Don’t think I want to go on this holiday now

[Renardo]

I’m currently 16 weeks pregnant with my first baby after a very long journey of IVF, loss and disappointment. My husband and I are cautiously happy now I’m just in the second trimester but taking nothing for granted. He has a business with his best friend and they need to sort out some changes, technology etc however it’s quite difficult as he doesn’t live in the same part of the country as is. So the three of us decided to treat ourselves to a nice holiday abroad, where we’ll rent a house with a pool and literally just chill for a week - we thought it would serve as a bit of a baby moon for myself and my husband as well while they can get the work done together. We did invite a few other friends but none can make the dates but the three of us are close and as it’s not a party holiday we were all looking forward to just relaxing and catching up.

Except...just today the friend announces that he’s seeing a new girl, it’s been less than two weeks and he reckons he’s bringing her on the holiday. I don’t know if I’m hormonally emotional or what but it’s completely ruined the whole idea for me. I just can’t be arsed spending the holiday with a stranger. Especially as it’s just the four of us and they’ll be doing their work during the day so I’ll be expected to entertain her. I’m sure she’s lovely but I’ll be six month pregnant almost by the time it comes around, I want to feel comfortable. This mate has a history of foisting his out of nowhere serious relationships on us, we’d one come to our wedding and he just finished with another a couple of months ago who came and stayed at our house more than once, (that was particularly intense because he also took on her two children and from day one was acting like their dad, only to break up with her once we’d all become friends)and I’ve never once complained about him forcing us into these horrible fake intimate situations where we all know (except the girl) that it will probably be sacked off sooner rather than later. My husband annoyed me by not immediately saying “no, let’s not go on holidays with people you’ve just met” so now it’ll be a big issue if we’ve to turn around and say it’s me who doesn’t want it. He’s said he’ll deal with it but I just know he’ll let it go on so long that it’ll be too late and I’ll look like a lunatic for kicking up a fuss. Plus he’s pointed out that it’s the friend’s holiday too and I do get that.
I’m just fed up about it. Am I being unreasonable?

IMO you're not being unreasonable but neither is he. Personally, I'd just sack it off nearer the time; use a pregnancy excuse. Let your dh go on his own then have your babymoon another time.

Thanks for the reply. That was my first thought but we’ve booked travel already and it was those dates specifically that suited us. I’m probably feeling a bit sensitive in general. I think I’m just frustrated with how it came about and also that it’s likely to end up with me looking bad if I push it. We won’t even meet this girl until the holiday itself

I completely understand how you feel but if this trip is doubling as a babymoon too, isn’t it better for his gf to be there to keep him company so you can have alone time with your DH? Otherwise he’d have to hang out alone for periods of time or be the third wheel the entire trip.

I also get that you’ll be 6 months pregnant & just looking to chill but maybe your friend might want to go out & explore / do some activities? If you’re not up to it then I assume your DH will stay with you & again, your friend will have to go out & about on his own.

I’d feel exactly the same as you as I’d hate to holiday with a stranger but I guess you just have to look at it from the friends point of you & understand that it’s his holiday too & no matter how good friends you are, being the third wheel is no fun (especially for a week) & if he knows it’s a babymoon too then he may well be trying to be considerate by bringing his gf along so that they can go off & give you couple time.

I'd make it clear from word go that whilst your DP is working that you plan on relaxing, reading books or sleeping.
You can be friendly and polite without 'babysitting' or entertaining another adult. Maybe she feels awkward coming on holiday and being forced to keep the pregnant missis or her new beau's business partner company. Keep an open mind and lay ground rules of what you expect to be doing ideally beforehand or as soon as you get there.
Why not arrange a meet up before hand, even just once?
And who know's by then they might have split up!

FWIW I totally get the rotating door of new spouses that you are supposed to treat like they are a forever fixture but actually, they don't last a year. It gets frustrating.

I would be upset too but you never know she may turn out to be really good company when they are working and you can also use your pregnancy as a good excuse as others have said and say you need lots of time to relax, lie down, be by yourself etc etc when you want to be.
I hope you have a great holiday

I agree with rafiki

Make it clear that you will be taking it easy and not babysitting the gf

I'd be upset too, initially, but I agree it's unfair to exclude the friend's GF. Is there any way you can get to know her over WhatsApp and FB between now and then so you're not complete strangers by the time of the holiday? She may be really nice, and it'll be more enjoyable if you can find some interests in common and be more relaxed around her once you're there.

Will they even still be together at that point? Does he have a set time limit with these women or do the relationships fizzle out at random times?

YANBU though although he is just as entitled to bring someone along I suppose 🤷‍♀️ I don't think it sounds like he had thought how this would or could impact on you, he probably thinks all women just get along for no particular reason, which is more than a little insulting.

Could you and your DH have a separate small holiday alone?

I think part of the problem here is that it's not just about the holiday for you, but also that this is yet another woman you are expected to treat like a good friend when you know your friend is only going to keep her around temporarily. You find this upsetting - making deep connections and losing them time and time again.

It may be time to start trying to think of these women a bit differently - more like your friend's distant cousin than their life partner or the parent of one of your DC's friends who you want to get on with but have no intention of becoming best friends with. You might also think about talking with your friend directly about this - he probably treats friendships (or at least friendships with girlfriends) very differently to you and won't automatically understand how disoriented and betrayed you feel when these women are dropped from your lives so frequently.

