To live between two places

downbutnotout2018 · 2018-06-02T11:57:00+00:00

Recently got a job 3 hrs away from 'home' so have rented a small place there (no garden) and work there in the week, with the kids (DD, 7 and DD 4) in school in the new place in the week, then travel 'home' whenever we can at weekends (3 hrs on a Friday night and back again another 3 hours on a Sunday). Is this is confusing lifestyle for kids - and am I stopping them from forming real roots in each place, or is this ok do you think?

Heroo · 02/06/2018 12:58

Why don’t you properly love to the new place and get family Home there? This sounds rubbish really.

steff13 · 02/06/2018 12:59

How long do you plan on doing this? Why not stay in the new place full-time?

TheStoic · 02/06/2018 13:00

It won’t be ideal once they start having birthday parties to go to, or want to do weekend activities with their school friends.

But it won’t be doing them irreparable damage. It sounds like you’re working hard for their benefit.

angelopal · 02/06/2018 13:01

What about friendships from new area school? They will not be able to socialise at the weekend.

This sounds tough on everyone long term.

dlnex · 02/06/2018 13:02

who is at home that you need to go and see?

Glumglowworm · 02/06/2018 13:02

Six hours travelling every weekend is a lot, especially for such young children

Don’t they miss out on friends’ parties and activities on weekends?

If the move is temporary then fair enough to keep ties in both places, but if it’s a permanent move I think you’d be better staying in the new place most of the time and going home maybe once a month if youve family and friends there. Do you have space for them to stay with you so you’re not always the ones travelling?

dlnex · 02/06/2018 13:03

can they not visit you?

SensoryOverlord · 02/06/2018 13:04

It sounds very unsettled - if your new rented place is not as nice then it's just like camping all week to travel for hours back for only two days.

As your dc get older they won't be able to go to any parties with friends or anything.

Pick a place you want to live and live there.

Original poster

downbutnotout2018 · 02/06/2018 13:07

I suppose my heart is firmly in the old place. All our friends and family are in the 'old' place, and I keep wanting to go back for the fresh air and relaxation (rural location, new place is in a small city). It's tricky because I don't want the kids to think all this back and forth is normal, but work is in the new place, my heart is in the old!

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Original poster

downbutnotout2018 · 02/06/2018 13:09

(and work opportunities in the old place are not there right now - I'm in a specialist field), also DCs have strong friendships in the old place, so we come back to visit them too...

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HollyBollyBooBoo · 02/06/2018 13:11

Isn't it just like having a weekend home in the country? Surely no big deal?

NerrSnerr · 02/06/2018 13:12

I think you need to give the new place a proper go. Are you planning on having your children miss out on parties and things? We've moved a few time, for me home is where my immediate family is.

LIZS · 02/06/2018 13:13

Ime your dc will never properly settle or make friends if they view the move as temporary. What are your plans for school holidays if you are working? Find a property which suits you better in new place and stay with family or friends occasionally.

WeAreGerbil · 02/06/2018 13:15

How long is the job likely to last? I think your 7 yo is getting to the age they might miss out. Can you settle somewhere nice outside the city?

Original poster

downbutnotout2018 · 02/06/2018 13:17

job is technically permanent, but it feels like I might 'burn out' in couple of years, so I guess I'm hedging my bets.

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Bellabutterfly2016 · 02/06/2018 13:42

I know a lady who did this and it became a nightmare so in the end she got a nanny, woke up mega early Monday and stopped over on her own mo monday, Tuesday, came home Wednesday night stayed Thursday and came back Friday

The novelty wore off after 5-6 months and she quit.

I know her quite well she lives afew doors down and she'll tell you it was a mistake but as a single parent she thought it was a good opportunity to provide for her children as the job was well-paid

X

Original poster

downbutnotout2018 · 02/06/2018 13:44

That's very interesting Bella, what did she do next, after she quit?

