Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Guests to wedding abroad

35 replies

Weddingissues · 02/06/2018 15:21

I'm a regular poster but have name changed.
Dp and I are getting married abroard next year.
Nothing is booked yet but we have decided to have a very small, intimate wedding in a beautiful location of our choice.
It will be a civil ceremony not in a church or chapel.
The only guests we want there and tbh we would be fine with having no guests and just the two of us going away, are our adult dc his mum and my mum. Plus dd1s fiancee.

My dd s have asked to be bridesmaids which I am happy with.
I have said their dresses will be low key and lightweight due to the hot weather. Probably not even bridesmaid dresses . My dress will be sold in tea length dress.

The issue is this. Future mil has asked if that dps niece be a bridesmaid.
Now apart from the fact that she isn't invited, she will be the only child there and is quite immature and demanding.

Dp is not on speaking terms with his sister ( the nieces mother) and so his mum has said she is will pay and look after dn.
Dp is happy for dn to come but I'm not so sure.

Aibu in thinking it's cheeky to ask to be a bridesmaid or am I being selfish.
It's our second wedding and I've never asked for my dcs to be bridesmaids/paigeboys.

OP posts:
MrsBartlettforthewin · 02/06/2018 15:27

Not unusual for people to assume nieces will be bridesmaids ( happened to us, Mil assuming that the 2 year olds would be great and so cuteHmm I agreed purely to keep the peace but then their parents were there to look after them on the day)

How old is DN? Do think it is strange as your DP doesn't talk to his sister. Does he even know his DN? Will mil actually look after her or will your adult DDs be expected to entertain?

Bluelady · 02/06/2018 15:29

Say yes and you've opened the floodgates. I'd say no if I were you.

Original poster
Weddingissues · 02/06/2018 15:55

Dp is fine with it but I feel it's my choice who , if anybody, I have as bridesmaids.
Like I said I've never asked fortune to be bridesmaids.
Dp has only recently fallen out with his sister as she lent a lot of money from him promising to pay it back. Now that he had asked her to start repaying it, she inherited enough to do so, she has gone non contact with him.
She won't be coming to the wedding as she would have to firstly repay the thousands of pounds she owes him .
Dn has been a. Bridesmaid before and quite frankly I don't want our intimate wedding to be a free for all.
She also has a sister and brother and her brother also owes dp money so we don't want him there either.

OP posts:
DickensianHysteric · 02/06/2018 16:00

YANBU. Just explain to MIL nicely that DN can't be a bridesmaid as she's not invited.

Caribou58 · 02/06/2018 16:02

Say yes and you've opened the floodgates. I'd say no if I were you.

This.

Your wedding - which you've explained clearly is to be low-key and very small - is already under pressure of subversion by one of the few guests you're having.

It's your wedding. It's your choice. Really DO NOT give in.

kissthealderman · 02/06/2018 16:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LexieLulu · 02/06/2018 16:06

This is a definite no! You need to tell MIL and SIL now before it gets planned over you!

Piffle11 · 02/06/2018 16:10

I'd be very careful about agreeing to this. You get to pick your bridesmaids, you don't get them picked for you. The problem with her being the only child there is that she is likely to get very bored, which may lead to tantrums. You say she's demanding - will MIL really be ok with looking after her on her own the whole trip? My MIL was a great one for bringing her other GC to family events and then she would be off enjoying herself and leave the child to whoever was around. I would say no.

bonnyshide · 02/06/2018 16:10

YANBU

Just explain to mil that she isn't invited, only immediate family (adults) are invited.

It's not as if you just need to put up with her for the ceremony it'll be the whole trip abroad.

If SIL had paid your DP back the money she owes him, then perhaps you could be a bit more flexible, but under these circumstances a definite no.

Lucisky · 02/06/2018 16:12

You don't have to explain yourself, just say no. Or say you are not having bridesmaids. It doesn't sound like you planned to have any until your d's asked anyway. Sounds a bit of a situation what with the money not being paid back. It is your special day, have it how you want, otherwise you will be simmering with resentment at what should be a happy and memorable time.

pigsDOfly · 02/06/2018 16:26

It's the brides who chooses the bride's maids - clues in the name - so DP's mother doesn't get to make that choice.

