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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Parenting wobble on hols. Is my 7 yr old unreasonable

72 replies

Shiteholiday1 · 31/05/2018 00:06

Having the worst holiday. Staying in my dad’s caravan. Lovely when kids were younger but seems to be very stressful now. kids congregate in gangs on their bikes and my 7 yr old ds is not getting along well. Constant arguing. He will not keep his mouth shut when he disagrees with something and they all gang up against him.

I’m trying to look at things rationally. He is my child and I adore him but I would probably have found him irritating as a child however he’s never wrong in what he says. I’m not sure how to handle it.

Today he is public enemy number 1. I bought him a boomerang. Stupidly. He was having a nice time with one child before a huge group congregated taking over it. He ran in to tell me and I told him to share nicely hoping he would make more friends They then started throwing it on roofs of buildings and climbing up to get it. He started ranting that it was going to get lost, that they were going to hurt themselves on the roof. I marched out and took it off them completely fed up. He’s never wrong in what he says technically and I admire that he sticks up for what he believes but god, he makes himself unpopular. I am starting to hate these holidays. Help.

OP posts:

Pythonesque · 31/05/2018 06:51

Personally I'd be worried about what your older child was going to pick up from "playing" with a group that is behaving in this way. Sorry.

Tinkobell · 31/05/2018 06:55

Arrange a series of long day trips. Sounds like you are or were just counting on rocking up at the site and the kids would just self-entertain. Well, guess what...they don't like each other! It happens. Sometimes adults just don't like each other. You can't make people like each other all the time. If a gang type culture has developed against your son that's hard to crack.
Make it a nice day trips holiday .....plan B.

AjasLipstick · 31/05/2018 06:55

OP I'd just consider the kids were not particularly nice...and discourage my son from playing with them.

RedDwarves · 31/05/2018 06:57

People are so keen to label any child a ‘bully’ for not displaying

Almost as keen as you are to label a child with ASD because he was literal... when that is just how children are.

ThatsWotSheSaid · 31/05/2018 07:02

Most children would want to hang around with the cool older kids so much they wouldn’t rock the boat. They would understand the social hierarchy. His social skills could just be out of sync with his other skills or it could be a trait of ASD. Is there other things about him that could mean he is on the spectrum? Sensory issues for example?

Johnnycomelately1 · 31/05/2018 07:03

Any large and newly formed group of kids is likely to be problematic because everyone's jockeying for position and keen not to end up at the bottom of the pecking order. Add in v loose parental oversight and the fact they know they dont have to see one another again and its not a good recipe for harmony. Your son is 3 years younger than most of them, so he's bound to struggle. I think you just need to accept that the dynamic isnt working and arrange some day trips etc. as an alternative.

DrScully · 31/05/2018 07:05

@reddwarves - I said ASD was something to consider, not that he definitley had it.

Do you often have trouble grasping simple concepts?

Loopytiles · 31/05/2018 07:06

FFS why armchair diagnose autism?

steppemum · 31/05/2018 07:11

age 7 is the age of 'discussion'

In the playground you will often see a group of 7 year olds spend the whole playtime arguing about the rules of a game, and then 1 minute to play it before the bell goes.

It is a natural stage, they have all discovered the power of their own opinion.

So, I would say that on the one hand he is doing what all 7 year olds do.

Then he is sticking up for himself in a big group (who sound like they don't make great decisions) and he is brave enough to do that.

The no filter is quite normal in this context at 7.

When you have groups of kids like like, it is quite normal for the friendships to be interspersed by arguments. It is part of finding out who they are and how the world works.
Exhausting for the parents, and anyone listening in, but actually quite normal and healthy.

Take him away from it for chunks of time, and

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 31/05/2018 07:13

Large, mixed age groups of unsupervised children have the potential to go a bit feral. The groups don't have norms built up through long associations and there's no particular incentive to "play nicely" as they'll never see each other again.

I agree with other posters, if he's getting a rough time then just take him off to another activity.

He sounds like a perfectly nice, normal 7 year old.

steppemum · 31/05/2018 07:14

lost the end of my post.

take him away from it, praise him for sticking up for himself wrt the boomerang. Make sure he has time /space to play without needing the whole gang.

So much misunderstanding of normal child development these days.

This. is. normal. 7. year. old. behaviour. Really.

Jellycatspyjamas · 31/05/2018 07:17

Would you rather he joined them in throwing the toy on the roof and climbing to fetch it? He sounds like he’s trying to find his place, I’d be praising his ability to stand his ground and - in the case of the child with the cut knee - explain that sometimes kids find it hard to say they just don’t want to play and make excuses. If he’s always forthright he won’t get why the other child didn’t just say it.

He sounds like a fab little boy tbh.

