DS wants to work overseas

[Sweetfa22]

Trying to be neutral here. DS and his GF split up. They are both early 20's. 2 young kids between them. GF kept house and all furniture that both had bought together (social housing so she'll get HB and other benefits too as now classed as lone parent). DS is back home with us, sleeping in a cupboard on a sofa bed. He's still working FT, his commute is now an hour longer each way than when they lived together. He's completely broken, physically and mentally. He can only see his kids at the weekend when he's off. ExGF demanding he collects and drops off kids each weekend as she cant afford to travel. (dh and i arent always avail to drive them) neither of them drive so DS finishes work at 6pm then has to take 3 buses to collect kids and get them back here to ours, which ends up being after 8.30 so kids need straight to bed. (we still have 3 dependants under 9 so are busy with them too). Is it too much to ask for ExGF to arrange dropping kids on Friday pm and we can get them taken back on sundays. DS has been left with around £8k debt after buying furniture and house stuff on credit, which she still has in the house they shared (yes we've spoken to him about getting into so much debt but they never listen). He's paying maintenance for the kids and trying to pay debts. Hes no spare income so my heart is going out to him as hes lost so much. ExGF demands he take kids every weekend even though its really difficult now due to logistics. He loves his kids so much and hates not being with them. Hes now looking into a job overseas which would pay him weekly the same amount he gets monthly here. ExGF has went berserk and blocked him so now he cant even video call his kids. She said hes being selfish wanting to be away from the kids. He sees it as a great income boost and that can provide better for his kids in the future. Its possible for him to fly home every 2/3 weeks or so at the weekend, and i don't think its any worse than if he was in the forces (apart from the dangers obviously) in being away. Lots of fathers work abroad to provide for their kids. We'll obviously help watching the kids every so often too to help them out, but our house isnt big enough to have them all the time. How do you single parents feel, or parents who's partners work away. AIBU or is DS in wanting to work away or his ExGF for being grabby. Help please. Thank you.

Being a father is more than just being there to take the children for the weekend so the mother can have a break

are you a male posting this? he is not taking them at the weekend so the mother cab have a break, he is taking them because he is their parent. He is taking them for 4/14 of the week She has them the remaining 10 nights.

it will be great for him if he is debt free with a nice little house. It isn't that important to the kids. what's important to them is that they see their dad regularly

i feel she doesn't care about how everything affects us as well as DS

why should she? none of that is her responsibility.

If he is in a position where he can't afford to rent even a tiny flat then he was obviously depending on his ex financially before. He has got himself into a bad place financially and it sounds like you are blaming her. It's not her fault he took on all these debts.

At least he's looking for solutions to his debt and future.

Let him go for 6 months and see how the land lies.

The EGF can't have it all her own way. If he earns more she'll be better off financially and can afford childcare plus GP can help out etc.

He needs a plan to keep in touch via Skype etc and plan weekend visits regularly.

Maybe he schools seek a court order?

I can understand why the ex would be upset because it would be hard on the kids. Having said that her reaction was certainly unhelpful. I think DS needs to think long term. Is he gaining any experience overseas that would further his career when he returns. I'm assuming the overseas job wouldn't be particularly long term in itself?

It sounds like there's a huge amount for him to deal with and he's understandable hurt and stressed at the moment. Do you think there's a part of him that's running away from the situation?

You’re intermixing two different issues. Both are to do with the relationship break down but they are entirely separate points.

One is that when the relationship broke down, the ex stayed in the house they had been sharing and the furniture whilst your DS moved in with you. I don’t know why you’d be questioning this for a moment, the house could also be called a roof over your grandchildren’s heads and the furniture includes the beds they sleep in every night. And stop blaming her for your bedroom arrangements at home, if you didn’t have space to let DS move back in you should have told him to go and stay with a friend or look at renting a room near work.

The other is whether your son should accept a lucrative job offer overseas and balancing out the need to provide financially for his kids with having regular contact with them. It’s a very difficult decision but I think all parties would benefit if he moved; more money for the kids, DS gets out of his current career rut and improves his CV, you get your cupboard/box room back. In a year or so he moves back with his debts gone, he can apply for better jobs and hopefully afford a house for DC to stay, Ex gets more maintenance as he’s earning more.

HB is based on income NOT the landlord or the tenant being a Lp.

He loves his kids so much yet he has to be MADE to see them? A lot of nrp's would love to see their DC every weekend.

The debt was his choice/responsibility as are the DC who need a roof, home, furniture and deserve to have their lives disrupted as little as possible due to their parents splitting up.

Entirely possible the exgf can't afford the transport. Does she work? Are there time commitments re her doing drop off/pick up? Or one of them? Legally all she has to do is make the DC available.

Re working overseas I agree with exgf. Terrible timing for the children and while nrp's should pay a decent amount of maintenance, money isn't everything. This would be a huge wrench for the DC.

You say he COULD get a flight back every 2/3 weeks? But WOULD he?

