AIBU to think DC should get a say in choosing a school

[Superheroessidekick]

It's coming up to the time of year where secondary schools start their open days and a lot of school chat has been going on. I spoke to one mum recently who believe the parents should be in control of the choice. AIBU to think the child should get quite a big say in what school they are going to attend for the next 5-7 years of their life?

My gut feeling is to try to let DC choose, having talked thru the options with them and all the reasons for or against each. I did rule out one school tbf (too far travel time).

I have heard some compelling stories from adults, about when they were kids & forced to attend a secondary they never wanted and never stopped hating being there.

My parents chose for me, against my will. They got it wrong and I was right.

Like The3 ds knew exactly which School he wanted to attend, got offered a place +bursary and scholarship. After that he also knew exactly which University would be the best fit too.

I love the idea of a child choosing Eton and actually making it happen. That boy will go far.

I think they need to be involved in the conversation about it but ultimately it is the parents' choice. At 10 years old they simply do not have the maturity or perspective to make a good choice. Fortunately by the time the decision was made my DS agreed with our choice for him. Had we just accepted what he wanted he would be at the local comp (because his friends were going) where bullying is rife, discipline is all but none existent and the results are tanking. Actually, it turns out his friends haven't gone there either (funny that), so he would have lost out every which way!

If there's a choice between two equally good (or bad) schools then I guess it's less critical. I still think it is ultimately the parents' choice though.

Primary school - we chose
Secondary - we chose with some input from DC
GCSE choices - DC choose with guidance from us
Post 16 - DC chooses with hands off guidance from us

We're just starting to think about post 16 here but that's exactly how we have done it too.

@Metoodear

I was actually really proud of my daughter - where her friends were going had no bearing on her choices. Top 3 listed had max 1 possible person going. She got offered 4th choice where 40% of her class were going and still was happy to turn that down and get waiting list for one of her higher choices where she is the only one.

My dd is in year 5. We moved last summer to a town with one outstanding comp. That gets good results from lower ability. So we made the decision for her.

We only took dd to schools we would be happy with. We left it to her. She was miserable at primary school and she choose a school in another town away from the kids she'd been with. It's an outstanding all girls school a bus ride away.

Dd2 is likely to want to go to our catchment school. It's a mixed "good" school 10 mins walk away. It will be her choice.

But we were lucky in that I was happy with either school.

tbh i dont think most kids get the choice of Eton or even boarding schools and Grammars The3

DD had a rocky friendship group. She wanted to stay with her friends (her self esteem had got so low, I don't think she thought she could form friendships from scratch). We live in an area where all children are talking about where they want to go to from y4 and DD had made up her mind without looking. We wanted her away from certain girls and, in the end, we vetoed her choice as we felt a fresh start would be better for her. Lots of tears followed. Nine months later, DC has had to change primary school mid y6 as the children we were concerned about violently turned on her and she ended up badly hurt. When the school got involved, their parents turned on us and the situation became unbearable. She is so happy in their new school and has quickly made some lovely friends to start y7 with. I can't imagine how anxious we or she would be feeling now if we had let her choose and she had to go back to being with those children again. Let your child have a say but, if you have concerns, don't ignore them.

x2boys I agree most kids don’t live in an area with grammars, and statistically, most kids don’t get the choice of Eton as it doesn’t take girls. We didn’t present it as a choice for ds1 either: he must have got it from the telly or somewhere but we humoured him until it was obvious he was serious. We didn’t reckon it would be a choice for us, but it turns out that one in five boys there has a bursary and the admissions and bursaries people were hugely helpful. I still can’t quite believe it.

So I agree most don’t have the option, but more do than realise they do, unless parents dismiss the possibility out of hand for ideological reasons or because they have a different image of the school to the reality.

Our boys had a say in secondary school only because they would have to put a lot of effort in for their 11+ exams. They had no say on primary school choice and we’re moving DD in September to another school.

If they wanted to board we would have taken that on board too

I think it's okay to listen to their opinions, but make it clear that you will decide. Kids aren't always actually the best judges of what will be good for them.

