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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What should I do?

31 replies

berriesandcream21 · 31/05/2018 14:02

Sorry not really AIBU but didn't know where to post.

I'm asking for advise about a friend. Well we aren't that close any more but I've known her since I was 4 and grown up together. Our families are close friends. We used to go on holidays together and all family parties. My Dsis is close friends with her sis too.

She had a child very young and the dad left. I feel from that point on she struggled with her health and generally looking after her DD. She has had alot of family support though. Anyway she's recently been dianogised with Bi polar. We had a feeling she might have been. She's very up and down and erratic sometimes. I found out she was pregnant last year. Her Dsis told me. It seems everyone knows apart from her parents which she is hiding it from. She's very small and the baby has health problems and isn't growing.

She's drunk all through her pregnancy. She lets people get stoned around her all the time. She rang her Dsis this weekend and said she wanted to kill herself and didn't know if she could even look after her DD atm. She can't go on medication until after the baby is born. And what prompted me to write this now is she's just posted on social media her drinking cocktails at 11am. I feel like she's out of control now.
I feel sorry for her and think she needs help. Also think something needs to be done with regards to her having help looking after DD and then when she has the new baby too.

What should I do? Should I get involved??

OP posts:
Original poster
berriesandcream21 · 31/05/2018 14:13

Any advice?

OP posts:
Original poster
berriesandcream21 · 31/05/2018 14:45

Bump

OP posts:
Lacucuracha · 31/05/2018 14:49

That sounds desperately sad. Sad

I would tell her parents. Maybe her GP too?

BlueJava · 31/05/2018 14:51

I thought about your post carefully before responding. Just from a personal perspective I would not try to intervene. I say this because I know I wouldn't have the time - I work FT, have a DP and 2 DS. She also seems to be self-sabotaging (being round smokers, still drinking etc.) and I'd find that draining. I'd rather concentrate on my family. Is it even likely she'd accept your help - you cannot help those who don't want it.

Ivegotfamilyandidrinkcupsoftea · 31/05/2018 14:52

How old is her dd?

FrazzledAndFeelingIt · 31/05/2018 14:55

I think I’d speak to her parents.

Lacucuracha · 31/05/2018 15:00

I'd rather concentrate on my family.

One phone call to the parents or GP wouldn't hinder this.

It's cruel to turn your back completely.

Original poster
berriesandcream21 · 31/05/2018 15:01

Her DD is 10. My Dsis took her DD out along with my friends Dsis. So just the 3 of them. And my Dsis heard my friend on the phone to her Dsis in the car. She was apparently crying down the phone and saying she wanted to kill herself. Luckily her DD was asleep in the car so didn't hear it. I'm concerned if I tell her parents she might turn on me. Is there anyway I could inform a health visitor of my concerns or a mental health person?

OP posts:
Emmageddon · 31/05/2018 15:04

It's a safeguarding issue. I'd tell her health visitor.

Lacucuracha · 31/05/2018 15:05

I think it's better that her parents are aware OP. You may lose the friendship but as you say, you're not that close anymore anyway.

How would she turn on you?

Original poster
berriesandcream21 · 31/05/2018 15:07

Thing is I know where she lives and what area. But I'm not entirely sure what area the health visitor is for. I think there might be a generic number for the whole of my county now. Should I just say I have concerns about someone and give her details? Do I have to leave my details? I don't want her turning against me.

OP posts:
Kocerhan3 · 31/05/2018 15:07

I wouldn't tell her parents, that's her prerogative whether she wants them to know or not and I'd be annoyed if someone went against that. What I'd do is give her numbers of people that can help, maybe some leaflets from doctors etc? And sit her down for a coffee and explain how you care for her, love her and if she's feeling under the weather or stressed then these are places she can turn and gently explain what each do. from there be there to support and help, maybe suggest her parents can help and encourage her to tell them so she can have more of a support network. At the end of the day, I know you care for her and she is having issues but you can't get too involved. She's an adult, she can make her own decisions and is in her own right to take your advice or not

Lacucuracha · 31/05/2018 15:24

It seems you care more about how it will affect you rather than what your friend and her baby are going through, OP.

