to report my neighbour?

[problemwithaneighbour1223]

Need some advice from the knowledgable people of MN.

I have name changed as this is potentially outing in RL.

I live about 5 doors down from a lady with very "alternative" parenting and we are vastly different in personality. I only know her to say hello to in passing, we both have DC and I think she is neglecting hers but on a more minor level.

My youngest DC is the same age as hers (around 2). I have had issues with anxiety so do tend to be more of the overprotective type hence why I cannot work out whether this "neglect" warrants me mentioning to a HV or SS.

She allows her 2 yo to scoot along very fast, ahead of her and crosses the road without looking (mum not in sight), I regularly see the DC out in the car napping alone (with car doors or windows open), I know this is for extended periods as opposed to running in the house as I've walked dog and back and still seen them there (30 mins - hour).

Yesterday I saw her cross the road alone (I was driving up the road), then by the time I got to her house she was out of sight, presumably inside the house over the road, and the two DCs were standing on the pavement alone with only nappies and T-shirts whilst it was spitting with rain.

We are polar opposites in that she is quite a hippy, very relaxed in her parenting and laid back and I am quite the opposite but I can just see so many dangerous scenarios waiting to happen.

HV would have a chat with them then report to SS if they felt it reached the threshold for intervention. However, as much as it’s not nice to say, HV will report things that ‘should’ be a concern for SS but SS are swimming under a tide of things that ‘absolutely MUST’ be a priority so don’t have the time for the ‘shoulds’. This is compounded by the unbelievably high incidents of false reporting from bitter ex partners, ex partners families and neighbour disputes that SS HAVE to follow up.

Obviously it depends where you live, but unless you are very rural, the chances are the overworked, underfunded social services are struggling to keep some seriously endangered children safe so I’d be reluctant to involve HV as they have an obligation to contact SS if there is low level neglect.

I think if people realised how low the bar has to be before SS stepped in and took serious action they’d be surprised. That said, a word from the HV may just embarrass her enough to stop without making a referral so it might be worth a shot.

It’s tricky.

Teasndtoast, surely these children are also at risk - they could be hit by a vehicle - which is every bit as important as a serious violence to another child. A visit from SS to help steer the parents towards a more safety conscious attitude to their children would be worthwhile?

In your circumstances OP, I would do it. Because at the moment SS is unaware of the dangers they are in, even if their home life is loving rather than abusive...

In our area the HVs now cover birth to 19 (previously birth to school) so they'd certainly be interested in a 3-4yo.

I also think it's kind to speak to HV team who are best placed to do a casual catchup call (plus visit if agreed) to see if the parents are struggling and to offer appropriate local support.

I suppose I'm hoping that if a HV either visited or called and said something like..
"A neighbour/local person contacted us and had concerns of blah blah blah...", that she may have a lightbulb moment that yes that is silly and dangerous or may explain as to why it was necessary/an emergency and be explained the dangers if she is completely unaware etc.

I think if I were to approach her out of the blue I'd look like an anxious mum or busybody and she would just ignore the comments.

If I completely ignore it I'm terrified something will happen and I will forever carry the guilt that I may have been able to stop it.

So health visitor is probably best. That way you’ve spoke out and with any luck, a word from the HV will be enough to shock her into making changes before SS are asked to step in.

I would just speak to her myself tbh.
More chance of that getting anywhere than ringing SS on her. They really wont get involved just because someones not holding their childs hand across the road. Ive known some pretty extreme (what seemed extreme to me) cases where SS have said they dont need to be involved.
So I seriously doubt theyd bother with this very low key stuff.
If you are worried I think you should just say something to her in a non aggressive manner.
As you say that she seems like a loving mother in other ways perhaps she will actually take what you are saying on board.
It also seems a bit underhand to report someone that you think is a loving mother to social services without warning when maybe the situation could be resolved by you just expressing concern?

I’d say the leaving alone/by the road thing is HV worthy to start with. See what happens.

The nappy thing? Depends how it is. My toddler was out in the pissing rain in just a nappy whilst I sat inside (door open) watching.... because that’s what they wanted to do.

As a whole picture it looks like the mother has some issues parenting.

Call 101. They will increase patrol in that area and then if they spot anything, they will go speak to the mother and give her a gentle warning

@problemwithaneighbour1223

sickof The Police will not increase patrols for this at all and it’s not a police matter so phoning 101 isn’t appropriate. HV is the most appropriate course of action here.

call 101

SickofPeterRabbit
Call 101. They will increase patrol in that area

huh? No they won't.

To be honest, she's a bit too relaxed, and you say you're a bit anxious. The 2 combined are probably explosive.

I can see the dangers, but I don't think anything will happen whoever you report it to. Its just not enough to register on the scale.

Could you strike up a conversation with her, and then comment on how brave she is letting her children do xyz..... that would at least tell what her children are doing when she's not looking, and she may be utterly horrified!