To think fuck, it’s me! I’m the common denominator. The realisation is here

[pissedoff43]

Always struggling with kids/work/housework
LOADS of family nearby, they never come round, maybe once a year at xmas ifvwe invite..,,,
Never ask to see the kids etc
Never socialise with us well very very rarely and not just us and them iyswim more that we see them at a wedding etc

Recently I’ve been unwell. Still no offers of help, no calls or texts literally we are out of sight out of mind I think. They are all fully aware.
It’s got me thinking it’s me. There are too many people for it to be coincidence. Nobody wants to see ME
We get excuses if we invite over that already busy
If we ever asked for help it excuses

Then we find out they’ve all been out together or the person who said they were too ill or tired or busy to see us or helpnwitg kids on occasion has been helping out with other kids in the family no problem at all.

I feel like fucking shit I really do

OP, I really sympathise with you. It's a heartbreaking situation to be in and it can make you feel very low. It was same for us when DC were small. I was shattered with one very ill baby and another hyperactive one. DM&D lived a few minutes away but were always too busy socialising to help out. It made DH and my marriage much stronger. We just stuck out some rough times together. The sad thing is it's made me feel quite cool towards my parents now they're old and frail and needy. I'll help a bit - not often. I'd be round there regularly if they'd shown any interest in DC but DC are late teens now and my parents hardly know them.
There's no point in wanting things ot be other than they are. It just makes you low and bitter (ime.) Look to other places and people for friendship and strength and support and good times socially. Gradually, you'll find the people who you matter to.

It’s all dh family they keep me at arms length even if that means they never see the kids
My family apart from a couple all live quite far away (and tbh are just busy and too lazy to use any precious time coming to see me)

Well according to dh i should stop moaning about things I can’t change
He doesn’t get it at all said we don’t get invited to things because everyone knows I like to keep myself to myself

But it’s not true so why do they think that?!

Even from your OP, it was pretty clearly them not you. Your subsequent posts confirm that.

You need to find some friends you like and spend time with them instead.

Sounds like a close-knit family group who are rather 'local' and suspicious of 'outsiders', anyone the slightest bit different from them. Their loss.

I am shy that is perhaps an issue but whenever I’ve seen them I try to chat and be sociable I just am maybe not as outgoing as they all are
Yes they are close knit and all have similar interests whereas I don’t share those

if it's all your in laws and your DH doesn't care then why do you care? its far more likely to be either him keeping them at arms length or them seeing him as 'different are they really likely to stop seeing their son/brother because his wife is shy?

dont worry about not being close to the in laws. Plenty of people aren't. As pp said concentrate on developing some really good friendships and let them get on with it.

They are twats.

Sounds like you've tried to make the effort but they don't.

You can’t make your ILs like you. Sad, but true.

I like what Rupaul says about choosing friends as your family and I keep it as a mantra whenever there is drama. Adapted, as I'm not gay.

"We as gay people get to choose our family and the people we're around. I am your family. We are a family here."

I have built my own close-knit group of people without local family help, either because of geography or they just have shitty relatives. Cheesy but we have become family.

I sympathise, OP, my family are similar. My mum is dead, my dad is old and, although I love him, too self-absorbed to help me and my DD. My sister has never done anything to help me or DD and rarely even checks in on us.

I would echo what others have said, though, the fact that people are related to you doesn't guarantee they will have your back or consider your needs. It's shit, but its a lottery. Friends you have chosen for their reliability are the only people you can really count on.

This is very hard for you when you are feeling unwell to feel so unsupported. We are constantly bombarded with ideas of the ideal family, the importance of family, its all very rosy and if you are one of those lucky familyish people on facebook, then you are very fortunate. Sometimes it just isn't like that. People can be selfish and thoughtless. Sadly I think you have to really lower your expectations of these people, so that you won't be so hurt when they continue to behave like this. It might be that its a communication problem and perhaps you need to assess whether better communication might help? Its worth a try. But from what you say it is them. You can't change them, but you can change how you view them. YOu don't need 100 friends, just one or two. Dont see the people who make you feel bad, see the ones who make you feel good and keep busy the rest of the time. See if there's someone you can talk to about this. I hope you get better soon and start to feel better about things. Can you make some plans of nice things to do with your partner and children when you are feeling better, which I hope is soon.

Do you have enough money to pay for a course of counselling with a good counsellor who can explore this properly with you? We can all hazard opinions but it’s guesswork and likely to be complex - it would be much better if you could explore this with a supportive but challenging counsellor who can help you unpick it

If it’s the in laws then it makes more sense. They are each other’s blood and are comfortable with and accustomed to each other.

Yes they’re twats for not being nicer to you and making an effort but there’s no shame in not fitting in to a totally separate family unit.

It’s not you OP it’s them. Maybe you are doing too good a job of coping getting on with things that they don’t feel needed and they are helping out other more openly needy family members?
That happened in my family I had DS and DD very very close together, was an older mum with a few health issues, DH out 13 hours a day with work and commute etc etc. I started getting panic attacks and GP said I should actively ask my family for help rather than waiting for them to offer. I will never forget my mum saying if he (DS 13/14 months old) is climbing on you while your trying to feed her (DD tiny baby) or if you can’t get on with anything for him just put him in a travel cot and just let him cry!!!
I haven’t fallen out with family I just don’t let them hurt me. They see me as more capable and having more money than my needy greedy feckless sister who dined out on post natal depression with the help of round the clock babysitters my parents who were always far too busy to help me as my sister and my niece always came first. Looking back I think I had PND but didn’t have the time help or opportunity and although I didn’t feel well a lot of the time and was barely coping I didn’t want my babies taken into care.

BIG HUGS
Remember: "Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission." Bloody hard not to let them sometimes, though, isn't it?xx

If so then the likelihood is that you happen to be one of the unlikely club it's called the shitty family club and none of us want to be in it but those of us that have been forced to join take a very long time normally to realise we're in it but then if we're lucky we find a way to learn that it's them not us! Then if we are really lucky we teach ourselves how to survive and protect ourselves from the worst of it some of us but not many even get out the club by going n/c but that's not always a solution either..........Oh and by the way if they are separate groups it still might be the shitty family club because being in means we don't always recognise shitty people so we get stuck with shitty friends too.

^^This.