AIBU to not let unexpected visitors in my house

[Slipp3rs]

I have 4 children. 5,3,1 and 10 weeks old. My MIL regularly looks after my nephew who is 2. When she’s looking after my DN she’s started spontaneously turning up at my house. She gets DN out of the car and asks if she can come in.
My DN isn’t the easiest of children to look after. My children don’t play with him as he’s quite boisterous and chews their toys.
AIBU to not want them to come round uninvited. Any advice on what to say when they are both standing at my front door asking to come in?

Text her and say your trying to get the kids into a routine and would she mind asking before she comes round as they love seeing her and DN and get really excited and are hard to calm down.

That's awkward. Maybe she's also struggling witj DN? Still, if that's the case then she should still call up and see if you're free.

Maybe have a chat and say you'd prefer a call before turning up. Then if she continues to turn up, politely say it's not convenient now but call me later and we'll arrange something (I don't think it's worth never having them round).

Is she finding looking after a toddler difficult?

‘No, sorry, it’s not a good time. Give me a call later in the week and we can arrange something’.

...and if she complains to your DH, remind him that you are the one at home with 4 kids of your own & who you choose to spend time with is up to you - you’re not running a childminding service for the inlaws.

If you see her pulling up with the kids before she spots you, just lock the door and don't answer...she doesn't know that you aren't out grocery shopping, taking a walk, visiting a friend etc...and it will teach her that it's polite to arrange in advance if you are planning to visit someone to make sure they are going to be there and that it's going to be convenient for them too

‘No, sorry, it’s not a good time. Give me a call later in the week and we can arrange something’.

This. You have to be brutal but she has to learn that if she's offering childcare to another part of the family she should either be able to cope or she shouldn't be doing it.

You have your hands full. There's no harm in pointing that out to her.

Can you get a spy hole and just not answer the door when you know it’s her? As if you don’t have enough to cope with!

My MIL used to do this, look after DH’s niece all the time and then want my kids to go and ‘play’

No, what you want MIL is my kids to entertain the child from hell because your twat of a daughter can’t cope with her own demon she’s created and she’s palmed her off onto you and you can’t cope with her either.
Look after your own fucking kids.
feel better for getting that off my chest

I don't think not answering the door is the way to go. Its usually quite easy to tell if there's someone home, especially with small children and a baby in the house! If you don't answer the door she may get worried and call someone for help. Just text her saying that you love seeing her and DN but would she mind calling/texting before she comes round as you're trying to get the kids into a routine? If she takes offence then so be it.

i dont think 'now is not a good time' will work. it will be hard to refuse her next time.
tell your dp to speak to her and say 'you have 4 very young kids of your own and therefore your hands are full and you are very tired, so not available for such unannounced visits for a very long time.'

How often are we talking? Once a week...YABU. Daily....YANBU.

Somewhere inbetween? Like...three times or more a week and you have to speak to her.

Or, when DN is "boisterous" why don't you control him if she doesn't? Show her what's what.

Next time she shows up look delighted and say, ‘ Thank god you’re here, I need to pop out, won’t be long.’ Then grab your keys and go for a nice quiet coffee on your own.

Speak to DN's parent/s to ask if MIL is actually coping doing childcare and doing this with their permission.

YADNBU. You have 4 DC to care for so you should absolutely not be descended on like this.

yes to what @matildacat says, keep nipping out when she does it

@MatildaTheCat

Next time she shows up look delighted and say, ‘ Thank god you’re here, I need to pop out, won’t be long.’ Then grab your keys and go for a nice quiet coffee on your own.

Brilliant plan! Do it every time.

I’m laughing hysterically at the idea of carrying off a ‘hiding quietly from granny’ strategy with 4 kids under 6 in the house

Frankly this sounds like one of those times when a face to face with granny is the only way. Perhaps phrase it that your home can’t sustain another little one. The snacks, the loo, the toys, the cleaning, the refereeing etc.

Mention that in fact you’d been working up the courage to ask if she could pick up one/two of yours to take to her place on the days she has DN? Don’t worry, she won’t take you up on it. She’s shown herself to be overwhelmed with one.

Once you’ve set this scene, she’ll either figure out she’s been outsourcing ‘her’ childcare a bit and pull back or she’ll start to worry you’ll be answering the door with a relieved look, bag & babe.

Depending on your relationship with SIL, I’d be mentioning to her that you’re finding 5 a bit hard going. If she’s nice (or smart) she’ll have a word too. She’s not going to want a strop starting that could jeopardise the set-up for her kid.

You might need to arrange a semi-regular seperate grown up catch up with granny, to soften the blow. In all that spare time you have of an evening .

Have your coat by the door and put in on everytime she does it. "oh that's a shame we're just on our way out' EVERYTIME.

Text her and say your trying to get the kids into a routine and would she mind asking before she comes round as they love seeing her and DN and get really excited and are hard to calm down.

I'd do this, except I'd swap 'would she mind' for 'ask before you come round'.

I agree with PPs that your MIL is possibly finding it hard going looking after a toddler and she's looking for some help. Do you see her at other times? If you don't see her often then maybe she sees it as an opportunity to see her other DGC.

Have you told her you don't like her coming round without asking first? It could be that she thinks you enjoy spending time with her and DN.

I wouldn't like it myself, however, it is very intrusive. Your DP needs to step up here and tell his DM to arrange in advance when would be a convenient time to come round.

My Mum babysits my oldest DS and my aunt used to come round all the time with her grandson who has SN. Not the poor boy's fault but he was violent and destructive, and DS was afraid of him. Basically my aunt struggled to cope with him so would bring him round to fill a couple of hours and keep him quiet and entertained. It wasn't fair on Mum and DS though. In the end they started to hide in the kitchen when she knocked at the door.

Maybe MIL is finding DNephew a bit much for her and thinks that two adults and 5 children will be a better ratio. MIL is likely to be a fair bit older than you and it can be very tiring to look after children especially if she feels put upon by the child's mother.
Hold a conversation with the Grandmother and find out exactly what is going on in the older lady's life.

Speak to her before she next turns up as I think that would be less awkward than doing when she's on your doorstep.

If she's got anything about her she will understand.

It’s all very well telling her she has to phone first. But what do you say when she does? Because she will!
Why not bite the bullet and tell her you’re already exhausted with 4 kids and can’t handle a fifth. Tell her you will actually invite her when it’s a time of YOUR choosing, not the other way round. Or that you’d be delighted to see her without the nephew, as you’d welcome her help with your own childcare...!

In a nutshell, She's trying to make her life easier by making yours harder.

Ask your DH to talk to her. It's his mother and she shouldn't be showing up unannounced with a 2 year old in tow which puts you in an awkward position and makes you the 'bad guy' if you don't want to deal with another toddler on top of your own small children. That's not on.

If the MIL is finding one 2 year old a bit much, it's hardly fair asking someone with 4 children under 6 to help out!

She won’t realise this is a problem unless you tell her. She sounds like she is struggling with DN and needs company. As DGM she possibly doesn’t have access to the social networks that mums would have.

Could you tell her straight that your kids don’t play well with DN so you’d rather she didn't bring him round, but offer to accompany her somewhere where he would be entertained. It needn’t be a regular commitment, but it might help her out a bit and get you off the hook.

Not wishing to start a fire here, but I have friends who provide childcare for their DGC and although they love them and want to help their DC out, they do find it difficult.