to report my neighbour?

[problemwithaneighbour1223]

Need some advice from the knowledgable people of MN.

I have name changed as this is potentially outing in RL.

I live about 5 doors down from a lady with very "alternative" parenting and we are vastly different in personality. I only know her to say hello to in passing, we both have DC and I think she is neglecting hers but on a more minor level.

My youngest DC is the same age as hers (around 2). I have had issues with anxiety so do tend to be more of the overprotective type hence why I cannot work out whether this "neglect" warrants me mentioning to a HV or SS.

She allows her 2 yo to scoot along very fast, ahead of her and crosses the road without looking (mum not in sight), I regularly see the DC out in the car napping alone (with car doors or windows open), I know this is for extended periods as opposed to running in the house as I've walked dog and back and still seen them there (30 mins - hour).

Yesterday I saw her cross the road alone (I was driving up the road), then by the time I got to her house she was out of sight, presumably inside the house over the road, and the two DCs were standing on the pavement alone with only nappies and T-shirts whilst it was spitting with rain.

We are polar opposites in that she is quite a hippy, very relaxed in her parenting and laid back and I am quite the opposite but I can just see so many dangerous scenarios waiting to happen.

I forgot to add - when the DCs were stood in the rain I parked a little way up and she returned in about a minute but in that time I had passed in a car and they were v close to the road and alone - it really worried me.

That would be, in my view, neglectful. A child in nappies by the side of the road alone is very dangerous indeed.

I suppose its more of a question of what do I do? She seems a loving mum and very hands on with the children so SS seems extreme but her "relaxed" attitude just seems to be getting more dangerous. I was thinking I'd mention it to a HV as she'd come under the same one and they may be able to broach the subject with her??

I think if you have concerns then you should report it . It is then up to the professionals to decide if the children are in danger and if they are not then no harm is done .

The leaving them in nappies at the side of the road doesn't sound great and neither does allowing a 2 year old to cross the road by themselves. My 3 year old is quite aware but gets distracted easily I never would let her out of my sight by a road. Toddlers are not known for their brilliant danger awareness. I would report, if there is nothing to worry about then nothing will happen.

I’d report it, if you didn’t and something happened that would obviously be a lot worse than reporting it and it being nothing x

You could contact the NSPCC for advice? They have statutory powers like SS and can advise you/intervene if they feel it's appropriate.

Yeah, I'd have a chat with someone about that, OP, you're not overreacting here and you sound just normal kind and cautious and that sounds to me like neglectful behaviour, for all that she may love her kids and not intend it someone needs to check that she's not actually putting them in danger and maybe help her to see where she needs to take better care of them.

So hard to make these kind of decisions and feel ok about it.

Yes, I think the toddler danger awareness for me is a big deal as my youngest is about the same age and I still insist he holds my hands/on reins when we are near roads and would only let him scoot "ahead" if in my eye sight and on say a field or walkway away from dangers like roads/water etc.

I know there are different levels of parenting and some are a lot less or more but I don't think I'd even trust my 5yo next to a road without me there, it only takes a cat or dog or something on the other side of the road to excite them and make them forget to keep still. Our road is not a main road but it is on a bend and many drivers go pretty fast down it.

You should report it as a concern to SS who will investigate. This may be an indication of something deeper going on maybe with her health for example undiagnosed depression and you will be helping her. You will find the details on the council website & you can phone or email your concern.

Scooting ahead, I think it’s shit parenting but lots of people do it. Outside in nappies, in the rain, by a road? No, that’s not alternative parenting. That’s no parenting. Call NSPCC they’ll be able to talk things through with you. That way you’ve done your bit.

how old is the older one

I’d speak to Nspcc. If it’s considered to be ok then that would be from someone more knowledgeable. If you didn’t act, and something happened, you’d find it hard to live with. That isn’t to say their care is your responsibility but caring about children’s welfare is everyone’s responsibility.

Is she checking the road and then sending her child across when it's safe? If that's what's happening then it's old fashioned, perhaps (was normal for me and my cousins growing up), but not exactly neglectful (imo - I'm aware that today's standards are different).

Also, letting a child sleep on in the car is again normal to me, but my parents were luckier than their peers in that they could pick us up and carry us in without waking us. If your child wakes, then I can see why you'd think it's better to let them sleep.

It’s only “alternative” in as much that it’s an alternative to being a good parent. I have to say something because if something happened I couldn’t have that on my conscience

Please find the courage to speak to someone. You could call the NSPCC. Or if you google, you'll be able to find the number for children's social services in your area.

If you're hesitating, ask yourself this. How would you feel if this toddler was hit by a car, and you'd known it could happen, and not tried to help?

Is she checking the road and then sending her child across when it's safe? If that's what's happening then it's old fashioned, perhaps (was normal for me and my cousins growing up), but not exactly neglectful (imo - I'm aware that today's standards are different)

No, I drove past, as I got into the car she crossed the road alone but by the time I drove past and parked up a bit higher up the road the mother was out of sight presumably in a house.

I think they are either non-identical twins or less than a year apart, both look under 3.

In terms of the sleeping in a car my toddler often falls asleep in the car so I pull up and let him sleep but I always stay in the car I wouldn't leave him alone unattended while I went indoors.

Wait so a two year old crosses the road alone on a scooter? That does sound incredibly dangerous. I would speak to someone and seek advice.

I’m fairly relaxed. I would let my children do some of those things. Crossing a road that young without help would be a no from me though. I would leave children in the car sleeping as long as no risk from overheating and I can check on them (my child is parked right outside my lounge window). Again I let my children play out underdressed for the weather if they wish. If we are out and about I take extra clothes in case they change their minds.

I’m going against the grain here. While I think it’s not great and neglectful, I’m very aware of how stretched social services are. They are fighting a losing battle trying to protect children from serious violence and sexual abuse. They haven’t got time to protect the most vulnerable kids as it is. If the kids are loved, fed and not being beaten, I’d keep my beak out to give the worst off kids a fighting chance of getting the help they need.

Not ideal but it’s the reality.

Teas this was my thoughts too.. they seem happy relaxed kids and she seems v hands on she just seems to have a very lax view on safety...

I was thinking more of reporting to a HV rather than SS, but would a HV have to report to SS anyway??

Do people even still have contact with a health visitor at 2-3 years old? I don't think I saw mine after I went back to work when DC was 4 months old. I would worry about them being out by themselves and the road issue, but can't you just speak to her about it?

You are covered by the HV until around 5, in our area we have a 2 year check, then a "pre school" visit but always available if you have any concerns.

We don't talk other than in passing and very different so I don't feel I could just go up and say xyz is dangerous etc. without coming across as patronising. She is also a lot older than me.

I literally almost vomited on the spot when my neighbour brought my then 2 year old back from outside the front of the house - his older brother (5) had opened the door for him. I can’t imagine doing this at all.

These children seem vulnerable, if they are 2 years old they will be traffic accident statistics.

I would imagine if a police patrol car was passing then they'd be having words with her if they spotted the kids and I'd imagine they'd contact ss but I could be wrong.