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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To see my ex?

27 replies

CoquetteRegret · 31/05/2018 00:13

Is it ok to see an ex when you're in a relationship? This was an ex from 10 years ago! My current partner of 5 years can't seem to get on board despite the fact that this guy is just a friend now.

Aibu to see him anyway despite my partners discomfort?

OP posts:
Awwlookatmybabyspider · 31/05/2018 00:57

Of course your partner is paranoid and not thrilled. How would you feel if he was wanting to meet up with an old girlfriend.

Nb65988 · 31/05/2018 03:05

So ure partner needs to get on board with you meeting up with an ex from 10 years ago who btw is not a friend as u haven't seen or spoken to each other in years why the need to meet up with him

Monty27 · 31/05/2018 03:09

What the ^^ posts have said. Get real OP. It isn't all about you.

Copperbonnet · 31/05/2018 03:13

You haven’t given us enough information to judge.

It might be fine, it might not.

Original poster
CoquetteRegret · 31/05/2018 08:05

Apologies! We became friends after we split up and have seen each other every so often since. We speak every few months as I do with many of my friends.

Of course I get why DP wouldn't want me to meet up with an ex but I became friends with my ex before I started seeing DP.

Are there any circumstances where it's ok to remain friends and meet up with an ex when in a relationship?

OP posts:
lanbury · 31/05/2018 08:18

Personally I think an "ex" (as in someone you've had a past sexual relationship) is a no. It's different to just having a friend of the opposite sex who you chose to have a platonic relationship with. I think YABU. Your partners feelings should come first above your ex.

hidinginthenightgarden · 31/05/2018 08:20

I think most people would struggle with this. Not sure I would go ahead and do it anyway. Perhaps suggest that your DP joins you?

MrsPicklesonSmythe · 31/05/2018 08:28

I wouldn't be happy about it and I wouldn't put my partner in the awkward situation of having to give me permission. Unless you are best friends that see each other all the time and include new partners it's a bit unfair and will breed resentment/paranoia I don't think it's worth it personally.

Original poster
CoquetteRegret · 31/05/2018 08:30

That's a shame. My partner is more than welcome to join but I don't think he has any desire to.

I was 16 when I went out with him so I managed to convince myself that it didn't really count as I was so young. He's now just a friend who I care a lot about. It will be quite upsetting if I do decide to do as suggested and cease contact.

OP posts:
reddington · 31/05/2018 08:32

It would be different if it was a recent ex but it’s not. If you wanted to be with him you would be. I’m great friends with an ex and her DH and we see them socially. Your DP is a jealous tosser.

FASH84 · 31/05/2018 08:34

Oh god this was a teenage boyfriend not the love of your life, your partner needs to lighten up

ImNotMeImSomeoneElse · 31/05/2018 08:36

Well I disagree with the above posters.

I don't have many ex's that are still friends, but they are just that - friends. And when my ex and I would visit his home town, he would meet in with a female friend that he used to date.

I actuality think it's a bit odd to have shared your life with someone, and want to have nothing to do with them ever again once the relationship ends. Depending on how it ended of course.

FASH84 · 31/05/2018 08:36

According to MN all exes are bastards and men only hang around women to sleep with them. There's also a lot of collusion around jealous behaviours eg tracking phones and needing partner's passwords should be fine 'if they've got nothing to hide,' it's all very unhealthy, so you're unlikely to get much support here. This is a long standing friendship with someone you dated as a kid, YANBU.

ImNotMeImSomeoneElse · 31/05/2018 08:37

Glad to see I cross posted with people that have a more similar point of view.

CheeseToastie123 · 31/05/2018 08:41

My ex husband is one of my best friends, and my more recent ex is another. My friends are desperately important to me. Any new relationship potential who doesn't tolerate my friendships can get bent

SendintheArdwolves · 31/05/2018 08:41

I'm on good terms with most of my exes - ranging from "friends on Facebook who occasionally like each others posts" to "one of my exes is my best friend" levels of closeness.

Any new boyfriend of mine has to accept that situation - I'm not going to ditch friends I've had for a decade or longer and I am perfectly capable of having platonic relationships with people I used to be romantic with. Any new partner who can't get comfortable with that probably isn't the right guy for me.

In fact, I would consider it a red flag if I had a new boyfriend who started saying that I "couldn't" see certain of my friends because once upon a time I had gone out with them.

eggncress · 31/05/2018 08:43

I think that changes things a lot ... someone from your teens that you’ve been friends with ever since. Tell DP you’d like him to meet this friend too.So invite him along or tell him to get a grip,

Merryoldgoat · 31/05/2018 09:15

I would have no problem with this. As you’ve been in regular contact over the years you’ve had plenty of opportunity to decide you are still attracted to one another.

This obviously isn’t the case so I’d be fine with a meet up in light of the elapsed time and the age you were when you went out.

I would feel differently about a more recent ex or one who had a more ‘profound’ effect.

JacquesHammer · 31/05/2018 09:17

He’s being unreasonable.

You’ve seen each other in a continuing friendly relationship. It’s not as if he’s appeared out of the blue to rekindle the lost love.

Your boyfriend is being ridiculous

Elsi3 · 31/05/2018 09:53

The choice is up to your partner whether he is comfortable with it or not, no? I would definitely not be happy with my boyfriend meeting up with his ex. But he would probably be quite happy for me to meet up with one of mine. It just depends on the type of person he is. As he has expressed his disomfort with it, why would you want to upset him?

ImNotMeImSomeoneElse · 31/05/2018 12:10

Why is it up to the partner?

If the partner didn't like a friend, or didn't like you working in a particular job, or didn't like you eating meat because he is vegetarian, would that be up to the partner too?

Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname · 31/05/2018 12:11

Imo having a friend who has seen your fanjo at close proximity is def a no no.

Barbaro · 31/05/2018 12:20

Seems weird, why after such a long time does he want to meet up, even if you do speak now and again? Being an ex I think he has a motive to be honest.

If your partner isn't happy, then you should respect that. Would you be happy with him having a nice meet up with an ex of his that suddenly out of nowhere wants to see him?

pinkhorse · 31/05/2018 12:23

My ex (ds' dad) is one of my best friends. He is now married and his wife is lovely so we all get on fine. I don't see the issue if there re genuinely no romantic feelings for either of you

Elsi3 · 31/05/2018 21:55

But we’re not talking about a friend or being a vegetarian, I agree that would be irrational. We’re talking about meeting up with an ex, plenty of people wouldn’t be ok with it... I wouldn’t go against my partners wishes as I wouldn’t want to do anything to make him feel uncomfortable or worry him.