AIBU to think DC should get a say in choosing a school

[Superheroessidekick]

It's coming up to the time of year where secondary schools start their open days and a lot of school chat has been going on. I spoke to one mum recently who believe the parents should be in control of the choice. AIBU to think the child should get quite a big say in what school they are going to attend for the next 5-7 years of their life?

I agree with this:

Primary school - we chose
Secondary - we chose with some input from DC
GCSE choices - DC choose with guidance from us
Post 16 - DC chooses with hands off guidance from us

This is what we've followed so far and it's worked for us.

We gave DD final say from a limited choice.

We chose one grammar and two excellent state comps for DD to look at. We felt that if DD went to grammar, she needed to do all of the hard work preparing for it, and the lengthy commute / longer school day. This would mean compromises for her extra curricular hobbies, so we let her have the final choice.

Although we did require good reasons. We rejected her initial reasons of liking the uniform, the thatched cottage and pretty grounds and sent her back to think properly. But then she did and came up with some strong solid reasons for choosing that school. She's been there 3 years now and we're all very happy with that choice. I suspect if she had chosen one of the others, I would have been happy with that choice too.

I nodded & agreed with dd but i chose her secondary school. She was 10...

What does a10 yr old know about schools etc!

We toured schools together and discussed pros and cons but I was very clear that the final decision was mine and DHs. It wasn’t just that I felt I knew best, I also didn’t want the weight of that decision on her shoulders. As it happened we pretty much agreed and she’s very happy in the school we ended up in!

Not in our house.

We've selected the secondary ds1 will go to and are about to move to the other side of town to make sure we're in catchment.

If it were up to him he would go to the local (crap) comp that most of his class are going to. We've chosen to move instead.

I give the dc choice in plenty of things - there's a bit of a difference between choosing dinner, outfits and days out and choosing 5 years of your life though.

Personally I don't think it's a choice that should rest on a 10 year olds shoulders.

He hated every second of it, and remains bitter about it to this day (thirty years on). But has he actually got better life opportunities because of his parents choice?

Opportunities yes, but he didn’t take them. In retrospect he would have been a lot happier and probably more successful going to the local comp, leaving at 16 and learning a trade.

But hindsight is a wonderful thing. And I think if he’d had kids himself he would have understood our parent’s motivations earlier and forgiven them. But that didn’t happen.

What does a 10yo know about schools? Pretty much the same as their parents if they’re given the information! I trust my 10yo to read a prospectus, go to an open day, look online at the average progress for a child of their ability and the average GCSE grade for a child of their ability. I trust my dc, if they have a particular talent or interest, to find out which school would best serve it, and I would help them to do so. I don’t let them make a decision in the dark.

Perhaps it’s been easy so far as both of the eldest dc have had a clear view of what they want and have been able to get places that they and we like. Perhaps dc3 will challenge our approach by insisting on the inadequate-rated comp a few miles away or boarding school on the moon...

I think it's right they should have an input. However children often have priorities that as parents we know shouldn't be deciding factors.
Dd1's choice was because they didn't wear a tie, for example.

To an extent. Their choice would have to be a Catholic school though, as that's how we're bringing them up.

They both came on school visits and if they didn't like a school it wouldn't be on the list.

I trust my 10yo to read a prospectus, go to an open day, look online at the average progress for a child of their ability and the average GCSE grade for a child of their ability. I trust my dc, if they have a particular talent or interest, to find out which school would best serve it

Look online at the average GCSE grades for a child of their ability? At TEN?

Sorry but seriously...I suspect you're talking nonsense anyway.

BUT on the off chance that is true...imo if that is what your ten year old is concerned with and spends time doing then I can't help but think you've gone very, very wrong somewhere.

100pc the parents.

I remember begging my parents to send me to school a where all my friends were going but they sent me to school b (way more academic) and I bloody loved it and am so glad they disregarded me entirely.

I think the child should have some input yes.

My mother sent me to an all girls school which I didn't want to go to because my sister was there (3 years older.) I wanted to go to another school which was just as easy to get to, was mixed and my best friends from primary went there.

By year 9 i hated going to school and bunked off to the point I didn't go for weeks at a time throughout years 10 and 11 and messed up my GCSEs. My mother tried to get me in the other school but there were no places.

So my dc have some say in Secondary and funnily enough my dd didn't want to go to the all girls school either so she's not.

Doesn’t it really depend on the child? If your child can make sensible pros and cons to the schools I think it’s foolish to disregard them.

The child should have a say as it’s going to determine the next 7 years of their life. My parents knew which they wanted me to go to and encouraged me to look at them but at no point was I made to feel forced into choosing a school. I would hate to be told this is what your doing fo the next 7 years. Yes 10 / 11 is young but ultimately it’s them that has to attend every day so I would never dream of not giving them the opportunity to say what they want

My two DS both chose their Middle Schools, Senior School and now most recently their Sixth Form. We talked about all factors (teaching, OFSTED report and grade, distance from home, availability of public transport etc.) but they made the decisions and are happy with them We did attend several open days/evenings with them for each as well. We've always been happy with their choices. Having said this I'd say they are very sensible and academic so they based most of it on what they saw in the science blocks!

