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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS wants to work overseas

44 replies

Sweetfa22 · 30/05/2018 19:17

Trying to be neutral here. DS and his GF split up. They are both early 20's. 2 young kids between them. GF kept house and all furniture that both had bought together (social housing so she'll get HB and other benefits too as now classed as lone parent). DS is back home with us, sleeping in a cupboard on a sofa bed. He's still working FT, his commute is now an hour longer each way than when they lived together. He's completely broken, physically and mentally. He can only see his kids at the weekend when he's off. ExGF demanding he collects and drops off kids each weekend as she cant afford to travel. (dh and i arent always avail to drive them) neither of them drive so DS finishes work at 6pm then has to take 3 buses to collect kids and get them back here to ours, which ends up being after 8.30 so kids need straight to bed. (we still have 3 dependants under 9 so are busy with them too). Is it too much to ask for ExGF to arrange dropping kids on Friday pm and we can get them taken back on sundays. DS has been left with around £8k debt after buying furniture and house stuff on credit, which she still has in the house they shared (yes we've spoken to him about getting into so much debt but they never listen). He's paying maintenance for the kids and trying to pay debts. Hes no spare income so my heart is going out to him as hes lost so much. ExGF demands he take kids every weekend even though its really difficult now due to logistics. He loves his kids so much and hates not being with them. Hes now looking into a job overseas which would pay him weekly the same amount he gets monthly here. ExGF has went berserk and blocked him so now he cant even video call his kids. She said hes being selfish wanting to be away from the kids. He sees it as a great income boost and that can provide better for his kids in the future. Its possible for him to fly home every 2/3 weeks or so at the weekend, and i don't think its any worse than if he was in the forces (apart from the dangers obviously) in being away. Lots of fathers work abroad to provide for their kids. We'll obviously help watching the kids every so often too to help them out, but our house isnt big enough to have them all the time. How do you single parents feel, or parents who's partners work away. AIBU or is DS in wanting to work away or his ExGF for being grabby. Help please. Thank you.

OP posts:
Allthewaves · 30/05/2018 19:23

I don't think it's ideal for any dad to work away if it can be helped. My dh works away and it's far from ideal. Our kids miss out, he's not really involved in their lives beca use he's not here.

Firstly is he able to restructure his debt to make it more manageable - is it all in his name?

Deshasafraisy · 30/05/2018 19:23

Now that she is his ex she has no right to dictate to him how he lives his life, as long as he continues to provide for his children.

user139328237 · 30/05/2018 19:26

It's not ideal but the current situation is unsustainable at the least. If he has few prospects of getting a better job closer to home in the UK he should go for it as it is better to have him able to contribute financially than not at all which will be the case when he inevitably burns out if he continues as is.

BellyDancer124 · 30/05/2018 19:27

If I were him I would go for it. Providing he makes it back often enough to see his children, and he provides for them adequately. It’s a fantastic financial uplift. She is his ex so has no say whatsoever!

Fruitcorner123 · 30/05/2018 19:31

He needs to think long term about this decision. He is lucky enough to see them every weekend. Plenty of dad's would give anything for that. Once he moves away how would he feel if his ex finds another man and he sees his kids once a month while the other man is living with them? If he thwn moves back he may not be able to get access as frequently as it may not be in their best interests.

The debt seems hideous now. Does his maintenance reflect the facts that he has them every weekend? You talk about all the debts he has incurred but surely he is saving on the rent?

If it was my son I would be encouraging him not to do this and instead to see Citizens advice for some financial support. If his job is not important to him are there other jobs he could apply for near to your home?

titchy · 30/05/2018 19:37

Why doesn't he have any spare income? Presumably you're not charging him rent?

If he went abroad his costs would skyrocket and easily outstrip the extra income. And a weekend every few weeks - staying where? Isn't exactly conducive to a good relationship with your children.

trickyboots · 30/05/2018 19:38

Yes the non resident parent on low income can struggle like buggery, especially if there's debt involved too. Working away is not ideal but if for finite timespan and for extra cash for him and his kids then I can see why he'd want to. Both my male relatives felt like doing this after their splits. One did, one didn't. The one who didn't, is still chasing his tail 5 years later. He gave his partner all the furniture etc and has accrued communal debt in his name. I'd say finite time to be away, regularly coming back to see the children, also if you could help maintain contact with the kids in the weekends he's not there and get something agreed legally ideally. Otherwise, there's always an element of running away- and maybe with a different plan he could stay here and see them more. Very tough.