Having your own DDs as bride's maid is your choice. Why would you want a child you don't know thrown into the mix.

Perfectly reasonable to tell future MIL that it's an adult only wedding and as a child she isn't invited.

Rafflesway · 02/06/2018 16:46

Tell MIL you are having a child-free wedding or, better still, can you book it for an adult only hotel. Grin

Seriously though, I agree with everyone else. Just say no! It would change the ambiance of the wedding from what you both have chosen and the youngster will probably be a PITA from reading your OP.

Please keep us posted.

Original poster
Weddingissues · 02/06/2018 16:52

Thank you.
Tbh I was caught off guard when she asked, she asked dp, not me, and then when I must have looks shocked at him he said mil said she'd pay and look after her, but mil will be 78 and has mobility issues!!!! That's not the point either. I would not dream of suggesting my dcs be bridesmaids for dps sister.

Wasn't sure if I'm being to previous but it's made me feel quite pissed off if I'm honest as like I said I don't want my wedding to be a free for all.
When dp asked me to marry him I agreed on the proviso that I did not want any fuss and no big reception.

OP posts:
Original poster
Weddingissues · 02/06/2018 16:52

Precious not previous.

OP posts:
pigsDOfly · 02/06/2018 16:57

Well given your update OP there's no way that MIL is going to be able to look after an annoying demanding child.

Just say NO very firmly.

FASH84 · 02/06/2018 16:58

Just say it's an adult only holiday

Graphista · 02/06/2018 17:08

Could mil also be assuming sil would LET her take your dp's niece away for this anyway? Seeing as she's the one that's gone nc?

Either way it would be a big fat NO from me.

Not only because she wasn't originally invited and sounds like hard work.

A child to an adult only event massively changes the dynamic AND You'll then get "why wasn't I invited?!" From all sorts!

No! draw a line

QueenOfMyWorld · 02/06/2018 17:14

Tell her you're booking an adult only wedding. Nip It in the bud asap

Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname · 02/06/2018 17:14

Before you know it mil will be suggesting she +dn bunk up in your honeymoon suite!!
Sorry but adults only you cf should be your response.

Whereisthecoffee · 02/06/2018 17:19

Yanbu with your update too. Guaranteed you will end up looking after her. The sun can be difficult for the elderly your mil may want /need rests.

LineysSummerMonths · 02/06/2018 17:24

I'd say No, too.

It'll put the mockers on the whole thing, logistically, financially, and probably emotionally. There will be stresses and strains that you'll get dragged into, about costs, accommodation, passports, roles, food choices, blah blah blah, not just your DP. You'll argue over it, your MIL will cry or get pissed off, you'll be fed up, and you'll probably wish you'd said No from the start.

My 'future MiL' would be told No though by DP. I don't quite understand why yours didn't say No straight away. Or at the very least, 'I'll have to talk about it with fiancee and get back to you, but you it's not that kind of wedding really'.

Laiste · 02/06/2018 17:25

Yeah, say no.

If the niece is young then your best and simplest excuse (if you don't want to be as blunt to your MIL to be as 'the niece is not invited') is 'no, sorry, because it's a child free wedding for our immediate family only.

I recon the MIL has engineered this one. Quite possibly only with nice intentions.

RumAppleGinger · 02/06/2018 17:25

The thing I would worry about is, she says she will look after her but will she really? When you and any other adult guests are enjoying a drink and an afternoon nap in the sun is it likely that your MIL will suggest you all pitch in to look after DN?

I am guessing this will not only be your wedding but also your honeymoon? You are allowed to enjoy that without being responsible for a child, especially when that child isn't yours!

TheCraicDealer · 02/06/2018 17:27

No, tell her to jog on! Having a child there (one you're obviously not dying about especially) will completely ruin the dynamic of the event and indeed entire trip. Tell FMIL you've thought about it and decided that you're sticking to the original plan of immediate family only. And if she gives it "But DNeice is FAAAAAAMILY" you simply need to say that it's an adult event, you only want DMums and DCs there and that's your final decision.

RumAppleGinger · 02/06/2018 17:28

Book an adult only hotel. Problem solved.