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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to have a massive shouting fit at DH for his aggressive whilst drunk tendencies?

36 replies

VeddersSirens · 03/06/2018 09:04

I'm so fucked off. I posted last night about him going off on one about my DS eating his own fucking Chinese left overs - well that was only half of what went on.

Basically he'd been drinking stella. Started getting arsey earlier in the evening, sarcastic, one word answers etc. I was stroking the dog and asked "would you ever trust a dog 100%?" It was just general chit chat but he even turned that into an excuse to have a go, saying of course he'd trust HIS dog 100% and argued, rolled his eyes, shook his head etc when I said I wouldn't.
He started going on about stuff I'd done when I had a mental breakdown a couple of months back saying it was much more difficult for him, I embarrassed him etc etc
Then there was the Chinese takeaway incident, after that he started going on at me about demanding that DS bring his pots down "rather than letting him collect them up there like you always fucking do because you don't give a shit" etc etc - I told DS to bring his pots down, he did, DH then said "are you going to tell him to bring his fucking pots down or what?" I said "he has" so he started going on saying "what about his pots from the Chinese he's just taken up there? Tell you what, don't fucking bother and I won't bother either because you don't give a fuck so why should I" etc etc - his poor son (my DSS, 21) is sat next to him at the time looking uncomfortable.

I go to bed. I'm on quetiapine and posted a thread yesterday about not sleeping the night before, being up with nightmares all night etc so by last night I was exhausted. He knew about all this. I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow only to be shocked awake again at the sound of the news being played next to me from his fucking phone. Purposely done to wake me up. I said "what are you doing???" So he said "I'll turn it off when you tell your DS to turn his TV down". How fucking childish is that??? I couldn't even hear DSs TV.

So yeah today I'm feeling angry. I'm normally a quiet passive type but I feel like going nuclear on him. Fucking drinking every weekend, ending up like this, getting at me constantly. We both work yet I do dinner every night. I do 100% of the laundry, hoovering, bathrooms, bedroom, 100% of the shopping - yet whenever there is something I don't do (like collect pots from upstairs) he acts like I'm the laziest fucker in the world.

Yesterday I repainted the living room wall (after stripping the wallpaper by myself). He was meant to be fitting a new toilet. Instead he finished work at 1pm, played on the computer all afternoon and then declared he was too ill to do anything other than fall asleep on the sofa.

I'm actually starting to feel rage against him.

OP posts:
LaLaLanded · 03/06/2018 09:09

XDP used to get verbally aggressive when he was drunk. Red mist would descend, he’d pick fights. First it made me cry, then I learned to manage it.

Then I started to resent having to manage it. Long story short, I left him and an much happier. He was not generally like that, and when not drunk he was lovely. I just remembered every single time he did it, and was waiting for the next. Couldn’t spend my life waiting, any more.

LaLaLanded · 03/06/2018 09:09

Sorry - the point of my post! This would be a deal breaker for me in the end. He sounds a misery, OP.

Grumpyoldblonde · 03/06/2018 09:11

You'll get the same answer every time you post - get rid of this twat.

Userplusnumbers · 03/06/2018 09:13

Sounds awful OP. Rather than going nuclear, which it sounds like he's trying to goad you into so he'll have more examples of your 'completely unreasonable' behaviour, I'd pack a bag, my passport, and the funds fro the joint account and fuck off.

Original poster
VeddersSirens · 03/06/2018 09:13

When he isn't drinking he's nice (personality wise) but so fucking boring. All he ever wants to do is play on the computer or "nap" on the couch. Never wants to go out or do anything, has no hobbies. Every weekend is the same, he gets up on a Sunday at 11ish, puts radio 6 on (even though I hate it), makes bacon sandwiches for everyone and then plays on the computer.

Last night I forgot to order the groceries so I'll have to go to shop today - on my own, because god forbid he actually come with me. He'll say he needs to fit the toilet, so will play on the computer for the entire time I'm out and then will suddenly make a start on the toilet when I get back.

OP posts:
specialsubject · 03/06/2018 09:14

what do you get out of this 'relationship '? you are making your sons miserable, even at their age.

stop whining and take action.

CantankerousCamel · 03/06/2018 09:15

LTB He’ll only get worse

findthegap · 03/06/2018 09:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
VeddersSirens · 03/06/2018 09:18

No findthegap, we don't even have a box room so not sure what the references to me posting before are

OP posts:
Tartsamazeballs · 03/06/2018 09:18

Dude this isn't normal behaviour Sad. Run a mile!