I don't really think you're being unreasonable to want to avoid the holiday even without that extra twist - it's not the holiday you signed up for. Your friend might not want to be a third wheel, but he didn't have to agree with the holiday in the first place if he wasn't happy with it, it's him that's done a bait and switch. But life doesn't go entirely smoothly all the time and it is going to come across as you being difficult so you really need to think about how it might impact your and your husband's long-term relationship with your friend (and each other) and decide how much of a fuss you want to make about it.

Just go and be reasonably friendly?

Probably being a bit precious here, but if I’d had such a difficult fertility journey to get a much wanted pregnancy, I would not be flying and putting unnatural pressure on my body. I would be staying close to home and looking after myself.

Your dh's friend sounds like a bit of a dick tbh, especially in relation to his ex's children.

But I don't think there's any reason to suspect that you will be required to babysit a grown woman. Why not arrange to meet her (with your dh & friend) over the next few weeks, if you like her, great. If you don't make it clear to your dh and his friend that you will be enjoying some bonding time with your bump while they are working and don't want to be expected to entertain the new woman.

P.s can you fly at 6 months pregnant?

I echo Charm. I would be staying at home and crossing off days on a chuff chart to get to the end of my third trimester. Sorry if that sounds a bit harsh.
Also, you may have loads of friends already but it seems a bit rough for you to assume you have to 'babysit' another adult. The girlfriend might turn out to be one of the best friends you ever had, whether she stays with Romeo or not. I would be a lot more open minded I think.

It is totally understandable you feel like this. If you’re good enough friends to go on holiday with this guy as a 3, you’re good enough friends to tell him how you feel. Ie that you are still upset about investing so much in his exes only for him to dump them and for them to disappear. This isn’t about banning the woman. It’s about how you feel as a person. You’re not a wind up toy and he needs to have more consideration for you. He sounds rather immature and intense.

Oh and I had an ivf pregnancy. I flew up to when I was around 7/8 months pregnant. Not having the choice, seeing as I was changing countries.

So he has been seeing this woman for two weeks- so a couple of dates then.
Not really his new partner.
And weird of them both to decide on a holiday together after such a short time.

I wouldn't have agreed to the holiday in he first place TBH.
I would have suggested that OH and business partner sort out what they need to in the UK ( even if that meant staying in a different part of the UK for week) then had a holiday abroad with just OP and OH.

Having a babymoon/business trip for a cosy three???
Business may over run, you will feel obliged to include friend in meals out etc.
I don't see that as a " babymoon" ( and I thought a babymoon happened after the birth)

You could suggest a meeting with the girlfriend before making your decision.

Maybe the gf is thinking “oh no ... I’ll have to entertain a grumpy, 6 moths pregnant woman I’ve never met before”. I assume she’s an adult, and regardless of whether you’ve met her before or not, she may well have her own things she wants to do at your holiday destination. I think you’re being U to assume that it’s you who will be doing the entertaining. Also, you seem a bit too over invested in your friends relationships. If you know he’s prone to dumping a gf after a few months, then keep a little distance between you. Just be nice and set your own boundaries.

Why don’t you meet up first? She might be absolutely lovely! Or an independent women who doesn’t need babysitting!

I think you are bring a bit unreasonable, tbh - I’m assuming your friend only dates adult women?

I think you need to chill out a bit. It wouldn’t bother me if a friend wants to bring a girlfriend so he’s not a gooseberry with a pregnant couple!

If you are as good friends as you describe, you really should want to meet his new girlfriend! She might be ‘the one’ .

Stop being precious, the world doesn’t revolve around you and pregnancy. Other people’s lives continues - and it IS your friend holiday too. You can not control every aspect of your holiday unless you decide to go on your OWN baby moon with just you and your DH.

I'm guessing that she won't be around by then, OR it'll be someone else.

Congratulations on your pregnancy
Honestly I think you're giving this too much thought. You don't have to be her best pal, and actually it might work well rather than you and your dh leaving dhs friend on his own a lot, it'll split off into two couples. It'll be fine.

so I’ll be expected to entertain her.

Not necessarily. You're not the host. She might love sitting by the pool with her headphones on.
Start as you mean to continue. Polite, but not her new best mate. She may turn out to be great company, but in the meantime, do exactly as you would have done if she wasn't there.

YANBU. I wouldn’t want to go on holiday with a stranger. I’d be looking forward to some quiet, relaxing time while your partner and friend are working. Having a stranger there completely changes the atmosphere. You’ll not be expected to entertain her, but you’ll have to have her around, make polite chit chat etc. Maybe you’ll like her, maybe you won’t. It’s a risk.

I’d tell your partner and friend you don’t want her to come. If you’re all really that close, they’ll understand. Or alternatively, try and get to know her before you go and then make that decision later based on whether you get on.

Won't they be shagging all the time as it's a new relationship?

Yanbu. I would tell your dh and his friend that you have plans to relax and read. You arent doing any trips. Id also make it clear you want to meet her before. She might be quiet and just happy to chill but if shes one that cant entertain herself i would want to know.