HollyGoLoudly · 31/05/2018 15:31

It seems you care more about how it will affect you rather than what your friend and her baby are going through, OP. Really? I don't understand what's made you think that?

Help will only work when they realise they have a problem and actually want the help. But in the meantime there is an unborn child at risk and another DD who is undoubtedly being affected. Would social services not be the best agency to contact? Think @Kocerhan3 had good suggestions for how you could approach it with your friend.

deste · 31/05/2018 15:31

That’s not the impression I get from the OP Lacucuracha.

Graphista · 31/05/2018 15:36

In all honesty she already likely has the numbers for help and her sis will know too. I'm a bit 🤔 why her sis hasn't called someone or told their parents.

There's a young child and involved here and she's pregnant. Plus the way she's behaving could not only endanger the baby but could endanger her.

In your position I would contact her local community mental health team (council will know from her postcode which office if you're in a large county).

She should be under the maternity mental health team which it sounds like she isn't which is very worrying as that strongly suggests even her GP doesn't know she's pregnant and she's come off her meds cold turkey. Which with some meds can be physically as well as mentally dangerous.

Yes she's your friend and may fall out with you but I couldn't sleep leaving children in that situation (again wondering wtf the sister playing at).

Graphista · 31/05/2018 15:38

HollyGo the Cmht is made up of specialist Drs, nurses, psychologists AND social workers and sometimes care support too.

I am a Lp with mh dx. Dd is 17 now and deemed an adult but in the past we've had support from specialist sw attached to Cmht who made sure dd was well cared for and supported.

Motoko · 31/05/2018 15:43

You say you found out about her pregnancy last year, so her due date must be fairly soon, her parents will find out then anyway, so I think I'd have a word with them to give them a heads up. It's not fair of her to keep them in the dark if she's going to be needing/expecting their help.

I suspect her baby's not growing properly because of the drink, it may be born with foetal alcohol syndrome and will need a lot of care.

If you don't want to tell her parents, I think you should contact social services child protection.

Lacucuracha · 31/05/2018 15:44

Deste, I didn't either but OP seems unwilling to say how the friend will turn on her and is focused on this.

Chilli21 · 31/05/2018 15:53

It sounds as though she is in crisis. There are professionals that can help such as the Community Mental Health Team and the midwifery team will have a unit for vulnerable women. Some medication for mental health can be prescribed during pregnancy. Threats of suicide are worrying, especially with a child and unborn baby in the mix. If you are worried about repercussions you can make an anonymous referral through the NSPCC on 0808 800 5000. I would tell someone because you will feel terrible if something bad happens. Best of luck

Original poster
berriesandcream21 · 31/05/2018 15:59

When I say turn on me. I mean get nasty. I've grown up with her so I've seen what she can be like and trust me I don't want to get on her wrong side. But I worry about her so I don'tl want to do nothing as her MH is at stake and her DD and unborn child. So if something happened to her or her children is feel awful.
I don't know why he4 Dsis or DB hasn't done anything either.
The guy she is having the baby with left her over the weekend and this is why she was crying down the phone mainly. Also he is not a good role model. He is the one who gets stoned in her house around her and around her DD

OP posts:
Lacucuracha · 31/05/2018 16:03

I understand why you want to keep it anonymous in that case OP.

If her DB and did know is it likely that her parents already know?

Lacucuracha · 31/05/2018 16:04

*db and sis

helloBuddy · 31/05/2018 16:07

Contact Social services, her children need to be the priority at the moment and they don't sound like she's able to look after them at the moment. Your local council will have a duty team, google them number, you can do it anonymously.

MatildaTheCat · 31/05/2018 16:10

You could contact the HV team or call the maternity hospital and ask for the safeguarding midwife. They will be very concerned and will ensure she gets the support she clearly needs.

If they are already aware ( which is likely), you will still be adding crucial information. Safeguarding is often like a jigsaw of pieces being put together to form a picture and this sort of additional info is really important. Especially if she is telling all her health team she is fine.

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