4x more pay sounds great BUT he'd have to pay rent and bills for a home out there (and even if he's paying you keep it will be much more than he's currently paying. Plus places with high pay tend to have high housing costs). Rightfully he should pay more maintenance too, and he'll need to pay for flights back, and pay more toward the debts... So that "extra" money will soon disappear, he could even be worse off!

He should see a debt counsellor, look for better paid work nearer to you, appreciate the time he gets with his children.

She's NOT being grabby. (So much for neutral eh op?)

Frankly it sounds like a barely concealed excuse for running away.

I agree with everything Graphista said.

I'd also be slightly suspicious of this job. In what country do they not have enough people prepared to work as labourers for amazing money?

Where would the working abroad be?

if it would be in Europe and easy to get back, I'd say maybe go for it.

I've heard a lot of bad things about parts of the world where people don't have the same human rights as here. So I would avoid places like the United Arab Emirates.

I'd also say that working abroad would definitely drive a bit of a wedge between him and the kids and looking for ways to improve his earning potential where he is, might be better move.

Good luck, try and support him but stay neutral, it's early days and he and his ex need to work this out as amicably as they can. But I can imagine how hard it is to look on and see things being difficult for your son.

Is it something like oil rigs or mining? I had a mate who did some time mining in Australia and he was paid shit loads with minimal living costs because they live in the arse end of nowhere with costs paid.

I reckon he should do it.

@Johnnycomelately1
See my post above.

This mining in australia is apparently quite tough so they're always looking for people.

I do think that whatever the decision is, access arrangements and custody etc need to be formalised. I was never in his situation but would take the option of moving away if in his shoes.

Working full-time with a long commute and then travelling so far Friday and Sunday with entertaining the kids the Saturday is not a sustainable way to live permanently. People need some down time to prepare for the next week. There is pros and cons to the situation but at some point he needs to move closer to the kids,the travelling cannot be enjoyable for them either. If taking the job is really the only way to get himself out of the situation then do it but I'd be saving every penny to get back here quick.

The issue is the debt and distance to work. I wouldn't leave the country, his living costs would go up and it sends totally the wrong message to the kids. I would look for work closer to where you live to save on time and money there, and focus on his relationship with the kids. Of course she is still in the house, she has the kids!

Long term look for ways to earn more/retrain, pay down debt etc

Sorry but it seems the EX girlfriend wants it all her own way and is not willing to meet your son half way!!

AIBU or is DS in wanting to work away or his ExGF for being grabby

Grabby? If she were grabby she’d push him onto the next plane and laugh all the way to the bank.

There are long term implications to working away from his children. He needs to think that through although short term, it might help financially, what happens to his relationship with his children and how do they feel?

am surprised at the number of people telling him to go away and leave his kids and expecting the mother to just pick up the slack. She has suddenly got extra rent to pay and is parenting on her own all through the week. She can't just decide to go and live abroad. I am not surprised she is annoyed

This. It is not unreasonable to expect a parent to parent 2 out of 7 days. It is not unreasonable she lets her hair down or gets a new partner. I would look at how he could see his children during the week so that he has an every other weekend situation but contact every week so that he too gets some down time.

She has no right to dictate to him. What difference would it make to her life other than she has her own children to look after on more weekends. That could be evened out by him taking them off holidays etc.

I wonder if she thinks once he is s out of the U.K. that he’ll disappear along with the maintenance payments...

Thanks folks. As usual, the huge varied amount of replies on each end of the spectrum. Im going to show DS these replies and see how he reacts.
To those who say I'd support him even if he cut ties with his kids, then i can assure you that will never happen. He'll never lose contact through his choice, and we as GP would fight for access too (although as DS is only legally responsible for the youngest child, i pray it would never get to that stage as he considers the elder child as his firstborn, he's been with ExGF since she was 6 months pg with DC1. We also class their DC1 as our first GC)
ExGF has always said she'd never split the kids and i truly believe this. She's also said she'd never stop us as GPS seeing them. For this im grateful.
DS job offer is in Europe, apparently digs are included, however i hadn't thought about the slave labour trade side of things, exploitation etc so I'll need to look into that with him too. Thank you for highlighting that to me.
And for the record, I've got absolutely no hard feelings towards the ExGF as i know she's hurting too. She doesn't work, and has very little family support. We try to be supportive to her too but its difficult when she wont answer calls or messages. She's refusing to contribute towards the accumulated joint debt as said shes spent her share on birthday and Christmas gifts. This hurts DS as obviously he contributed to the gifts too but is left paying it all himself.
Obviously you can't get blood from a stone but even a nominal contribution or offer of such would have helped him) I'll definitely get him to talk to a debt advisor too, that hopefully will help.
I sincerely hope that they will manage to make things more amicable in the future as the most important part of this is the DC. I appreciate all your comments. Thank you.

OP - you've had lots of nasty replies on here from many of the usual suspects.

Your DS is very young to be a separated dad and, given his living arrangements, debt, hostile ex etc I'd be worried about his mental health.

I'd encourage him to get some legal advice re. access and then get himself abroad to earn some money and get his head together.

He might save enough for a deposit on his own place to have his kids.

Good luck to him.