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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it isn't normal to ASK

33 replies

SleepingStandingUp · 31/05/2018 17:41

What is wrong with someone's child, what's happened to them etc when you're a total stranger.

My son is in 24/7 o2. I get that it looks odd. And I'm used to people asking what's, wrong with him, what's happened to his face o2 held by white tape), etc. Some people ask if its o2, share their own experiences but most just ask weren't offs that, what offs wrong with him, what happened to him without even a hello.

DS thinks this is normal and acceptable and I should be nicer and tell them. I think curiosity is normal, voicing it isn't and my curt reply (I'm not rude) is fine if you've literally walked up to me and started asking random questions.

OP posts:
Ohmydayslove · 31/05/2018 17:45

Of course you are not unreasonable it’s very very rude and none of their business and I would b blanking them.

MissionItsPossible · 31/05/2018 17:47

I think people’s curiosity overrides their manners sometimes... or they are just plain rude.

Sirzy · 31/05/2018 17:48

Personally I would rather people ask (politely) than walk on by staring. I think people asking questions in the right way is a good way of people being educated on things and I would rather people be curious than judgemental.

Ohmydayslove · 31/05/2018 17:52

Both staring and asking are equally rude though. The ops dc doesn’t need to educate any random stranger.

Samcro · 31/05/2018 17:53

I have never got the oh its better is people ask.
People forget that they won't be the only person to do it, people like ghe op should be able to just get on with their day, they are not there to educate rude peolple.

Witchend · 31/05/2018 17:55

It might not be polite, but it's certainly normal.

Dd2 is missing her hand and if it isn't the first thing people ask it'll be the second.

bigbluebus · 31/05/2018 18:02

My DD (god rest her soul) was quite clearly disabled and in a wheelchair. For a few months, she too had tape on her face to secure an naso-gastric tube. I heard many children ask their parents about DD and would far rather they'd asked and educated their children than the usual response of shushing the child whils quickly dragiing them away.

Rainydaydog · 31/05/2018 18:10

How rude people are! If they do this whip out a charity collection form for a children's health charity, and guilt them into a big donation.

JessieMcJessie · 31/05/2018 18:15

I would never DREAM of asking a question like that to a total stranger. Perhaps if I (for example) found myself chatting to you in a long queue and after we’d exchanged a few pleasantries and chit chat I might politely ask, but to go up to a total stranger only for the purpose of asking? That’s rude beyond words. Who on earth would do that?!

Wolfiefan · 31/05/2018 18:17

A small child who didn't understand this was rude and is curious? Fine.
A grown adult asking what is "wrong" with a child? Awful. Really rude and completely inappropriate.

Flaminglingos · 31/05/2018 18:19

My stock answer is to reverse the question back to the asker, that usually stops them dead in their tracks.

JessieMcJessie · 31/05/2018 18:21

Flaminglingos what do you mean?

Asked says : what’s wrong with your DS?

Do you mean you say “what’s wrong with YOU!”.

Mermaid36 · 31/05/2018 18:23

I have a 2yr old on 24/7 oxygen, and her twin sister who isn't on it

I'm happy to answer any questions about it, if asked politely/nicely (adult or child)

What is rude and impolite is asking me if my child is going to die, or if she is "Ok in her head", or telling me that they can't be twins if one is on oxygen....morons.

Flaminglingos · 31/05/2018 18:24

Yes I mean that, 'what is wrong with you' so I reverse the question back at them. They usually don't like being asked that but unsurprisingly don't think twice about asking it of a child.

Original poster
SleepingStandingUp · 31/05/2018 18:24

Is walking up to a stranger, peering at their young child and asking what happened to him / what's wrong with him polite though Sirzy? Cos in theory I agree but I don't think most people ask politely and that's what gets me but then re today's comment, that should apparently be fine and I should get over it

OP posts:
Whirlytastic · 31/05/2018 18:26

My DD is disabled and in a wheelchair. I don't mind questions if they are polite and not insulting - as a PP said, I prefer questions to silent stares.

An example of a polite question is something like, 'Why does she eat through a tube?' Or 'what are those things on her legs [splints]?' Or 'why does she do that with her hands?' All of those are fine if said with an interest in her and a smile.

Not-fine is 'what's wrong with her?' Or even actually 'How old is she?' (I find that judgey.)

A lot depends on people's overall demeanour and how respectful they are of us, not just what they say. A smile to her and a positive observation - 'what great glasses you have', or 'I like your t-shirt - followed by a polite question will go down much better with both of us than any kind of pity or 'othering'.

Original poster
SleepingStandingUp · 31/05/2018 18:28

Witchend I guess that's it, it should be more aibu to still get annoyed by it and be curt or should embrace their nosiness.

Agree bigbluebus re kids. It annoys me when parents explain it away with he's poorly so I overly nicely speak up and explain he isn't poorly, he just...

OP posts:
Original poster
SleepingStandingUp · 31/05/2018 18:31

Rainydaydog don't. One of the more mortifying moments was when someone tried to give me money for him. I basically told her which hospital to donate to instead but I was so embarrassed.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 31/05/2018 18:31

Exactly whirly

MrsHappyAndMrCool · 31/05/2018 18:33

YANBU - I would never ask a stranger what is wrong with their child, that’s just something that you don’t do, a lot of people these days just lack manners.

Mermaid36 · 31/05/2018 18:34

I tend to say "she has been really poorly, and she gets tired very easily, so the oxygen just helps her to breathe"

It's easier than explaining extreme prematurity, multiple chest infections and a collapsed lung that was only picked up 2 months after it collapsed, plus several episodes of respiratory failure needing multiple PICU admissions...

Whirlytastic · 31/05/2018 18:38

I do quite want to educate people about disability and how it affects children and families - I don't want to scare them off. I want people to see that she's a real child not just a wheelchair-occupant - so I don't mind if they want to come and talk to us. But they have to want to do it properly. Anyone who head-tilts and says 'aw what a shame' can fuck off.

Original poster
SleepingStandingUp · 31/05/2018 18:45

So my DS who said I should be ok with it has never had a disabled child so had no bloody idea. It's helpful to here fellow parents who do know think I'm not awful and that this
A lot depends on people's overall demeanour and how respectful they are of us, not just what they say. A smile to her and a positive observation - 'what great glasses you have', or 'I like your t-shirt - followed by a polite question will go down much better with both of us than any kind of pity or 'othering'.
sums it up

OP posts:
Original poster
SleepingStandingUp · 31/05/2018 18:47

Mermaid36 well only if they're really pushy and insistent, then it serves them right being stuck there through a medical lecture 😂

I was hoping someone would say "I always do this" for a bit of insight lol

OP posts:
Ohmydayslove · 31/05/2018 18:55

But if you are out with your kids why should you have to ward off extremely personal
Questions from random strangers?

Everyone has a right to just shop or visit places or eat together without people sticking their beaks into their business.

bigbluebus

Firstly Flowers and I would be one of those parents shushing their children to A teach them that loud personal remarks are rude and B to think you have better things to do than satisfy my child’s curiosity or anybody else’s.

I wouldn’t have wanted to cause upset though.