to be furious with my mother

[coralpig]

This is a long post. I'm mainly posting for traffic and for insight. Any insight and help is really appreciated.

6 months ago my mum lost her job for gross misconduct. I don't want to reveal the details but, in my view, it was the right thing to do to sack her. She had some difficulties with her manager but this does not excuse what she did.
Due to the nature of her work, it is not straightforward to just get another job and the case has been referred to the governing body for her profession for investigation.
Today she met with a legal advisor who said that she would be likely to receive a suspension from the profession but that it would be unlikely that anything else would happen and, once she had spent the suspension, she would probably be able to work again. The legal advisor also said that the process would probably take about a year.

The last 6 months have been hellish for my family, both financially and emotionally. My mother has been able to do other temporary work on the side but nothing more. Her mental health has also suffered.
I am married and live far away. I have tried to be supportive throughout the entire process.

My concern is my younger sister. She is a young teenager and has been living through these difficulties which have definitely taken their toll on the family.

My mother told me today that, if the suspension was granted, she intended to sell the family home, leave the country and that she would want my sister to come and live with me.
I lost it. I can't believe how selfish she is being.

Her reasoning is that the education that my sister would receive would be much better than anything offered in the country she intends to move to and that my parents could see her in the holidays.

I am very angry and feel that my mother is running away from her problems and leaving everybody else to pay the price. Having discussed this all with my partner (who has been unbelievably supportive) we feel that my sister would actually have a much happier home life living with us. However, we also feel that this is selfish behaviour on my mother's part and I don't want to indulge this.

I ended the conversation on the phone but have now spent the last few hours looking at school places in my local area and how in phase transfers would work. I feel that it would actually be better for my sister (who is currently nearing the end of year 8) to move up at the start of year 9 rather than next year as my mother intends. I think I could give her a happier life. However, I also think this would be a life changing decision for both me and my partner and I am furious that my mother would run away from her responsibilities like this.

Has anybody taken in a younger sibling before?
Has anybody had success with secondary school applications very late in the day? She currently goes to a private school but there is no way we can afford this.
What would you do?

Literally any insight would be useful.
Thanks for reading

Does your sister have a father? They would have a say about what happens and where she lives.

I would talk to my sister and see what she wants to do, and depending on her being happy to come to you I would take her at the best time for her school wise but I would also be requiring maintenance payments from your mother, especially given that they clearly are well off to have her in private school.

If she’s not happy to move schools could she board where she is at your mother’s expense?

Father is in the picture but goes along with whatever mother says.
They're not well off now that she has no job - there have always been issues with living way beyond means.

Talk to your sister, find out what her views are on this. She will have strong feelings on this I'm sure and you sound very supportive, just what she needs if she feels she may be being abandoned or rejected by her mum. She may not feel this way but I think it's important you check in with her emotionally, rather than just look at financial/practical aspects of this arrangement. Fwiw you sound like an incredibly dedicated and caring sister. If she does come to live with you I agree that a move at the start of yr 9 would be best; I'm a teacher and from experience think students do best in their GCSEs of they make informed decisions when choosing them in year 9. If your sister starts a new school in year 9 you would be giving her the opportunity to speak to staff members about what exam boards they follow, get to know what subjects are available (sadly she may find the difference in options between state and private schools is staggering) and just generally have a year to settle in and find her feet before the hard work of year 10 starts. I also agree with pp that you should receive some form of maintenance from your mum to help support her and pay for the extra person in your household.

I have taken in a sister who was going to college, but with additional needs which meant that she was emotionally much younger than her 18 years. I am much older. Our parents have a chaotic home life. Clearly it would be a bigger commitment for you due to your sister's age. Fortunately my sister has been very independent and mostly has needed the odd bit of advice and moral support. She has helped out with babysitting my kids and likes to help me when she can, so although I don't really feel I have spare mental capacity to look after another person, we get by.

The most relevant things here are whether you can handle the extra responsibility, and whether it would be better for your sister. I understand that you are worried about enabling your mother's irresponsible behaviour, but think that isn't significant compared to the welfare of a child at such a vulnerable age. If your mother wants to behave badly, it's not your job to stop her. But if you can limit the damage done to your sister, and give her a stable home life, then you will be doing something remarkable and truly generous and worthwhile.

Do you have children yourself? Is your sister easy for you to get on with?

Do what is best for your sister and deal with your Mum separately. Don't catch your sister in the middle because you don't want to indulge your Mum. Even though I fully understand not wanting to do that.

