To think I'm going to be fired!

[kjdtb]

I started a new job in March. In the past I've been a shy person but I felt I'd definitely improved on this in my working life.

But in this new job I'm really struggling to fit in. I try and make conversations with colleagues and talk to them over lunch, but I'm getting a really strange vibe. The answers I get are always short and one worded, and it's obvious they don't want me there. When I'm there they fall silent and I see them exchange looks with each other before going on their phones (to message each other?) They all have their own 'groups' they sit with at lunch etc, and it's clear I'm not welcome and don't fit in with any of them

But the problem is, the managers have started to notice this and think there's a problem with me. They have spoken to me to voice concerns about me not mixing, and are behaving as if I have an issue. I've said everything is fine, but I'm growing concerned. I'm obviously on probation and me not fitting in with the team could be an excuse to get rid of me. I always speak to colleagues and go to out of hours events, but it's not working

I guess I'd just like some advice. I've had a shit few months and losing the job would be awful for me right now

Stand your ground and hang in there. Don't make this about 'you' if at all possible, don't make this about being shy, or anything to do with you. Stay as detached as you can about the overall situation, but keep gently trying to stay open to your colleagues, smile, chat, that is clearly all you can do. If it doesn't work then at least you will know that you have done everything you can. If they get rid of you because of it, then it sounds like a lucky escape from where I'm sitting, but I know that is phenomenally easy for me to say because I'm not you.
Good luck!!

Carry on trying to be friendly. When you make a cuppa, ask if anyone else wants one. Offer round biscuits or fruit. Compliment someone on their outfit. Ask if anyone's watching

The managers should be encouraging the existing staff to mix with the new person, not the other way around.

May be think of getting out? Can you contact an agency?

it isnt a fair situation. i dont know why your collegues are behaving like that but it is very hurting.
continue your being polite and nice but when managers approach you about this dont take the blame on yourself, you have to tell them they are unwelcoming and you are very uncomfortable and upset about that. you have to tell someone maybe HR department. thats isolating and bullying as well.

Start by trying to pick one person that you have something in common with to 'befriend'. Once one of the group accepts you, you will find that the others slowly come around. It's shit that this cliquey behaviour goes on in the workplace.

I think they sound like a bunch of utter cunts to be honest. Can you look for another job? Not to suit them, but so that you can be somewhere that you may be happier?

Sounds like bullying op. That's really stressful for you.

Did you make it clear when the manager spoke to you that the problem is on their side not yours? That you are making very effort but your colleagues are unresponsive and seem determined to shut you out? As a PP has said, the onus is on them to be welcoming to a new member of the team. Is there some backstory perhaps - you got the job one of their friends/family also applied for?

I work in a large office and in a team of about 10 people. We would never dream of treating someone new like that! OP carry on doing what you’re doing and make sure that your actual job and what you’re completing doesn’t give them cause for concern. Document everything and, if they try to fire you, on the basis of what you’ve said on here I would be straight away looking at unfair dismissal

Tbh I'd straight out ask if they've got a problem with me. 🤷‍♀️

Sounds like a shitty place to work, tbh.

I don't think you should have to bend over backwards to fit in with existing staff. The existing staff should be making an effort to include you, and managers should be facilitating that/ensuring that.

I would explain to the managers what has been going on and ask them if they can shed any light on it?

Sounds pretty crap - not a nice place to work.

Blimy they sound like they are in the playground, and very hard work. Surely the managers should be trying to maintain team cohesion, through team building, not expecting you to take the brunt of it. After all there is only so much you can do.

I agree with happy, I would ask to see the managers, and voice your concerns. I think their behaviour, by shutting you out, and treating you like that, is a exclusion and a form of bullying. Mabey one of them wanted your role, and diden't get it.

Were your colleagues like this right from the beginning? As in, do you think they were being rude to you for reasons outside your control (like they wanted your job, or you replaced a colleague they liked)?

Or did this develop over time and were initially okay? In which case do you think there's a chance you've inadvertently said or done something to upset them?

@kjdtb Workplace cliques are a known problem, and good managers use strategies to stop them forming. They dont blame the new person for being left out.

Talk to ACAS and get some advice.

Can you start looking around for another job - sign up with an agency - but tell them not to ask for reference from your job just yet - so you have an exit plan if it turns out badly after probation?

