To think I'm just shit at being a mum or this baby has autism too?

[Idgie]

I'm at my wits end. DC1 has autism and was a hard baby/toddler. DC2 is 18 months and is turning out to be just as hard. Every night we have over an hour of screaming getting him to bed. I have a routine bath/bottle/bed. I don't leave the room. I sit next to the cot. He screams for over an hour every fucking night. I lie him down he pops up. We can't cosleep or it takes hours to get him to bed and then I get no sleep. WTF am I doing wrong? I'm so sick of the screaming. I'm past feeling sorry for him. I just want it to stop.

My eldest, who is ASD as it happens, went through this at a similar age. I remember well the despair and desperation. One night I put her to bed half an hour earlier for some reason and she just went to sleep. Turned out she was overtired all along. IME bedtime problems stem from either not being tired enough or being too tired. So look at the sleep routines as a whole. Could be too much nap in the day? Or maybe the nap is too late in the day? My DD absolutely could not sleep past 4pm or she would not sleep before 10pm! Please keep hope, there will be an answer, you just haven't found it yet.

We’ve literally just this week started sleep training DD (almost 2) because she started screaming at us at bed time, chucking her toys around and generally causing a massive rumpus for hours at a time. I eventually figured if she was screaming while we were with her was it really so different for her to scream without us? Turned to Supernanny where you let them cry but go back in in intervals. We’re only 3 nights in but the last 2 nights she’s been asleep within 10 minutes! Hoping it continues. I’m not surprised you’re knackered, it’s so rough! Hope you find a solution. Oh and if you’re a shit mum, I definitely am! I have a sneaking suspicion you’re not shit at all though...

DH eventually convinced me to do controlled crying with DS1 but it was bloody awful and didn't really work but maybe I need to try with DS2. DS1 still needs me to check on him every 2 then 5 then 10 minutes until he falls asleep and he's 7!

I fed DS2 to sleep until it didn't work any more. Then I rocked and walked him to sleep until he got to heavy for it to be practical. Then I got in the blooming cot with him until he felt safe in it. Now I pop him and lie at the end of my bed so he can see me and pretend to sleep unless he's hysterical then I lay him down and stroke his back for a minute. He'd happily have me stroke his back but I just can't be doubled over the cot for that long. And honestly I'd really like to have an evening....at some point. Maybe I should try taking the side off? Or should I just do controlled crying? I feel like I'm doing him no favours.

Once asleep he still wakes at least once for a bottle. I truly hoped he'd give it up when he was ready but it's not looking likely! The poor neighbors have been very patient but they do ask "what's wrong with the baby?" And that makes me feel awful. I just thought, I hoped, this time would be easier.

I think a lot of toddlers are the same. The only ones I know that go to sleep "by themselves" are given a bottle or a dummy etc.

I'm still feeding and rocking my nearly 2 yo DC to bed! She would do exactly the same as your DS if I just laid her down, I tried various sleep techniques but don't want her to be left to cry so I'm just hoping she grows out of it!

On the other hand my nephew has ASD and was an amazing sleeper as a baby, had a perfect routine and went to sleep at 7pm on the dot, slept all night.

My DS1 was like this - we co-slept, and decided to try to get our evenings back. Every night from when he was 18 months (when we started, rather than just having him up until we went to bed), until he as past 3, he had me in bed with him for a good 30 mins or he was screaming. And I had to very, very carefully get out or I had to start over.

A switch flicked at 3.5, and I'd just say 'roll over' and he would and he'd go to sleep. No training, nothing I did, something just happened in his brain.

I tell you, those first evenings of sitting out with DP at 8pm were WIERD - I just couldn't remember what we used to do.

And that's how we got DS2 :)

You're not a shit mum. You're just tired and stressed. You need some help and advice, please see your HV as soon as you can to ask about sleep advice, and do you have a close family member or friend who can stay with you for a few days to help out?

Oh, and DS2 was a dream - slept through from 8 months, then went in with his brother and has never been an issue (although he is scared of the dark, unlike DS1).