ThistleAmore · 30/05/2018 19:44

As you say, it's not necessarily any worse than Services parents (my late father was a Naval officer, and there were times when he was away from home for six months at a time. I like to think that neither my sister or I are irreversibly damaged as a result, although I could be wrong).

If his children are very young, and it will help him to get out debt more quickly (as well as hopefully building his confidence, which sounds crushingly low ATM), then why not?

I think you should perhaps enlist the help of a solicitor to mediate between your son and his ex-partner, if possible, though, so that at least he can contact his children when overseas.

Fruitcorner123 · 30/05/2018 19:45

Yes the non resident parent on low income can struggle like buggery, especially if there's debt involved too

I agree but it won't be easy for the mum either. She is now having to find rent she was sharing all by herself and do everything for the kids in the week which means getting none of the 'fun' time with them. If the dad goes abroad and comes back once a month she would be well within her rights to expect higher maintenance payments as she would be to all intents and purposes a lone parent.

The household furnishings that he has incurred debt for are being used by his children it's not like the mother has stolen them.

Could he look into agreeing slightly reduced maintenance payments to account for the furnishings. I know he probably has no legal right to do this as they are not married and it's his debt.

steff13 · 30/05/2018 19:51

The household furnishings that he has incurred debt for are being used by his children it's not like the mother has stolen them.

Sure, but if she's keeping them I think it's fair that she makes the payments on them.

Fruitcorner123 · 30/05/2018 19:52

steff13 i agree with that. I think he should probably take a cut from his maintenance payments to allow for that. I don't think he can legally do that though as presumably the debt is in his name so his only hope is to reason with her.

TroubledLichen · 30/05/2018 19:52

Would he really fly home every 2-3 weeks? The cost of that must negate most of the extra money he’ll be earning. And then what if he gets a girlfriend overseas or a good group of friends? Would he still want to keep flying back? And how long is the flight and would he get more than a day with the kids once he allows for travelling time? Plus if he’s struggling with his current commute will he cope with spending Sunday night on a plane then going to work on Monday. It just really doesn’t sound realistic to me that he could work abroad and still be an EOW Dad. BUT, short term it could be an excellent way out of his debts.

Singlenotsingle · 30/05/2018 19:56

£8k might sound a lot, but really it's not. I would suggest he goes to the bank and consolidates the debts so that he can afford the repayments more easily, and obvs he will be paying maintenance for the DC. But small children forget people easily if they don't see them very often. What work does ds do? Is there nothing nearer you?

JustHereForThePooStories · 30/05/2018 20:01

his ExGF for being grabby

How is she being grabby?

Ansumpasty · 30/05/2018 20:02

I think he should go for it. It doesn’t have to be forever.
My husband works abroad. I’m alone with 2 children. At the moment, he’s working away 2 weeks and back for 1. It’s not great but the money is better, we make it work and the kids enjoy the quality time with him a lot more.

NameChange30 · 30/05/2018 20:05

Going to the bank to consolidate his debts is a bad idea. He needs debt advice from a charity like Citizens Advice, PayPlan or StepChange.

I suggest he also asks his ex to try mediation to find a contact arrangement that suits them both. If she refuses to attend mediation he would have to go the legal route but mediation is a prerequisite for that anyway.

If it was my son I would be advising him to sort out his finances so he could stay near his children and see them as much as possible.

FASH84 · 30/05/2018 20:09

It's not ideal but neither is his situation. Could he commit to review it every six months? If he is going to earn well enough to clear debt and provide for kids and can come home regularly it seems like a viable option. Can you please share this experience in the other post of a very young lady desperate to have a baby but not considering any potential pitfalls, this could be her in a few years.