Who is the office beloved/big cheese can you do some of the things Emmageddon suggested and target them first with the charm offensive? Don't hide away - walk in each morning and smile at everyone - ask people if they had a good journey - be shameless - compliment a cardi, ask where someone got their bag, ask about their Dc and listen to their speel etc maybe ask for some help with a small task (even if you don't need it) so you can interact, thank the person and make them feel good. Even though they all sound like c*s. Pretend you are an actress playing a super friendly role. But do you really want to stay somewhere that seems so unfriendly?

It's crap that after having such a bad time lately you have to deal with this when you are not on your top game.

I recently worked in an environment just like this. I'm very much a 'head down and do the work' kind of person. I work my arse off. I also like to get out on my lunch hour, get some fresh air, go for a walk. I was repeatedly laughed at for this. Mocked by loads of colleagues, called weird and crazy for going out walking even when it was drizzling/snowing/icy.

My team leaders often commented on the fact that I wasn't as 'chatty' as my other team members. I remember one Friday afternoon, making a joke, and the team leader being all 'gasp. She speaks! It's not like you to talk, you're normally so buried in your work'. Well yeah. I was there to work. I was by far the most productive member of my team.

Sorry, that was all about me and this is your thread, kjdtb. I don't know what to advise you, but just want you to know that I completely understand what you're going through, and I can relate. It's shite. Office work can very much revolve around the canteen and the tea and coffee breaks (another thing they thought me a weirdo for, I don't drink tea or coffee, and this was commented on every single time people went on a tea or coffee break.)

It's horrible. I ended up leaving. The pressure to be someone I wasn't, to be some social butterfly, was crippling.

OP I had this when I first started in my last job.
Noticed my colleague looking at the other member of the team and caught her eyerolling
So I said oh did I say something daft there -what with you eyerolling me ?
They never did it again.
I wouldnt go in super friendly but be polite,work hard and challenge their behaviour directly.
If you are super friendly it gives them an opportunity to put you down /ignore etc

That is awful OP. Sounds like a toxic workplace, they are bullying you and management are blaming you for it. Completely unfair.

Go back to your manager. Ask them for advice and support. They should be helping you to integrate. Email them saying you have thought about what they said about you mixing and that you are using the techniques you usually use eg chatting, sitting with them, attending events, etc. since the manager doesn't think they've been successful, what could they suggest eg are there team building initiatives?

Also, you seem to be guessing that they're messaging each other. That seems a bit paranoid. Perhaps your anxiety around integrating is having a negative effect which is all the more reason to ask the manager what schemes they have to support new staff eg buddy system; shadowing, etc.

Sorry meant to add
In the end I stayed a year and then got anither job and left.
They were a toxic team and new comers were always treated like this.
Its not YOU,its them

Definitely get your CV up to date regardless; I don’t think they’ll get rid of you, but they may extend your probation. Besides which, do you really want to work in a place where they’re like this to you?

I know how it feels. At the beginning of this year I was going through a really rough time; my MIL (half my childcare) fell seriously ill and was off for 10 weeks, the boiler went bang, my DH (contractor) was given an ultimatum and left his job, and then out of nowhere my absolute shit of a manager extended my probation for reasons that I could easily prove wrong through emails and meeting notes. It was ridiculous. I started to fight it via HR, who took it very seriously. However, I took a long hard look at the situation and decided that if I was already having problems that it was better to cut my losses sooner rather than later.

I had another job inside a month, and then put my notice in. My manager was gobsmacked and I still have the voice recording (after my probation meeting where he’d been extremely aggressive, I was advised to not be alone in a room with him and to record conversations if necessary). It’s the voice of a bully who has overplayed his hand, and who will have some difficult questions to answer. His begging for me to stay was extremely satisfying.

I didn’t found out until I left that he was absolutely notorious throughout the industry, I’ve actually had people where I work now come and say ‘oh my God, you worked for X!?’

It felt like the world was against me, it really did. But you can do this OP. You can turn it back round. Don’t leave until you’ve secured another job, but secure that other job and drop that bunch of twats right in the shit. You won’t regret it. No one deserves to have to spend their days off worrying about work.

Do you think that perhaps you have tried a little bit too hard to fit in? Or maybe you replaced someone who they all loved and hey find it hard to accept you?

I worked at a similar place and it took ages for me to be accepted. I just had to be myself, show I worked hard and was part of the team and slowly I was incorporated into the group.