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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Uninvited guests

28 replies

Feb2018mumma · 31/05/2018 16:30

Backstory...
Invited family member to come on day trip with us and they said no.
While we were in car leaving, around lunch time, they called asking to meet with us and come on day trip to see us and to drop something off, we said we were leaving and going home because I had a essay to do and was in a lot of pain (I have alot of health issues)

Roll on one hour later... Family member is at our house with no end insight. I'm trying to do my essay while recovering on sofa but they keep asking me questions about it. We are in silence in an obvious please leave way! There are lots of seats but they chose to sit on the sofa I am lying on with all my work spread out on.

Part of me thinks I am in pain and stressed about getting essay done in time and should be hospitable. The other half thinks I invited them out and they said no, they knew I was going home as in pain and doing work and came round uninvited and should have dropped the thing off and left? Or dropped it off another day? Or kept it til we next saw them!

Also alongside this uninvited visit i am getting alot of un requested advice on how to raise our child...

This is the fourth uninvited visit this month and we see the family member at least once a week... Twice already this week so it isn't that they are left out of our lives!

Please be kind if I am in the wrong!!

OP posts:
agnurse · 31/05/2018 16:32

You are not in the wrong. Your home is not their property. You are under no obligation to host them. A simple, "That doesn't work for us" is sufficient.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 31/05/2018 16:32

Can you not just say 'I feel really unwell, would you mind leaving please?'

Have you tried doing this?

QueenArseClangers · 31/05/2018 16:35

“Right, I’m afraid I’m going to have to rest/do work upstairs in my bedroom as I can’t concentrate down here.”

I’ll be ages so will text you next week when I’m free.”

AndromedaPerseus · 31/05/2018 16:37

Stand up say “ it’s been lovely to see you, but I need to get an early night in” get their coats etc and physically usher them towards the door

Original poster
Feb2018mumma · 31/05/2018 16:39

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy you are the voice of reason! Should definitely say that but is husband's family member and dont want to have them go home saying I asked them to leave!

OP posts:
bigchris · 31/05/2018 16:40

Just say mother in law instead of family member Grin

LeighaJ · 31/05/2018 16:41

Just like all other uninvited guests, they are being rude.

Original poster
Feb2018mumma · 31/05/2018 16:41

Concentrate one would be good but I'm sure they would offer to take my child while I did my essay rather than leave! It's one of those people who when you say you are busy they ask with what and they find away around your business... E.g. I can't today I'm going out for lunch and then meeting friends in the evening... 'oh so you could see me about 3pm then'

OP posts:
LeighaJ · 31/05/2018 16:43

Can your husband ask your MIL to leave?

fuzzywuzzy · 31/05/2018 16:43

Where’s your husband?

Leave him to entertain his family member and go hide up in your room till she’s gone.

Original poster
Feb2018mumma · 31/05/2018 16:43

@bigchris hahaha Halo Halo Halo

OP posts:
Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname · 31/05/2018 16:47

Say you feel like you need the loo badly, maybe a bug.....
Maybe scare them off??

DarlingNikita · 31/05/2018 16:49

If it's your DH's family he can tell them to sod off.

Failing that, get up and say a brisk 'Right, I have to escort you off the premises now, I've got to get this done!' Meet any protests with a bright smile and repeated shooing motions/arm round the shoulder as you manoeuvre them to the door.

happypoobum · 31/05/2018 16:51

Can you take to your bed?

DPotter · 31/05/2018 16:52

You're being too nice. And people who are too nice get walked over.

So take a deep breath and say - Look. I'm knackered and in pain, with a shed load of work to do. Please can you go now., It's been lovely catching up but I need some time for myself.
and repeat - I'm in pain, I need time to myself, please go.

Say this standing up and ushering family member / MIL out of the room.

When your DH comes home from work , ask him to have a quiet word and say she needs to back off. Pronto if there's to be no bad feelings.

Nanny0gg · 31/05/2018 16:54

I hate it when people say ‘family member’. Just say who it is!

Then tell them the situation and ask them politely to leave.

averylongtimeasspartacus · 31/05/2018 16:55

Leave your DH to sort them out, gather up your stuff and retreat to your bedroom for a "nap". work if you need to Take an ostentatious glass of water and painkillers with you

Italiangreyhound · 31/05/2018 16:58

@Feb2018mumma DEEP BREATH 'Uninvited guests name', ah I see it is now 5.00 so I am afraid I must ask you to leave now as I really must finish this essay and I am in a lot of pain."

Then it's broken record. Questions met with a smile and a "I am afraid I must finish this essay so cannot get into this now."

Just say it, please.

If they take offence, so be it.

If they complain, "But you invited me over!" "I invited you out for the day but that was hours ago." I must get on now, and I am in pain." REPEAT, REPEAT, REPEAT.

They are rude, they can see you are in pain and they can see you are busy yet they are taking up your sofa space and head space.

DeadGood · 31/05/2018 17:02

Sorry OP but you need to learn to speak up.
And yes, you also need to be asking yourself why your husband isnt stepping up.

Original poster
Feb2018mumma · 31/05/2018 17:04

@Nanny0gg I had a post on here before and know that when you say MIL people can see it as worse (I'm guilty of this) becuase they imagine their own MIL! Whereas family member could be brother or something which might have given people a different view... But seems I wasn't being too emotional and it is rude of her to be glued to my sofa!

OP posts:
gamerchick · 31/05/2018 17:06

It's your husband's relation, just leave them with him and go upstairs.

Bibesia · 31/05/2018 17:12

dont want to have them go home saying I asked them to leave!

Why not? If anyone makes an issue of it you or your DH can tell them why.

Mummyoflittledragon · 31/05/2018 17:25

Are you going to ask her to leave? Alternatively say this:

“Dearest mil. I had a lovely day with you. I’m sorry I can’t talk any more today. I really have to finish this essay and I’m in a lot of pain. You’re welcome to stay but could I ask that you go in the kitchen and shut the door. Please feel free to help yourself to some food. I’m parched, would you mind making me a cuppa and a sandwich.”

Maybe she will get the hint.

TheClitterati · 31/05/2018 17:39

good grief - get yourself together OP and tell them you have to work on your essay now and you will see them soon.

Do not say you are welcome to stay etc. Perhaps say you are welcome to take DC with you if you like - then you can chill/work as you like.

Italiangreyhound · 31/05/2018 17:55

@Feb2018mumma are they give yet?

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