Frosty66612 · 03/06/2018 09:20

This isn’t a happy relationship. I’d rather be single than be with someone who doesn’t positively add to my life in every way. The heavy drinking would be a deal breaker for me too, especially around the kids. All couples bicker now and again but this sounds completely toxic and you deserve much better than that

theWarOnPeace · 03/06/2018 09:20

He sounds nasty and has no apparent redeeming features?? Sounds like you’d be much happier alone.

FizzyGreenWater · 03/06/2018 09:20

DH not DP? Shame.

No point in going nuclear really. Use the energy to take your child out of this. He's a nasty, aggressive, abusive bully. Read your post back to yourself.

You haven't done or not done anything. ANYTHING. He bullies and attacks because that's who he is and that's what he likes doing, and when he's drunk the nice guy mask slips off. If there ever is much of a mask. Doesn't sound like it- you outline quite clearly how (all the time, when not pissed) he doesn't pull his fair weight, isn't part of the team, is lazy and entitled and chooses not to support you and looks for excuses to criticise you. That's him.

Your child will be damaged by this treatment, and also damaged by seeing you sit and take it. He'll carry it into his own relationships. Show him that bullies need leaving behind and cutting out.

And you. Do you want to live like this for the rest of your life? Do you want to grow old with a person like this? What happens when your son leaves home and visits for an hour a month because he can't stand the hectoring bully in the corner having a pop at him?

Leave.

BettyBaggins · 03/06/2018 09:23

Why are putting up with this emotional abuse?

Original poster
VeddersSirens · 03/06/2018 09:26

I wish he would just fuck off. We own the house jointly and it's upside down due to him starting jobs and never finishing them. Neither of us could realistically buy the other out so we'd need to sell it. He'd drag his heels and it would be months if not longer before we actually got anywhere. Just knowing what he's like for dragging shit on makes me feel sick at the thought of starting the process.

OP posts:
eightfacesofthemoon · 03/06/2018 09:34

You can drag this shit on forever or for a few months and then be free.

Frosty66612 · 03/06/2018 09:36

It’s better to have a stressful year of dealing with all this, than to carry it on forever and never be rid of the abusive prick.

Bibesia · 03/06/2018 09:42

Which makes you feel sicker, starting the process of leaving him, or thinking about spending the rest of your life dealing with this and, almost certainly, never having your son in your life again as soon as he is able to leave?

Userplusnumbers · 03/06/2018 09:46

He'd drag his heels and it would be months if not longer before we actually got anywhere. Just knowing what he's like for dragging shit on makes me feel sick at the thought of starting the process.

In that case OP, just suck it up and stay with him for the rest of your life. Definitely better than feeling a bit sick and a few months of heel dragging.

I'm being faceatious obvs, but it sounds like you know what you need to do, and I reckon you're about 95% of the way there OP. Good luck!

MoonsAndJunes · 03/06/2018 09:47

Make a plan to leave.
It'll be shit for a few months but work out in advance how you will handle it. If you do all the background work beforehand it will give you a head start as it sounds like he will try to make your life merry hell when you actually tell him you are leaving him.

Make lists/start putting back n place of all the things you need to organise - finances/living arrangemets etc.
Contact solicitors/citizens advice.

LTB

Raffles1981 · 03/06/2018 11:02

I don't see my mum because she chose her drunk, verbally abusive twat of a husband over us. She's lost her kids because she loves my step father so much. Just think about your life without your son. A few months of agony, is better than a lifetime wasted.

Aquamarine1029 · 03/06/2018 11:07

You are wasting your life on this useless man. And for what?

Original poster
VeddersSirens · 03/06/2018 11:10

Just remembered something else he did, he went and purposely left our bedroom door wide open all night when I'm the only female in a house full of blokes and sleep naked. Fucking tit, I'm so angry.

Just been looking on rightmove, the housing situation looks dire at the minute. But I get what everyone is saying, this can't go on.

OP posts:
AnduinsGirl · 03/06/2018 11:16

Life isn't meant to be be this miserable, OP.

LadyOdd · 03/06/2018 11:25

My mum was with a man like that, he sent me to bed once without dinner as When told to throw a crisp packet away as I was always f’ing leaving them around and I replied that it was actually his. His attitude really affected my life best to get out now, my mum did I years with him and I wish she had left him way before then!