To ask for help to stop my DS getting lost

[LotToLose]

My DS likes to wander off and prove what a big boy he is by coming back to me on his own. I’m trying to walk the line between encouraging independence/confidence and him being safe (he’s 4).
Obviously he is not allowed to do this in crowded spaces (I normally let him do this in the enclosed soft play or the field near our house) and I like him to hold my hand or stay no more than a few steps away if we’re out shopping.
However last week I got distract by a work call (I know this makes me a terrible parent, trust me I couldn’t feel worse) and wandered off in the shop we were in. I found him on the same floor looking at toys, but it was the scariest few mins of my life.

Aibu to ask if any of you use tracking watches or those kids gprs trackers? Do they work? How often do you need to charge them?

I’m going to try my very hardest to never lose him again, but this has really shaken me up!

You don't need a tracking watch you just need to stay alert and not let anything do that to you again.

You also need to train him regarding getting lost in shops. I've taught mine to call loudly if they can't see me....usually they're an aisle away...no more than that.

You also teach them "If we're in a shop and you can't find me...DO NOT LEAVE the shop...I will never leave without you unless there is a fire...then you leave"

Just watch him. If your phone rings, hold his hand if you have to take the call.

To add to what Ajax said, teach him that if he can't find you in a shop, he should go up to the till (or someone in a work uniform) and tell the person working there that he's lost his mummy.

Sorry, Ajas, not Ajax!

If a child wants to wander off and isn't particularly bothered that he can't see Mummy, then instructions to call when he's lost won't help.

As far as he's concerned, he's exactly where he wants to be. He's fine. He knows where Mummy is. She's over there - somewhere! He's such a Big Boy, able to find his way to the toys ALL BY HIMSELF!!!

I had to tell mine that if they wandered off without me, then they would have to hold my hand for the rest of the trip. Freedom curtailed!

That won't work with every child though.

Here is a tracking watch/phone watch that I use. Witmoving Childrens Smartwatch GPS Tracker Kids Wrist Watch Phone Sim Anti-lost SOS Bracelet Parent Control By iPhone IOS Android Smartphone (Green) www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B01G72VUWG/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_YBteBbRDREQW7?tag=mumsnetforum-21

I used it for my 5 and 7 year old when I travel alone with them. I use the phone more than the tracking. Its a pretty loud ring, and the kids can't lose it.

Trackers don’t tackle the issue though as they don’t teach him not to wander off. He is only 4 so as much as I am all for giving independence in an age appropriate way if he can’t understand why he can’t wander off then unless you can keep your eyes on him 100% or the time when “free” he needs to be holding a hand.

Thank you. This is the kid of thing I’m looking for. How long does the charge last? Are you happy with it?

Not sure about not getting lost, but I have taught my son, that if he does get lost, he is to stay exactly where he is, and shout mummy/daddy at the top of his voice until we find him.

Tracking devices are good. But OP, you really need to make the effort to teach him to stick with you. It takes very little for so much to go wrong.
It’s not worth the risk of your kid becoming a statistic.

4 is incredibly young, OP.

I bet most of us have lost sight of our children at least once! Agree that he needs to know not to go out of the shop if it happens again. 4 is a bit old to have hold of his hand all the time.

I’ve drilled him that if he ever gets lost he must stay in the shop and go up to the till and yell “I’M LOST” as loudly as he can, so the staff look after him.

But as PP said he didn’t think he was lost, so that didn’t register.
He was gone maybe 3 mins max, but it felt like an eternity.

I do normally keep a very good eye on hom ans make him handhold. But work call was unexpected and stressy as I’m on holiday. My call length was 4.31 and I know that it sounds like I’m excusing myself, but I was only distracted for a min or two before realising he wasn’t behind me. I really do feel awful about it and I know bad things can happen in just a few mins. I’m just trying to add an extra layer to my already tightened up child monitoring. I won’t use a watch as an excuse to be more lax.

Please don't. A tracker will give you a false sense of security. Your kid is 4 - he should NEVER be out of your sight. Soft play maybe, but you let him out of your sight in a FIELD?! Seriously stop that. 4 year olds should be independent with feeding, dressing and toiletting. Not finding their way from A to B.

Agree with a pp - an enclosed soft play, yes but out of sight in a field is way too much at 4.

