To think I'm just shit at being a mum or this baby has autism too?

[Idgie]

I'm at my wits end. DC1 has autism and was a hard baby/toddler. DC2 is 18 months and is turning out to be just as hard. Every night we have over an hour of screaming getting him to bed. I have a routine bath/bottle/bed. I don't leave the room. I sit next to the cot. He screams for over an hour every fucking night. I lie him down he pops up. We can't cosleep or it takes hours to get him to bed and then I get no sleep. WTF am I doing wrong? I'm so sick of the screaming. I'm past feeling sorry for him. I just want it to stop.

One of my dn did this without autism. Yabu if there are no other signs.

Autism does run in families so your baby could have it. What did you do with your eldest to get him off to sleep?

You’re definitely not a shit mum! Ask any Mum about bedtimes with toddlers (especially when there are older kids!) and the will tell you of their nightmare. Honestly, toddlers are horrendous sometimes.

DD was like that at 18 months. Used to have to do gradual withdrawal/controlled crying, all sorts to get her into bed. She is NT,
DS1 who is autistic used to go to bed lovely!

This sounds really tough. I’m not surprised you’re at your wits end.

Bombardier how utterly judgemental and unhelpful

That's really hard work. It's not that you are doing anything wrong. Try a different approach and see if gets better. Agree that that is tough to do when you are cream crackered to start with.

Staying in the room did not work with either of my DC. If I was in the room then they wanted to be out of bed with me.

Putting them down and leaving them to settle in increased increments of 5 mins was bloody hard but worked for all of us.

Mine are 15 and 11 now and it didn't do them any harm.

What's he like once he's gone down - does he stay asleep?

It's hard but if it's an hour and then a full night's sleep, that's very different to sleep deprivation (for you/your reaction/strategy I mean).

Dd was similar and she doesnt have autism. Very right (or left - which one makes you good at maths and very analytical?) brained though.

I’m sorry you’re struggling. My middle dc is autistic and was a very high needs baby. It really made bonding with him very difficult and I had terrible PND. I wish I’d known at the time what I know now as he completely bewildered me after my first baby was a total dream. However, my third was just as hard and he’s NT. We realised fairly early on that Ds2 had a dairy allergy and the improvement was pretty much immediate. I cut it from my diet as I was feeding him and he was like a different child. It might be worth looking very closely at his diet to see if anything in particular precedes him being uncomfortable? Looking back I think ds1 also had dietary issues but no one actually suggested it. You have my full sympathy over the lack of sleep, especially because if your autistic child is a thing like mine, you won’t get any kind of downtime in the day. Unless there are other signs, please don’t worry about ASD. I knew from about 18 months that my son was likely to be autistic, but I also let PND allow me to question if I was just neurotic and not coping. It took 7 more —bastard— years to get ds a diagnosis.

Eh? The OP does not sound aggressive at all! Well done though in trying to make the OP feel like shit!

bombardier that’s really helpful look at the tone you’ve used here, it’s really judgemental. Glad the OP doesn’t have only you to talk to in real life.

OP, you poor thing this must be exhausting. Sleep deprivation is torture. Literal torture. Have you got the funds for a sleep consultant? Is your DS any better if you’re not in the room? Maybe a rapid return would be better than you sat there constantly.

My youngest did this and he is not autistic at all, my ND child went to bed like an absolute star though and always has

If it's any consolation my DS(3) has always gone off to sleep like a lamb (he is being assessed for ASD now) whereas most of his NT friends are still destroying their parents health and sanity every night.

Which doesn't help with your immediate sleep problems, but just to say if he's meeting all his milestones etc being a horrible sleeper doesn't indicate autism.

Firstly no you absolutely not a shit mum you are a very tired stressed out mum. How old was DC1 when they were diagnosed autistic and is DC2 showing any other signs that suggests they are on the spectrum. Is there anyone else who can help ? .Thinking grandparents perhaps as just guessing DC2 may be picking up on your emotions. Being a parent of an autistic child can be challenging so don't beat yourself up .Please though do go speak your gp or HV may be something else possibly is keeping DC2 awake at night but you definately need to ask for help or you will burn yourself out .Remember asking for help is not a sign of weakness .Good luck .

Bombardier odfod, anyone normal would be swearing in the OP 's shoes. The baby isn't on MN you know.

DD1 was similar, hated the cot. We took the side off so we could sit on the bed and hold her down rather than bending over the cot the whole time. If it's a disaster you can put the side back on. We still spend hours sat with her some nights!

Might be that you're autistic yourself and very sensitive to noise. Found this out myself!

@Bombardier25966

You're sounding very aggressive towards a baby. Your baby. Please speak to your GP or health visitor about your feelings.

FFS. Are you some kind of saint with a martyrdom complex? What a horrible post.

Bombadier you sound like you're deliberately being silly to make trouble.

OP, you're not aggressive. Having angry feelings towards a baby is perfectly normal. What isn't is beating them up, at the risk of stating the obvious.

Sympathies

Hi OP. Yanbu it’s tough having a child who won’t settle at night and it’s understandable to look for reasons- autism being an obvious choice if it’s in your family. But it’s impossible to know without looking at other behaviours of your DS. If it’s any reassurance my DS is almost 2 and was just the same, he’s only just started settling for bed. I took bedtime in turns with my dp, downloaded some good podcasts and sat in his bedroom while he yelled and screamed at me until he fell asleep. He doesn’t do that now but at the time it was so difficult and all consuming. I hope this is just a phase for you too xx

You are an brilliant mum - The fact you have come on this forum and reached out to ask for advice means you are a good mum and you care and you are looking for help.

Remember, this is not permanent. Although at the time it feels like it's never going to end all these stages are temporary. You will get through it.

I think what you need is an escape, wether it be an hour for a coffee with a friend or relative. You need to have a breather for your own sanity.

You also need to take it in turns with your other half during all this screaming. You need to be in a team and tag each other in and out when you are loosing patience.

We have all been there, it's normal to feel this way. But don't let it build up and build up, ask for help. Speak to to friends, relatives, the local children's centre. You are not alone xxxx

And bombardier ... you’re allowed to be frustrated without being aggressive towards your baby what a atrange comment. When you have children you are no longer allowed to be frustrated about anything they do? It doesn’t mean she’s annoyed at her child, it doesn’t mean she has any ill feelings towards her child - she’s just frustrated at this particular time in her child’s life. She’s venting on a forum, which I think is a perfectly healthy way of dealing with something that she’s going through and can’t realistically change (yet). Give her a break.

Hi OP
Just thought I would offer a hug Sleep deprivation, daily bomb defusing and constant screaming all take their toll. I have heard of autism running in families but possibly it is too early to tell with your youngest although I understand your worry. With me it was the other way round - I started seeing symptoms in the older one who I thought might have been masking but no diagnosis as of yet.
You have my sympathies. I ended up cosleeping with mine just to get 4-5 hours in. I have no answers, just unlimited sympathy xx