I've 4 ,2 with ASD.i cut out all day time naps from 18 months old...I wore them out in the day with lots of fresh air,and walking on rains.dinner at 4pm.supper at 6.30 of weetabix / porridge type ,then bath bottle ,and I sat by their cot holding their hand while I read to them ,obviously they couldn't understand the story ,but I used cat in the hat ones ,Mog ones .all kinds ,my voice soothed them to sleep...but I made sure they were full ,and tired..I'm really sorry things are so hard for you xx I hope someone's advice on here helps you,because there is nothing worse than trying to look after a toddler when you are utterly exhausted x🌻🌸🌷💐🥀

You are not a shit Mum. You are a Mum spending a hour getting your child to go to sleep. No shit Mum would do that!
I’m sorry not to have a solution for you. Co sleeping worked for me but you mentioned it wasn’t for you.
All I can off is an online hug and the hope that this phase will soon pass 💐

This isn't autism, this is just a child being a child.
This isn't you being a shit parent either.
I don't think you sound like you need to see a GP unless you feel you do either, I think you sound knackered and stressed, both of which can stir up angry feelings depending on your personality.
Are you a single mum? If not, why are you not getting any help at night so you can catch a bit of sleep?
Or any other support so you can have a break in the day?
Are you making sure you get you time if you can? I don't know what support you have so sorry if it sounds stupid.

This isn't autism, this is just a child being a child.

You don’t know that. And the thing is, if you’ve been through it once then it’s a huge worry that you’re going to have to face it again, and you know what you’re in for.

(One of mine is autistic, we still consleep and he has never ever slept through.)

The routine isn't working. Stop doing it. Bath him first thing and just do bottle book bed or just bottle cuddles bed, or even give him his bottle earlier. Find his sleep cues and when he's tired and work with them. Give him extra naps if he has none or less naps if he has two. Play dance party before bed time to make it fun and tire him out (though this can overstimulate some).

If you have to rock him or hold him to sleep because that's what he wants, just do it. Wait another 10 minutes after you think he's asleep before putting him down.

He sounds like he wants a long cuddle and some comfort and you keep putting him back in his cot when he just wants the contact.

Babies are not naturally supposed to sleep on their own. Some hate it. Some get used to it. Yours doesnt sound like he ever will.

Also have you considered he may be hungry and needs more food later on in the day or a larger bottle? How many OZ are you giving him?

You're not a shit mum, a tired and stressed one maybe, but not shit. If you were you wouldn't be reaching out on here and you wouldn't be sitting with your son each night so he isn't alone

Do you have anyone who can help - partner/mum/friend - even if they can't sit with your son on their own, they can be company, make you a cup of tea, bring snacks etc? Just so you don't feel alone?

You may have tried the following so apologies if you have but can you put calling music on a phone/iPad - might help him get off to sleep? Does he have a favourite teddy that might help? What about lighting - too dark/not dark enough?

Can you put earphones in and listen to music/watch programmes or whatever just so that you are not listening to nothing but screaming?

It will get better in time - I can remember when my son was younger (from about 8-18 months) when he would wake hourly and take ages to settle and I felt utterly broken and would have happily given him to the first person who walked past the door! Thankfully, I live rurally so not many passers by and it did get better in time.

Look after you OP

He had reflux as a baby and often seems constipated now. I switched him over to lactose free formula when he stopped breast feeding. I think food intolerances could be at play but the GP isn't interested. Maybe I should go to a private paediatrician? He just seems distressed a lot during the day too. He has very limited language (another thing that worries me) so I can't tell what the matter is. He eats for England and is above the 90th centile so no worries that he's not getting enough.

I could pay for a sleep consultant but I have no idea how to vet a good one really. And I worry that if he is in discomfort I'd be leaving a child in pain to cry. Although maybe it doesn't matter to him or it's winding him up that I'm there? I just don't know anymore. DH does his part but travels lots for work.