To think fuck, it’s me! I’m the common denominator. The realisation is here

[pissedoff43]

Always struggling with kids/work/housework
LOADS of family nearby, they never come round, maybe once a year at xmas ifvwe invite..,,,
Never ask to see the kids etc
Never socialise with us well very very rarely and not just us and them iyswim more that we see them at a wedding etc

Recently I’ve been unwell. Still no offers of help, no calls or texts literally we are out of sight out of mind I think. They are all fully aware.
It’s got me thinking it’s me. There are too many people for it to be coincidence. Nobody wants to see ME
We get excuses if we invite over that already busy
If we ever asked for help it excuses

Then we find out they’ve all been out together or the person who said they were too ill or tired or busy to see us or helpnwitg kids on occasion has been helping out with other kids in the family no problem at all.

I feel like fucking shit I really do

Nah, chances are you are simply surrounded by people who have all influenced each other to be slightly rubbish unhelpful people.

But they all help each other ...... socialise together etc and all live in close proximity yet iam totally ignored. Always busy if I suggest meeting up or similar
Never available / ill if we occasionally need some help yet it always seems to come out at a later date that x wasn’t available for us but went and babysat for someone else
I’m just lonely and struggling and feel like it’s a close family and I’m on the outside looking in

Brutally- you feel like shit because you’re surrounded by people who make you feel that way. Family are arseholes, get some friends, you get to pick nice ones :)

Same here and I’ve realised over time it isn’t me - it’s just a small group of people called my family who are dysfunctional and treat me like shit.

Not anymore.

Head high op, it’s not you. Put your heart and effort where it’s reciprocated. It hurts to be part of a shit family- you don’t choose them but you do choose to withdraw from them if they hurt you.

Agree with pp. Sometimes family aren't your best friends. For whatever reason.
You need mates instead.

It’s horrible feeling so bloody lonely and exhausted when everyone’s so near by but just can’t be bothered with us, well me from what I can gather from little snippets I hear
Sick of it and feeling low
I’d give anything for just once a fortnight someone to take some notice of the kids

There’s an awful lot of the word “we” in there. Why are you taking ALL the blame?

Does everyone in your family socialize in 2’s? Is there scope for you to build relationships on your own first?

Do you somehow not 'comply' with their ideal of family life?

Are you the intelligent one that they don't quite 'get'?

Do you trust any of your relatives enough to ask them to tell you honestly why this happens?
They may have a sensible reason or they may just try to flannel, in which case you'll know they aren't worth bothering with.

Is there a matriarchal figure who you've pissed off that the others won't cross?

I do think some people believe that they're so worthy of others' acquaintance that their bar is set high and they're eminating a vibe that communicates 'wanna be my friend, gonna have to prioritise me and value me'. It is difficult to artificially generate that!

No parents to talk it through with? Sister? Brother? Sounds horrible.

Oh pissedoff can I join in? E.g., Cousins who have sponged off us for years - fit us in when they are passing somewhere else. When lunch is arranged ask if they can arrive at 11 so they can eat everything then move on to next event with family they really like, and then tell us that their car is full of the food and drink they are providing for the "nice" family for a later lunch!!

Same, but I deserve it as my in-laws piss me off (no family of my own) so I've no doubt they avoid me.

Best thing I can advise is to stop wanting or expecting them to be involved. Much easier that way, do your thing, raise your kiddies as best as you can and they'll soon work the rest of the family out for themselves.

Yes, MIL considers me weird
Cited me as the reason dh doesn't go to see her much 🤔

If your immediate family don't want to spend time with you then there must be a reason.....smokers, naughty kids, moaning Minnie, dirty house, obnoxious partner, previous falling out? I don't know, you might be the nicest person in the world and everyone else in your family is shit. You'll never find out unless you ask them why you have been shunned.

It’s not you. It’s them.

Can I just clarify pissedoff43 are all the people who are threading you like this attached to each other? Are they all your family like parents and siblings etc?

They aren't separate groups of peoples?

If so then the likelihood is that you happen to be one of the unlikely club it's called the shitty family club and none of us want to be in it but those of us that have been forced to join take a very long time normally to realise we're in it but then if we're lucky we find a way to learn that it's them not us! Then if we are really lucky we teach ourselves how to survive and protect ourselves from the worst of it some of us but not many even get out the club by going n/c but that's not always a solution either.

Oh and by the way if they are separate groups it still might be the shitty family club because being in means we don't always recognise shitty people so we get stuck with shitty friends too

I had the same OP. In my case I think it's because I have an autistic cloak of invisibility. If I pulled them up on it then I'm just being over sensitive. Yep, being upset at being left out of going to scatter my dad's ashes is just me being over sensitive.

As a previous poster said, ditch them and create a better family with nice friends who genuinely care. I haven't seen anyone from my side of the family for almost 4 years.

Screw the family. Get support from your friends, after all you chose each other, unlike your family.

Your DH is likely to be the common denominator. It is in my house, none of my family visit, only my DM comes down if I invite her. Realised its my OH that makes them feel unwelcome and in truth when I told him recently my DM was coming down he suggested he go and see his friend. So perhaps have a rethink...

I'm in a similar situation - cliquey in laws. I've left them to it and got myself a great little life. Now I look at them and think I'm glad they've got each other to gossip and bitch about but I'm done seeking their approval.

There you go then. It's your mil, not you.

All through university i had really shit housemates, who did a range of things, sleep naked with no bedding, steal, leave chicken bones in the bath (Wtf?) Steal someone's chicken and replace it with rotten chicken, leave used condoms in the common areas, domestic violence and although pro choice, it was somewhat strange hearing someone brag about how many abortions they had as a point of pride. And this isnt even scratching the surface. For many of these things i had no part but had to suffer their actions So it couldn't have been me. Sometimes it just happens.