Johnnycomelately1 · 31/05/2018 07:17

In the playground you will often see a group of 7 year olds spend the whole playtime arguing about the rules of a game, and then 1 minute to play it before the bell goes.

This x 1000. My DS and his bff adore one another but they cannot let ANYTHING go between the two of them.

Lonecatwithkitten · 31/05/2018 07:35

My DD was similar at 7, called out the bully who was verbally bullying her few friends and got physically bullied. We encouraged her to continue to stand up for what she believed was right, but change her method. Rather than challenging the bully reporting to the teacher.
She is not swayed by superficial friendship and through the 'superdry pencil case' phase of year 5 stayed away from the cool girls who were driving this.
She now has a good group of friends at 14 who value her as she is a good and honest friend who will support her friends.
She is growing into a strong resilient young woman who firmly believes in right and wrong and does not give into peer pressure.
Yes the period at age 7 was awful, but I am so pleased I did not quash her as I am so proud of what she grew into.
The characteristics your son had are beyond his years and should be encouraged and supported so he can continue to feel confident in not giving into peer pressure.

GetOffTheTableMabel · 31/05/2018 07:50

Are the older children in year 5 or year 6? If this is a holiday that’s regularly available to you, I wanted to flag up that the gap between the children’s ages, interests, maturity etc will (probably temporarily) increase at the point that the older ones go to secondary school. A gang of free-range, holidaying kids can be fun but it’s not necessarily real friendship & if the older ones think they are too cool to be kind to the your son already, please don’t leave him needing to pal around with them when they’re off at secondary school & he’s just 8 or 9. Do something else for a summer or 2.
Good luck for the rest of your week. I also think your son sounds pretty cool but then I’m trying to parent a 17 year old who is ‘easily led’!

Homemenu1 · 31/05/2018 08:04

Op I completely get what you are saying, my 8 year old is very similar, will never back down from what he think is right (even if it’s not) and he’s unable to read social situation, where he needs to lighten up a bit!

He always wants to be first and do things the best, and doesn’t see others eye rolling at him.

Euphemism · 31/05/2018 08:23

It’s a shame the op is getting a hard time. Yes it’s great for a child to be able to stand up for themselves but it’s also a miserable childhood with few/no friends and a reputation as a telltale. Like it or not - that’s how the other children will see it, not as a brave and strong child with a mind of his own.
OP - I have no useful advice, just wanted to sympathise. Parenting is hard and seeing your child struggling to make friends is very difficult.

steppemum · 31/05/2018 08:41

just to add OP, my ds was terrible like this at this age. And it felt like he took everything too seriously, and a massively over developed sense of (in)justice, and it was exhausting and hard work

He has grown into himself, and now age 15 has plenty of friends and is very sociable.

OrchidInTheSun · 31/05/2018 08:46

I don't think the OP is getting a particularly hard time. Her 7 year old is behaving like a typical 7 year old. He has a new toy and the other kids took it off him and threw it onto a roof. At that point, surely you decide to remove your child from the situation, rather than encouraging them to 'share nicely'?

ThatsWotSheSaid · 31/05/2018 08:59

No one is arm chair diagnosing anything. But the OP isn’t saying this is a one off. The reason so many people are suggesting it is because the type of behaviour to OP describes is a classic sign. It may very well be completely typical but I believe strongly in early diagnosis and intervention so just in case the op doesn’t know much about ASD I feel it good to point it out.

LaDilettante · 31/05/2018 09:25

I have a DSD who is 7. Whilst she now sounds very grown up because she can reason and discuss things, she has no filter and can be very very blunt like younger kids can be. So I wouldn't worry about your son saying it like it is. I think it's great he's standing up for himself. I personally think that it's sometimes hard to read social cues and know how to behave in large groups. Even as an adult I often find it hard to spend time in large groups and I'm not a particularly shy or introverted person. If I was you I would make sure he doesn't hang out with the kids all day and do one activity as a family every day until Sunday. That way he can still play a bit with these kids and do fun stuff with you so he's not dwelling on whatever daily drama is going on with the gang of kids.

Try to enjoy the rest of your holidays

QuackPorridgeBacon · 31/05/2018 09:31

Your poor child. What the hell is wrong with you op? You want your child to accept being picked on and just go with it? You have a child with learning difficulties hanging around with a group of mean children and are proud because his disability means he will follow what they say and do? Who will you blame when he gets hurt? Your seven year old is smart and clearly doesn’t want to take any bullshit or fake a relationship with idiots and you are being a twat to him? Are you feeling ok? They took his toy off him and were trying to wreck it on him, so you took it off him to? The words you use about your child are horrible. You just want him to “shut his mouth” why are you trying to make him into a mean kid? I swear something must be wrong with you.

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