP. Poor woman.

@redastherose EXACTLY that. God I can’t even describe what a number my ExH did on me. Being told repeatedly by others that it was “obvious” and I was “stupid” only added to my pain and confusion.

I’m 2.5 years down the line now, I’m still discovering things I didn’t know about and I’m still a nervous wreck although much better than I was.

Solicitor is first port of call. Followed by a GP visit - for counselling, if it’s possible. I was pregnant when it all came out so my midwife handled all that sort of thing for me. Women’s Aid would be third on my list.

Sololictor,yes to get formal advice and overview of situation

Under these circumstances, yes.

Falling into circumstances that require money and using it after careful consideration and conversation and of course with a plan to repay it would be ok. This is clearly not what’s happened here.

@NukaColaGirl it's terrifying. They've been married for a decade. You think you know someone. "Gas lighting" is a new one for both of us but we just looked it up and she's upset again. The benefit of hindsight just equals more revelations and she's kicking herself for not having the sense to see this year's ago.

GPs are as you can imagine, devastated and they don't know the half of it. Yet.

Counselling sounds like a very good idea - I shall pass on the suggestion. She suffered massively with PND after her second so she is open to seeking this sort of support.

When I approached the bank they suggested I reported him to the police also.

@NukaColaGirl yes it's awful isn't it. I felt absolutely stupid for having been fooled by him for so many years. I really wish I'd known about mumsnet back then. All the cliche responses 'when someone shows you who they are believe it' 'believe the actions not the words' etc. I simply didn't know which way was up someday's because he had me so tied up in knots. It took our DD1 turning round one day and saying to him that he was a narcissist. I googled it and it was like playing red flag bingo! My ex is a covert narcissist so didn't fall into the wildly bragging more obvious and usual definition of narcissistic behaviour.

OP please tell your friend not to blame herself too much, it doesn't help anyone and it will only make her feel worse. Please do tell her to get some counselling because it really screws with your head when someone has done such a number on you and finding the right counsellor will be instrumental in her being able to come to terms with what has happened and helping her being able to cope with the fallout that's happening for both herself and her DC's.