Thank you for the responses so far.
I have no children (we are mid 20s and plan to start a family in the next few years). Sister and I are close and I will talk to her - she is largely very independent.
Does anybody know how I'd go about arranging schools? We've clearly missed the boat for regular school applications but would there realistically be places in September?

If she is year 8 it is a mid year transfer so no missing regular applications. You contact the individual schools and ask if they have a place. If they don't you can go on the waiting list.

As it would be an informal fostering/kinship care she wouldn't get preference as a looked after child. However your parents should contact social services for advice. If she goes into care and is then placed with you then you may be eligible for financial help etc

www.leeds.gov.uk/docs/Kinship%20Care%20Guide%20LICENSED%20COPY.PDF

I think it depends on the school as to whether they would take her in September. Whereabouts in the country are you? If a school is undersubscribed then there might not be too much of a problem with her starting in September. If oversubscribed then it might be a different story. I'm sorry, I don't know the ins and outs of it. At my school we regularly have students arrive throughout the year, but we are undersunscribed and therefore have capacity for them. Best to contact the school directly (If an academy) or local council if it's still LEA controlled. Sorry I can't be more help! Hopefully someone with more info will be along soon

Phone the local authority and they will give you a list of schools with places in her age group.

www.gov.uk/foster-carers/types-of-foster-care

It would probably beneficial to do it formally as then age 18 she would be emancipated and get access to larger uni loans etc.

She wouldn't have to go into care, she would go straight to you but with legal provision around the arrangement.

Surely this needs a lot of thought - she'll have long term issues of being abandoned by her own parents surely, no matter how the short term might appear easier all round?

Your parents need to take a fucking huge grip and get on with being parents.

Most private schools will offer bursaries to families that run into financial difficulty. May be worth talking to them, it may be less destabilising for her, especially if she is a boarder.

I took in my 16 year old sister when I was 21 and unfortunately it did not end well. But I think there was not a big enough age difference.

www.childline.org.uk/info-advice/home-families/family-relationships/living-care/

www.fosterline.info/kinship-care-friends-and-family-care/

Personally if I was you I would look at kinship foster care rather than an informal arrangement.

regarding school this is a good time to change - she is going into yr 9 where they now start some of the gcse syllabus (science in particular) so moving now rather than during the next year would be the best timing - if she moves before Sept then she gets chance to meet others, familiarise herself with teh school and feel confident about September rather than anxious all summer. Alot depends on your sister but she def needs to eb the priority here

Your best bet would be to start by contacting a lawyer and/or your local authority to see about arranging for you to be her legal guardian, if it comes to that. Then you'll have to start looking for a school for her.

Be advised that this may change your relationship with her. You'll have to be the "bad guy" if she breaks your rules. You will effectively have to be a stand in parent for her. You'll also want to take stock of your finances and ensure that you're in a position to take her in, and you'll need to consider the impact on your relationship.

You and your sister will all need time to adjust when she moves in. This can be difficult. All of these are things you'll need to keep in mind.

Do you think your sister would respect you and your dp in parental roles or would she think that because you are sisters she can behave however she pleases.

If her private school is not too far away from you, you could explain circumstances and add if there is access to a scholarship or bursary to enable your sister to stay with them.

if she has to move, arrange with the local schools to go and have a look around. Some may be having open days anyway during summer term.

Meant to say, you need to arrange to get her family allowance and look into claiming child tax credits.

Horrible situation, am really sorry. Your sister is going to need a lot of emotional support I imagine what with her parents effectively abandoning her. I think it very much depends on how close she is to mum, and what your relationship with her is like. Does she already view you as a parental figure?
I went through something similar as a child, my mum was a doctor & I don't know the full details but she lost her job due to mental health/alcoholism.
If I'd had an even half sane big sister i would've jumped, nay leaped at the chance to live with her & get away from the bat shit crazy shit going on at home.

I had a younger brother palmed off to me when I was 24 he was 21. It was awful.
I kind of couldn't forgive them for giving up on him. Different circumstances of course but I think parents should not expect siblings to look after what they themselves failed at. It's wrong.

You are a great sister op.

I took care of my younger sister and I have never regretted it. She is so young and vulnerable at her age.

I agree you're mum is being incredibly selfish and because she is selfish she is likely to do what she wants to do.

Has she been totally honest with you about what her legal advisor said. Maybe he told her she would not be able to return to her profession and she wants to avoid embarrassment?

I really feel for you op, you are between a rick and a hard place.

Sorry I don’t have much advice, but you sound like an incredibly supportive sister and she is lucky to have you as the stable and rational force in her life. Your mum may just be venting as she is so worried. I hope it all works out for the best for you.