I was gutted when ds said he wanted to go to the local single sex grammar. I hated the place when I looked round it and really couldn't see it as being the best fit for him (he's very sensitive and not massively sporty). I supported him though and we put him in for the 11+. No coaching other than buying a couple of practice papers. He aced it. Got the highest marks out of his mates that took it. Then he went to have another look with dh. I have never been so relieved as when he said he wanted to go to the comp instead! Dh felt the same as me, ds never knew. He's in year 9 now and is thriving, it was absolutely the right choice. We'd have supported him whatever though, but even though he ended up going where I wanted, to us it was important he had input.

I think it depends on what the choice is. DS1 had the choice of 5 very different schools. He did not want to choose, even though he looked at all of them.

DS2 had the choice of three schools. We looked at 2 and agreed he'd rather go to the same school as his older brother.

DD had the choice of 4 schools. I knew 2 had dire ofsted reports, one was a new Free school with no permanent site, and the fourth was a good school which her siblings attend. So, I wouldn't let her choose, as there wasn't really a choice as far as I could see.

My mother wanted me to go to her old school, which was a private all girls one. I point blank refused. I went to the local co-ed high school instead, as was my preference.

I took daughter round the schools in Yr 5 because there were quite a few, she ruled out applying for the grammar as she didn't like it and ruled out another comprehensive as too big. In Yr 6 we re-visited catchment and nearest non catchment, and luckily she got in to her choice of the 2, it wasn't the one her best friends went to but she soon made loads of new friends.

Hmmmm no one really 'chooses' their secondary school in my area. It is a case of applying for those that you think you have a chance of getting into.
No point applying for an oversubscribed school if you don't meet admissions criteria, or it's a huge gamble if data from previous years shows you are too far down the admissions criteria.
Unlikely a 10 year old can do this research... but as others have said, you can give them a say over the choice/ranking of schools that you have done research on and pre-selected or pre-approved.

Hmm but what about 12 year olds? I’m considering sending my younger dd private from Y9 for various reasons, however she absolutely refuses to go! I honestly think I would real f*ck her up by overruling her clear desire to go to the local state with her friends, especially if it all goes wrong and she hates it.

*really not real!

Hmm but what about 12 year olds? I’m considering sending my younger dd private from Y9 for various reasons, however she absolutely refuses to go! I honestly think I would real fck her up by overruling her clear desire to go to the local state with her friends, especially if it all goes wrong and she hates it.*

Or, the local state is shit (not saying it is but I'm a teacher and it might be) and when she doesn't meet her potential, she blames you for not insisting on the better school when she had a wobble.

I'm not saying do one or the other, only that teenagers will find a way to blame you either way

Also depends on your other children though. If you want them to go to the same school, you can't give dc1 a free choice because they would be making a choice for all the siblings.

I would be very careful of overruling a child’s feelings and forcing them to go to a school they don’t want to go to. My parents did it to my brother - he wanted to go to the local failing comp with all his friends, but he was sent to a naice private school against his will.

Parents assumed he would get over it and appreciate it in the long run - the local comp was truly awful, so they thought they were doing the right thing.

He hated every second of it, and remains bitter about it to this day (thirty years on).

As in any decision, it depends.

It depends on the choice on offer - if one of the options is obviously going to be detrimental to the child's future, then parents do have a right to steer the child away from that choice.

It depends on the child - some children know their minds earlier than others and are more goal oriented than others, like the young boy who decided on his own at an early age that he wanted to go to Eton. I have one of these and he decided which school he would go to at the age of 7. He did get a decision between 3 extremely selective schools with senior schools attached and I let him make the final decision as academically, there really was no wrong choice. The school he chose was not my favourite - I actively disliked it during the touring phase due to my own views on what I thought would be best for my son but he knew that it would be a better school for him. He was right in the end because the sports he excels in, to my surprise, are particular strengths at his his school and one of the sports is not played in the school which my favourite at the time of the choice.

My second son has more parental guidance in his decision as he is much more of a pleaser and will make decisions based on what he think is expected of him and not what he truly wants as he really is not certain yet what he wants.

In summary, the choice at hand and the nature of the child should dictate if the child has a swaying say in a school decision.