To think something has gone very wrong if you have to evict your own son

[Metoodear]

www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-5786541/Evicted-millennial-30-finally-starts-parents-home.html

I do feel sorry for these parents but can’t help feeling he is a product of their own making

My bil is 30 and never worked never not even a Saturday job he has a 1st form a Russell’s group uni his rent is paid for and he gets an allowance

Recently they have come to the conclusion he will have to be an academic because he has effectively been ruined for work we’re not sure he has the skills now so he will just study for the rest of his days funded my my in laws

I feel this is endemic of snowflakery and this culture of gentle parenting none hasn’t to be told to wind their fudgeing neck in less they get upset

I think it's more 'snowflakey' (hate that term!) to suggest that it must be the fault of the parents that their son is a selfish asshole. Some people are just terrible and don't care about the feelings of others. Many on MN can attest to the fact that lots of decent people have very difficult children, and conversely many decent people come from terrible parents.

Tbh I think most parents do what they think is best for their kids. Non of us know if we have got it right or wrong, until they are adults. Even then we don't know.

Some kids can have the same parents and turn out completely different. Most parents are just trying their best.

It is not always the parents fault. I think it is a little unfair to blame them.

You dont know the full situation.

You know how some people turn out to be totally nasty people? They have parents too! It isn't always the parents fault.

Parenting will play a huge part but it's not all of it.

Some leave home and go straight into a relation where the other person funds them. No different to living at home really. Some people just don't have a work ethic or believe they deserve a life at the expense of others.

sadly I don’t agree always amazed at the disrespect that posters are expected to suck up form their teens it terms of what their allowed to get away with in they don’t own and often don’t pay any rent of even make contribution in terms of house woek and I think it starts their

So your husband/wife is his sibling? And they don't work and get funded by their parents while you work?

Thank goodness you know everything about parenting OP.
The rest of us can heave a sigh of relief.
My late son had serious mental health problems and was let down by every single agency he tried to get help from.
I feel massive guilt in spite of doing everything I could think of.
Your expert opinion has confirmed that it is indeed all my fault.
Thanks.

Slapbetcommissioner

Yep my BIL alive in a flat the in laws have in a very nice part of London they instead of renting it out he has sole use of the flat the plan was for him to have a room mate but she refused to pay rent after 3 months because of his hygiene and hoarding

They have now hired a cleaner and room mate moved out

They also fund a art studio
And he is currently doing a masters funded by them he gets an allowance of 900 pm like a child 👶
Why can’t he work who knows he’s managed to get a first and he’s not stupid

But apparently if he deviates form his art in any way it stifles his creative self

The whole story has been really twisted and I feel sorry for him. Basically he has a son who he has brought up alone for 8 years. He wasn’t lazing about for those 8 years, he was a full time parent. Then the mother came back on the scene and got full time custody.

To get his son back this man needs to go to court. And he can’t afford it, so the only way he can do it is by getting ‘poor persons’ aid which will pay his legal fees. But if he got a job he wouldn’t get that anymore but he wouldn’t be able to get a job paying enough for his legal fees. He’s stuck in a Catch 22.

The worst thing about the case is that the grandparents were prepared to support him until they won visitation rights to the grandchild in their own name. Then they took the attitude that they had access and that was all they cared about so they weren’t going to support their son anymore even if that meant he lost his son.

They know full well if he did what they wanted and got a job he wouldn’t be able to take it to court. And they know that by chucking him out he will be less likely to win without a stable home.

I feel really sorry for him.

Sorry OP, you've misunderstood my question. You are married to a man/woman who is the sibling of this BIL? And your spouse and your BIL are unemployed and live off of an allowance provided by their parents while you work?

Sounds like he has some issues coping with the world other than being entitled though. Bad hygiene and hoarding is not the norm.
Just cos someone is academic doesn’t mean they can cope with the world of work.
Yes, there are some lazy and entitled soda out there though and I know parents who ferry their teens everywhere as they cba to get the bus etc which means so street skills and do on..

endofagain
My son is on 20mg fluoxetine and has sever depression so thanks

If I had to take him to court to get him out I would feel something had gone very wrong

You can be a paid academic you know, the are plenty of research jobs available if he's not the teaching kind

I read the OP (but not the link, daily fail, ugh) as the OP has a BIL, who is a sibling of the OP's partner, and the parents of the BIL and the OP's partner are funding the BIL.

An academic is someone who works for the university/college in research, lecturing or a mix of both. Sounds like he wants to be a perpetual student. However,if it doesn't affect you I think you just need to ignore it.

Sorry, that was to Slapbetcommissioner

Slapbetcommissioner No my husband works

JustDanceAddict
Me and dh think that bil has not been helped by in laws refusal to treat bil like a adult being purposeful is GOOD for you mental health

I think by just giving him money never expecting him to work

They are saying we don’t believe in you just sit at home because you can’t really do much any way and the reason why they allowed him to do art is because it was felt he wasn’t up to much else he’s actually very very clever

Some parents think if their child is an A grade student then nothing else matters. They put up with shit because he/she is a clever child

My mum was a ‘gentle parent’ after spending her childhood being neglected and physically abused. She was kind, never violent, reasonably permissive and open to negotiation.

I’ve worked since I was 16, went to college and university, have professional qualifications and now have a family and work.

I’m not a ‘snowflake’ which is a stupid phrase anyway.

Presumably you DH isn’t being supported by his parents thus your assertion it’s ‘the parents’ is clearly false.

‘Hoarder’ suggests mental health issues but you don’t actually know do you? Much easier to just pass judgement without engaging brain.

dancing where did you come across that information?

I feel sorry for him anyway, despite also sympathising with the parents pov. I assumed there was much more to it given that it's not usual for an adult not to want their own space if there aren't other insurmountable issues at play.

I understand the frustration of wanting your house back but to take it to court is such an extreme thing to do to your own child.

I have experience of this within my wider family where a pathetic whining child has turned into a pathetic whiny adult who needs Mummy and Daddy to fund everything because they are too pathetic and whiny to do a fucking day's work.

Sometimes people are depressed etc and can't work.

That doesn't mean it's the case for everyone.

Some people are just overindulged/precious/self centred/entitled.

FASH84 He’s not doing a masters because he wants to he’s doing it because in laws realise they basically managed him out of working and can’t think of anything else’s to do with him

Now they can say my son the artist definitely not unemployed because he’s studying for a masters

Before it was just my unemployed son the artist

OK, so if your husband works how can it be the parents fault? They've clearly been able to raise a hard working self-sufficient man so it's clearly not their parenting.

@fromage that's my point,if one child is reliant on parents and one self-sufficient it suggests something else going on other than parenting.

Merryoldgoat They all were difference is that when dh and the other sibling left uni and got their first jobs they said thanks for the support
But I am working now and cancelled the DD bil seems like he’s not getting to the working stage ever and in laws seems to afraid to just cancel the allowance and let the chips fall as they may
But to be honest because he been in a state of worklesness for so long I am really not sure myself how he would fair