AIBU to not let unexpected visitors in my house

[Slipp3rs]

I have 4 children. 5,3,1 and 10 weeks old. My MIL regularly looks after my nephew who is 2. When she’s looking after my DN she’s started spontaneously turning up at my house. She gets DN out of the car and asks if she can come in.
My DN isn’t the easiest of children to look after. My children don’t play with him as he’s quite boisterous and chews their toys.
AIBU to not want them to come round uninvited. Any advice on what to say when they are both standing at my front door asking to come in?

I was going to say what Matilda said.

Or, when DN is "boisterous" why don't you control him if she doesn't?

It's just more work for OP and doesn't remotely get the point across, does it? OP DOESN'T WANT HIM THERE. Not uninvited, anyway

I'd play this just slightly differently to what has been suggested so far. The next time she rocks up to the house with DN in tow, invite her in. Sit her down and say it to her face (rather than texting):
"MiL, I would appreciate it if you could text me before you set out on your travels with DN to 'visit' us. I'm trying to get my four into a routine and your drop-in visits are disruptive to this routine. I'm sure you can remember back to when DH and his siblings were young how important it is to set up a routine and that the kids find structure to their day a comfort and reassuring. So it's very important that you phone to find out if we are available for you to drop in".

If she is put out by it, so be it, but it should mean that she isn't dropping by as frequently too (which in my book is a win)!

Be honest and tell her you’re already exhausted with 4 kids and can’t handle a fifth Be firm, and say that unexpected visitors makes it much harder as it upsets your routine with them.

You need to tackle this on two fronts. If you wait until they are physically on your doorstep, it will get very awkward and you will end up letting them in but also creating a weird atmosphere.

1. You need to have a conversation IN ADVANCE with you MIL. Say something like "Although it's great to see you, I need you to call in advance before you come round. As you can appreciate, I am very busy with four children to look after, and it isn't always convenient to have DNephew there as well. Maybe we could set up a regular monthly/fortnightly/weekly trip to the park with all the kids instead?"

2. When she does turn up, open the door and say "MIL, I really wish you'd called in advance like we agreed. I'm afraid it isn't a good time for us right now." She will ask why not. You: "It's just not." Her: "Well, maybe I can help/you can't be that busy/just pop in for ten minutes". You: "It's just not convenient. Looking forward to seeing you at the park next week." Then shut the door.

3. After this has happened once/a few times, you may get a passive-aggressive phone call about "booking some time" or "making an appointment". Decide how you want to play this - you can reinforce the "calling in advance" behavior by letting her come round with DNeph at an agreed point in the future. Or you can blithely say "Fraid we're busy this week. Looking forward to seeing you at the park though".

(All of this is assuming she's a CF who is going to get shirty with you and push your boundaries. She may be mortified the very first time you mention something, and agree happily and sincerely not to repeat the behavior. You never know )

Also, perhaps you could investigate some play groups that are around where she lives so that she could bring DN to them instead? Suggest that to her as a way to bring structure to DN's day???

No, what you want MIL is my kids to entertain the child from hell because your twat of a daughter can’t cope with her own demon she’s created and she’s palmed her off onto you and you can’t cope with her either.
Look after your own fucking kids.
feel better for getting that off my chest

I don't think the OP says whether it's her daughter or son's child; she definitely doesn't say they are a twat who has created a demon. Is it beyond your imagination to consider that there may be reasons, other than shit parenting, for a two year old being more difficult than many children.

I think that comment wasn't about the op it was the other posters situation.

I personally don't like unannounced visitors! My house with 3 dc 5 and under is rarely visitor ready. So that alone would bug me

Be honest and talk to her.
Sounds like in this situation she is struggling with the 2 year old and is arriving at yours to get her through the day! Not your job though and I would go with an honest chat as others have said above - telling her when you would be free (once per week? If that suits you and with or without DN) for a visit.
I might - depending on family dynamics - broach the subject of her caring for the DN and whether she is struggling? Help her resolve this with family members if I could.

Thanks for all the advice -

She’s not really the sort of person you can talk to.

Then talk AT her. Phone or text and say 'Stop coming round unnannounced. It doesn't suit me and I simply won't let you in any more.'

Although, as others have said, why is it you dealing with this anyway? Where's your DH in all this if it's his mother causing the problem?

She’s not really the sort of person you can talk to

Mime?

OP, don't misunderstand the purpose of "having a talk" with her. It is NOT to get her to agree with you, or for you to somehow say the magic words that will make her respect you. It is the first stage in laying down the boundaries of how the relationship is going to be.

1. You tell her clearly and firmly (do it by text if you think that face to face is likely to be unproductive) "You need to call ahead to check if it is OK to come over with DNephew." She doesn't have to like this, or agree with it straight away, but you have told her what the boundary is.

2. You enforce that boundary. If she comes over without phoning ahead, you say "No, now is not a good time. You need to call ahead as we agreed." Then don't let her in.

3. She will push back and ask for reasons. Initially you might feel like you need a reason - "we were just going out", "I'm feeling sick", etc, but the risk is she will see this as a starting point for negotiation. Have a few stock phrases that you use over and over again:
   "It's not a good time"
   "That doesn't work for me"
   "It doesn't suit my routine"
   ...and close each time by saying "You need to phone ahead next time so you don't have a wasted journey".

You aren't being mean, OP. You are happy to spend time with her if it is convenient to BOTH OF YOU, not just her.

Think of it like training a dog. You don't spend hours trying to explain to the dog why it should sit, or getting it to agree that it doesn't want to eat the roast chicken on the side. You have a boundary and you enforce it every time. The dog will learn

To be fair to your MIL, she is probably finding it tough to take the child somewhere and have company at the same time. Most mums will mix with other mums, rather than with the next generation up.

LOVE the idea of miming!

Thank you, that’s really helpful. Love the stock phrases

Nip it in the bud and be firm. My MIL used to do this with BIL's DS - he was 3 years older than DS1 and he was vile to him. Aggressive from the word go, clearly jealous, and was trying to hit my DS with a metal toy train when DS was about 1 month old. MIL did fuck all as DN was the apple of her eye. She would turn up whenever she had DN and he would ransack my house whilst she sat there watching. He stood on the coffee table once and started jumping backwards and forwards onto the sofa - she said nothing. He would go through my cupboards looking for sweets, she did nothing. He was always going for my DS and MIL never, ever, told him off, so I said I didn't want them playing together unless DN found some manners and calmed down. MIL basically chose to ignore me and still came round. I ended up just not answering the door.

You either have to talk to her and tell her it's a problem, or just ignore the door every time she comes round.

My MIL did this before we had kids and I was always on my way out, not intentionally! She stopped doing it eventually!