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Highhorse1981 · 02/06/2018 13:45

Unappealing
I would not put my children through this back and forth every weekend

HellenaHandbasket · 02/06/2018 13:51

Why not swap? Get a decent sized house near work and a holiday let style property in old place.

Bellabutterfly2016 · 02/06/2018 15:42

*Downbutnotout2018 (op)
*
She had a bit of money put away and then took a less well paid job not in her field 5 miles down the job and came to the conclusion family time was more important. She worked in pharmaceuticals but took a job at the local hospital and she got some tax credits which helped bridge the gap a bit.

It's tough in a couple never mind as a single parent - everyone always tries to do their best but sometimes these ideas don't go to plan with the best will in the world.

She says now it was a huge mistake but she just saw poundsigns thinking about providing well for her kids.

Kids are only little once - we can all work more hours and earn a bit more when they're older.

X

Original poster

downbutnotout2018 · 02/06/2018 15:45

yes, I empathise with your friend Bella, also thiking the same, they are so precious now, why am I doing all this when I could take a job close to home, or work for myself and get tax credits (I don't have any savings though!)

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Bellabutterfly2016 · 02/06/2018 16:35

Downbutnotout2018
It's so hard these days - even the basics are expensive.
I've just been made redundant and citizens advice were brilliant - they gave me some great advice about things and it might be worth investigating other options before up-rooting everyone.

I was quite well paid for 24 hrs a week and was thinking I'd have to work full time to anywhere near match it but if you earn less you pay less tax and can get some tax credits too and - not in my case but as a single parent my friend gets a percentage towards her childcare bill too, (with an offstead registered provider)

My friend honestly thought it would be ok, it wasn't, she even paid a nanny for a 3 month stint and although the nanny was absolutely lovely it didn't work hence why she quit.

Her ex husband is about as much use as a chocolate teapot - he floats between his brothers bar in Spain and his parents house here and some Months sends money (anywhere between £0-2000 depending on how his poka habit is going) so better some months so she's very much on her own with it and felt "as the provider" it was worth it.

On the plus side if you have no savings you get some help with rent, council tax, child tax, working tax, job seekers etc etc....
if you own your house they don't help towards the mortgage but they do with the other bits.

Write down a list of pro's and con's and go on www.gov.uk onto the tax credits calculator see what you'd get.

Don't do anything in a rush xx

Bellabutterfly2016 · 02/06/2018 16:43

Downbutnotout2018
It's so hard these days - even the basics are expensive.
I've just been made redundant and citizens advice were brilliant - they gave me some great advice about things and it might be worth investigating other options before up-rooting everyone.

I was quite well paid for 24 hrs a week and was thinking I'd have to work full time to anywhere near match it but if you earn less you pay less tax and can get some tax credits too and - not in my case but as a single parent my friend gets a percentage towards her childcare bill too, (with an offstead registered provider)

My friend honestly thought it would be ok, it wasn't, she even paid a nanny for a 3 month stint and although the nanny was absolutely lovely it didn't work hence why she quit.

Her ex husband is about as much use as a chocolate teapot - he floats between his brothers bar in Spain and his parents house here and some Months sends money (anywhere between £0-2000 depending on how his poka habit is going) so better some months so she's very much on her own with it and felt "as the provider" it was worth it.

On the plus side if you have no savings you get some help with rent, council tax, child tax, working tax, job seekers etc etc....
if you own your house they don't help towards the mortgage but they do with the other bits.

Write down a list of pro's and con's and go on www.gov.uk onto the tax credits calculator see what you'd get.

Don't do anything in a rush xx

Teacakesrule · 02/06/2018 19:03

I don’t think YABU but we are about to do exactly the same thing. The move will be for about two years and I’m not prepared to give up my lovely home which we have spent a fortune on for the sake of two years, plus our DC loves to see and spend time with our extended family so we want to be able to go ‘home’ at least every other weekend.

Nixen · 02/06/2018 19:08

That seems like half a life to me. Either move and commit or don’t