DH and I decided where DS, would go. At 10 or 11, they are too easily influenced by their friends and an open day or open evening doesn't really give a full picture of a school. We chose to send DS to a different school to the rest of his primary class, because we believed it was the best school for him.

I love the fact that so many people seem to think there is such a thing as choice for a lot of people there simply isn't.
We live in an area/LEA of overcrowded and failing schools - the 'choice' is the LEA school that has a space (only 2 in the LEA that are average, 1 that is below average and the rest are well below average) or a fee paying school - for most people that isn't a option.
Round here you apply for the local school and if you are lucky you'll get a place and won't have to trek to one on the other side of town.
We are lucky enough to live in the 'catchment' area for one of the average schools, if DS1 gets a place (no guarantee as it's well over subscribed even though the village we lives in gets priority of the admissions criteria) great, if not we will be doing everything we can to pay for his education, it won't be easy but we could do this if we need to - most of his friends families are not in that position.
DS knows that there really isn't a choice as we have had to explain several times over the years why he goes to town for school rather than the one up the road... you go where there is a place.

How hard is it for a 10yo to read a prospectus? They are handed them at an open day or I can find them online to give to a dc to read. How hard is it for a 10yo to look at the “compare schools” page for a bunch of schools nearby, with an adult to help with the online lookup tool?

The3 BUT We didn't choose the DDs' school based on prospectus, or the 'compare schools' info. Our choice was happily between 2 good well performing schools.

We therefore chose primarily on ethos and pastoral care, which required appropriate questioning and listening.

Your children might not be, but too many are swayed by issues such as

• where friends are going
• what colour the uniform is
• whiz-bang-pop demos on open evening
• a talk citing a million (v. expensive) exciting school trips
• shiny school buildings

If you as a parent want

• support for struggling children / SEN
• good pastoral care
• a sensible level of homework
• encouragement and opportunities for all not just the able kids

then you have to dig deeper than a shiny prospectus.

Agree Teen.

Also I don't quite see the point in those that say 'we give the dc an input and listen to their preference but we make the decision'.

Just - why? If your 'ultimate decision' is different to the dcs preference then you'll have a lot of moaning and unhappiness and it was all pointless.

Our dc have long known which school they're going to and whilst it wouldn't be any of their first choices (because they would choose to follow their friends to the local, poor, comp) they've never moaned...because it's always been a given.

Mine know their secondary preferences may not get them anywhere - we live in part of London where their primary classmates end up at 40-odd different schools, depending on where they live, religion, etc. So muggins here has to narrow half the schools in London down to a shortlist to see, then to take ds to see and do required banding tests, then he can state preferences for the application form.

He knows that we got 3rd choice for primary which is why it's a long walk.

I was 10 when I got the choice of a year of international school then boarding, or boarding immediately, and then a choice of two boarding schools. As it turned out, the international school was a bad move but I don't blame my parents. They also let me choose the boarding school, even though they didn't approve of my choice (run-down, girls and buildings looked scruffy), but I'd point-blank refused to go to the other (boarding houses miles away, over-jolly staff forcing kids to eat horrible stuff, way too serious, and a terrible uniform). It worked out very well for me (I'm basically run-down and scruffy too...), and they let me stay for 6th form. If they'd forced me to the other, my stormy adolescence would have been much, much worse.

Also I don't quite see the point in those that say 'we give the dc an input and listen to their preference but we make the decision'.

Well I sort of said that. We looked at the 5 possible schools - 1 we ruled out straight away - as despite it being geographically our nearest school we are not catchment and is not that easy to get to.

This left 4, (of which we had to pick 3) I had to be our 'banker' but I didn't like this and dd wasn't too keen. We then had 2 choices left. She was happy to discount the one (which was good as travel there isn't the best - we are in an umbrella catchment, but it is a random selection) she then picked her 1st and 2nd choices. Neither of which we are catchment for, but I took her input into consideration.

I may or may not have presented choice 1 as a better option.

I am about to embark on the third time of viewing secondary schools, with my older two, I told them the options, had to be a school that was easy to get to. We looked at lots of schools, grammar and comp, before each visit I told them to look beyond. glitz and science experiments, but to see if they could imagine going their, wearing the uniform and being part of the community. Every child is different and what is good for one, may not suit another, fortunately we were both on the same page, and liked and disliked the same schools. We chose together, for the main reason is that, I can see beyond the glamour, and see it for what it is, I looked at the bigger picture, subjects that are on offer etc, and they have to feel comfortable and happy there, they will be spending possibly 7 year's in that environment.