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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To take a small present to a "no gifts please" party?

59 replies

Verdad · 01/06/2018 13:20

DC has been invited to a party with a note saying no gifts please but a small cheque to X charity would be appreciated.

I'm happy to donate and will do so. But I can't help feeling a little sad for the 7 yr old who might prefer to have a few things to open as well. Apparently this is the child's wish. Would I be spoiling it for everyone if I take something small as well as a cheque?

OP posts:
ArgyMcBargy · 01/06/2018 15:33

A friend used to request no gifts, but understood that some still wanted to bring something, so if asked would suggest a donation of party food or a decoration - so you could offer to bring some cup cakes or a helium happy birthday balloon?

AviatorShades · 01/06/2018 15:37

I'd give one of those pull down cards with lots of windows to openSmile

I'd certainly respect their wish, tho.

PattiStanger · 01/06/2018 15:40

I'm sure I post this every time this thread comes up, why would anyone think that “no gifts” means anything other than “ I don't want you to bring a gift”?

Why would anyone think their view is more important than the person who has invited them?

Ellisandra · 01/06/2018 15:44

“apparently this is the child’s wish”

Good on them!

There are children out there who believe they have enough and would rather see a charity benefit.

Why would you be so rude as to ignore this?

Irksomeness · 01/06/2018 15:49

My boys really couldn’t have cared less about presents at that age. They liked the presents that we bought for them but were uninterested in presents from friends,

I don’t think you need to feel sorry for the girl at all.

Kolo · 01/06/2018 15:52

I take the view that gifts are given freely at the discretion and will of the giver, not stipulated by the recipient.

That’s how I feel too. I consider it the giver’s decision to offer a gift or not, and the receiver’s decision to accept or not. There have been times, with family or close friends, where I’ve felt like I really wanted to get them a specific gift, so I have. I don’t think I’d feel so strongly about a random child to go against the parents wishes, though.

Semster · 01/06/2018 15:59

I don't know. I've always thought in the past (when I've seen this on Mumsnet!) that parents are doing it to avoid having a load of what they deem to be "tat" given to their child.

When mine were younger I did dread parties because I knew we'd end up with a pile of tat to store somewhere, and which my child would use once then forget.

Bagadverts · 01/06/2018 16:00

You are teaching DC that it is ok to disregard someone's clear request.

peasooper · 01/06/2018 16:04

Give them something they really want... the gift of respecting their wishes!!!

It isn't just about percieved tat or too many presents etc, it can be about not wanting to place financial pressures on people. Perhaps some of the invitees don't have much money and frequent parties are a burden. Just do as they ask and feel happy about it!

TheShapeOfEwe · 01/06/2018 16:07

It's odd that you're using words like 'complicit' - you're being asked to make a donation to charity, not turn a blind eye to child abuse. You don't know if this was genuinely the child's decision, and you shouldn't assume you know better than the parents. Your feelings aren't the ones to prioritise here.

MiddleClassProblem · 01/06/2018 16:08

I always thought gifts were for the receiver, to please them. Like I wouldn’t get a vegan friend a block of feta just because I’m a goat farmer. Or I wouldn’t get a friend who hates football anything to do with football because I like it.

Sure there are times where you’re introducing people to new things but most of the time I would buy a gift I the recipient would like. If the recipient said get me vouchers or charity donation then what’s the different?

HopeSpringsEternal2017 · 01/06/2018 16:11

If you know the parents well just ask them? It maybe the child doesnt need or want anything or the parent doesn't want a pile or that. If it's genuinely the child's wish then respect it. Perhaps half donation half cash in the card would work?

IWouldLikeToKnow · 01/06/2018 16:47

I have no experience of this as my son is only 3.5. However, family are forever buying him bits. He has no appreciation of presents. He gets too much. I think I would like to try the no gifts rule when he's at school. But it defeats the purpose if people bring gifts anyway - assuming that my child is somewhat deprived as we've said no gifts !

ScattyCharly · 01/06/2018 16:53

I bet the child has a mountain of toys. Respect their wishes. It’s probably environmentally motivated as well

rosesandflowers · 01/06/2018 21:29

Interesting responses though. I don't think I'm "really rude" to be wondering about this, nor am I "desperate" or "pushy" fgs. I'm just reading an invitation and finding it unconventional!

Sorry if this came across wrong. I don't think it's overtly pushy to wonder, as this is unconventional. I think it would come across pushy to place your views over what should happen based on convention over a direct request from the child/parents.

ElMarineroBaila · 01/06/2018 21:39

So you've been given incredibly clear instructions but are asking if you can ignore them? Why?! Do as you're asked ffs! It doesn't say "no presents please except for OP's name here" I'd be really annoyed that you'd deliberately gone against what was asked of you in black and white. Do you generally have problems with following instructions? Are you a control freak who knows better than everyone else?

PattiStanger · 01/06/2018 21:52

That's the way I see it too, you are saying you know better than the child's parents how they should organise the birthday, monumentally rude imo, if you did that to me I wouldn't invite your child again

Rozzzzzalmost35 · 01/06/2018 22:07

I'd donate to charity and bring a gift for the child as well

TerfsUp · 01/06/2018 22:08

Do as the invite says.

starday · 01/06/2018 23:11

I would take a gift.

As the giver it's 100% up to you what you choose to 'gift' - hence it's called a gift 🎁

beluga425 · 02/06/2018 08:17

I did this one year. We had a house stuffed full of plastic tat. One very polite mum said please, please could she bring a gift and I sort of said yes.
At the party another mum started going on about how out of order I was. She was clearly really put out.
DD was fine. She ended up with plenty of gifts from family.

beluga425 · 02/06/2018 08:20

Posted too soon.
I'd have been passed off if everyone had brought gifts as I did say no gifts.
Take something very small and usable.

beluga425 · 02/06/2018 08:21

*disposable

MuttsNutts · 02/06/2018 10:49

I'd have been passed off if everyone had brought gifts as I did say no gifts.
Take something very small and usable.

Make your mind up - you either say no gifts or something small Confused

No-one would know what the hell to do if you said that. Or is everyone supposed to know who is allowed to take gifts and who isn’t?

The invite in OP’s case is very clear - they don’t want gifts, not sure why there is any dilemma at all. If OP decides otherwise it is for her benefit, no-one else’s and will potentially cause bad feeling with party giver and/or other guests.

insideoutsider · 02/06/2018 11:10

If someone brought a gift to my 'no gifts' party, they will be taking it back home with them. What if I have no way of carrying your gift back? Maybe we have a home full of 'stuff' and more of any kind is a pain and not a gain no matter how thoughtful YOU think it is?

It's definitely not about you. It's about the receiver. They specifically said 'no gifts'.