Fruitcorner123 · 30/05/2018 20:14

i am surprised at the number of people telling him to go away and leave his kids and expecting the mother to just pick up the slack. She has suddenly got extra rent to pay and is parenting on her own all through the week. She can't just decide to go and live abroad. I am not surprised she is annoyed.

Obviously if he goes he goes but he can't expect to have the opportunity of seeing them every weekend again on his return as they will be in a new routine by then and may not be as familiar or comfortable

Singlenotsingle · 30/05/2018 20:33

And as someone has pointed out, how would he feel if he came back to find a new man had moved in and was doing daddy duties? Bad enough if he was here and aware of what was going on, but ...

Original poster
Sweetfa22 · 30/05/2018 21:50

Today 20:01 @JustHereForThePooStories

his ExGF for being grabby

How is she being grabby?

Grabby probably is the wrong word. It just seems like shes quite happy to stay in the house without a thought for DS sudden lack of housing. DS doesn't have a separate living room or bedroom to accommodate his kids here. We're going to have to move DS(age 5) into the bedroom that DD's share so that eldest DS can get a room instead of a cupboard where she is now (tiny box room, no windows or air vents) i feel she doesn't care about how everything affects us as well as DS. when the kids are with ExGF they have all their own spaces obviously, whereas here it means i have to send DS3 to PIL so that his bedroom will be available for DS1 and his kids. It was ok once in a while when we'd happily watch the GC but the fact she won't even meet half way with drop offs etc rubs me a bit wrong. BTW shes already moved onto her next relationship so DS is dealing with that too. They haven't been split long either. He adores his kids and wants to be there for him, but thinks this is a good idea for a couple of years. Its a labouring job so no skills needed per ce however its fab money and hes not earning much here. He pays monthly travel, which has effectively doubled since moving back, pays loans and maintenance, buys stuff for the kids and takes them out when he has them so he really doesn't have spare money at all. I think its more the bit where she said its HIS responsibility to collect and return kids on his days. She cant afford the bus fares but expects him to be able to, plus the 3 bus journeys. I get she needs a break too but to expect him to have them every weekend so she can go out is a bit unreasonable. When does DS get a break as he works all week.? It just seems like hes got so much more to do than she has and she's not for compromising 😕. This is why i need others perspective as im of the belief that when you're a parent you don't get a break! 🤔

OP posts:
Original poster
Sweetfa22 · 30/05/2018 21:52

And EXGF is now in a gay relationship so hes not worried about any new men apparently.

OP posts:
19lottie82 · 30/05/2018 21:57

From your post you seem to hold a lot against your sons ex GF. I know his situation isn’t ideal, but the poor woman is looking after his 2 kids FFS and I doubt her finances are a walk in the park right now either.

Back to your AIBU....... I think it does make sense for him to work away if he can make 4x the money, IF you are confident he will step up and take responsibility for his kids, both financially and emotionally - he doesn’t get to just run away from his responsibilities. I can understand why his ex isn’t happy ATM.

QuinquiremeOfNineveh · 30/05/2018 21:59

Surely he'll be a better father to his children in the long term if he's debt free, has a place of his own where they can come and stay with him, and generally feels better about himself and his situation? Being a father is more than just being there to take the children for the weekend so the mother can have a break.

titchy · 30/05/2018 22:04

When does DS get a break as he works all week.

And

im of the belief that when you're a parent you don't get a break!

Bit hard to reconcile those two sentences!

Of course she has to stay in the house - she's responsible for two kids now. And it needs the furniture - clearly your Ds doesn't as he's with you. And it's not her responsibility to work out his housing options.

I suspect he'll go abroad and lose touch with his kids ('They'll be better off without me' etc) after a few months. You'll defend him of course.

19lottie82 · 30/05/2018 22:04

It just seems like shes quite happy to stay in the house without a thought for DS
sudden lack of housing

Unfortunately when a couple splits up, that’s usually how it works. And she’s in the house looking after his (their) kids!
And he’s not sleeping on a park bench, he’s living with you! (Although I appreciate this isn’t ideal)

I feel she doesn’t appreciate how everything affects us

I don’t mean to be horrible, but why on earth should she? She’s got her own issues to deal with and 2 kids to raise. I don’t think her ex’s parents should really be one of her priorities!