Teach him that he must always be able to see you and must never wander off. Say it over and over and reinforce it constantly.

Shouting I am lost or mummy daddy sounds a bit dangerous to me. I taught my son if he was ever lost to say nothing at anyone and to make his way to a person at a desk in a uniform. I was "helped" by someone when I got lost at 3 and my dad found them taking me towards an exit.

Don't beat yourself up at the same age I found out my DS was lost when the tannoy shouted my name in B&Q

He’s 4, he shouldn’t be out of your sight at all. Teaching independance and being stupid are not the same. You can teach independance by having him walk / bike ahead of you or an adult, or observe him through a window as he pays for things at a corner shop, but anything more than that isn’t appropriate at this age.

At that age they should be old enough to understand that they don't just wander off - you could say you're happy for him to explore as long as he tells you exactly where he's going and doesn't lose eye contact. Set some clear boundaries and rules for if he does get lost too - we told ds that it's rare he'll see a police officer, but there's usually plenty of women with children around who he can approach and tell them he's lost. We've always told ds that he never, under any circumstances, goes anywhere, with anyone (including children) without first checking with us that it's ok. That way, he knows it's not a 'no' but an 'ok in these circumstances, which translates better for children.

We're looking at a tracker watch for ds, who is now 7, but only on the basis that he now wants to go a little further afield and we want to give him that freedom as he seems ready and he knows the 'rules' and we still frequently give him 'what if' scenarios with regard to personal safety.

That is far too young to be encouraging him to be able to be away from you in strange spaces. Even if he had a GPS watch or something! What if he let another child try it on? It fell off? Someone took it off? Ridiculous.

Also, without being alarmist, I've read some good advice that children need to know that in certain situations it's perfectly ok to scream, bite, kick, hit, punch and do whatever is necessary to escape. Your ds is probably too young for this lesson without scaring him just yet but one to be aware of in future as kids are told not to behave this way normally. It's highly unlikely they'll ever be in that situation, but worth bearing in mind. We've also avoided 'stranger danger' because it's not often stranger scenarios that present the risk. We've preferred to focus on saying most people are good, but he must always say, to anyone who asks "let me just tell mum and dad where I'm going".

OP you are going to lose him and others who take care of him are going to lose him, simply because you have taught him he can wander off.

Curtailing his freedom now won't work as he will simply learn to disappear when you aren't looking, and GPS trackers frequently don't work inside.

What you now have to teach him is where to go when he gets lost. In the case of shops a till where customers are being served. When he gets a couple of years older and he's at museums, you have to show him where customer services is.

Do be prepared for him to get lost on purpose and annoy the staff.

Please read my OP properly! At no point did I say I let him out of my sight.

I said he likes to wander off and come back to me, so at the softplay he’ll run off to the ball pit or bouncy castle, but I’m right there with him following at a distance. In the field he is allowed to be much further away than he normally is, I’d guess maybe 20m away. But it is a field as in flat grass! So I can see him at all times. He just likes to test how far ahead he can wander, then comes back to find me. We only do this where it is very safe and he loves it.

I’m asking for advice on trackers/watches just in case I lose him in a shop again.

I fully accept I should’ve been watching him better. I’ve had my lost child scare and it was awful and I will try my hardest not to let it happen again.

No no no, please do not use a GPS tracker unless you are in a crowded place, and then your DC should be holding your hand, this would be a 'just in case' device! It shouldn't be a 'so he can feel like a big boy and to have a stroll'
I feel for you, I once dropped a bottle of shampoo on the floor. I picked it up and within that second my DD decided she wanted to play hide and seek! That 30 seconds was vile!
Teach your 4 year old to walk by Mummy, that walking off isn't a big boy thing to do.
When my DD wondered off that once I threatened to use reins on her. I carry them in my bag constantly, she doesn't walk off now.
Don't beat yourself up about getting distracted, most Mums have had that horrible moment! (Many deny this) just make it a lesson not to get distracted again.
I now turn my phone on silent when I am out. I hate having it ring when I am out with my DDs, too many children, not enough hands!

*wandered

Oh and another thing, never let your child walk behind you! It kills me when I see young children walking behind a parent or standing behind.

He has to stay where you can see him or else he has to hold your hand.

Please don’t use a gps tracker- they give such a false sense of security and actually allow for increased risk.