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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to give up doing chores for my family

40 replies

MrsMuddlePluck · 30/05/2018 19:10

After 23 years of fetching, carrying, cleaning, cooking - you know the scenario - I have now stopped doing the chores for my now grown-up family. Trouble is no-one seems to have noticed, until DH realises he hasn't got an ironed shirt for his interview and then I get a boll*&^g.

My kids are now 20, 19 and 15. They all have different food fads and tastes so it's impossible to cook for everyone - so I don't.

They can do laundry but 'forget' to dry and certainly never iron anything. I have shown them all how, when they were younger, but they show no inclination to do it - just moan at me when I haven't.

Both DH and I work f-t, but I am the one who has to decide on dinner, walk the dog, clean up the mess they've left in the kitchen, nag them to put their dirty stuff in the laundry bins, etc. DH is actually as bad as they are - there is a mountain of dumped clean and dirty clothes on the floor, so big now that I cannot now move my chair out at the dressing table [MY space] to do my hair so I have to stand, straddling his sh*t and trying not to lose my balance.

I have tried pointing out / gently suggesting / nagging / shouting / full-on screaming, but nothing works so I decided a while back that I wouldn't get rattled, but would just ignore the undone chores.

I am simply too tired [mentally - I'm physically very fit] to bother any more. Am I right to hold out like this?

OP posts:

Bananalanacake · 30/05/2018 19:12

Yes

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 30/05/2018 19:15

This is shit OP but sadly you've allowed it.
You're not their servant but you've behaved like one all this time so they don't know any difference.

I suggest you sit them all down, give them a rotate of who does what and stop doing everything for them.

Queenoftheblitz · 30/05/2018 19:17

Oh yes do it. Maybe add your own mess to their mess to make it worse? Use up every dinner plate and leave them piled dirty in the sink. Embrace this mess and lie back and eat bon bons.
If you can afford it, book into a hotel for a break from it all.
Use up all the loo roll and dont replace it. Hide some foryourself.

Fruitcorner123 · 30/05/2018 19:20

You should have stopped years ago but I know that's not helpful now. Are you joking when you say you get a bollocking from your DH? Whatever your situation that is totally not on. How did you respond?

Just let them wear creased, damp smelling clothes and eat pot noodles if they can't manage a simple task. that's the only way they will learn anyway.

welshmist · 30/05/2018 19:24

They would live like that at uni. anyway. Takes a while for the penny to drop

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 30/05/2018 19:24

Bundle up all the shit left on floor by your DH and put it on his side of the bed, preferably under the duvet.
Enjoy the empty space left.

Dirty pans IN teenager's beds too

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 30/05/2018 19:25

Yes to keeping your own stash of toilet roll!

welshmist · 30/05/2018 19:27

Oh I would throw piles of clothes out of the window, I did that once, went in to tidy room could not find floor so opened window and lobbed everything out. I would continue to do for DH if he agreed to splitting chores. Which mine now does.

AndhowcouldIeverrefuse · 30/05/2018 19:27

Bundle up all the shit left on floor by your DH and put it on his side of the bed, preferably under the duvet.

This. Or leave it all in his car, on his seat. Ditto with your DC's stuff. They will soon get it.

OhHolyJesus · 30/05/2018 19:32

My mum used to put my sisters dirty washing under her covers.

She soon started washing her own pants when her clean ones ran out.

TheDowagerCuntess · 30/05/2018 19:42

Trouble is no-one seems to have noticed, until DH realises he hasn't got an ironed shirt for his interview and then I get a boll&^g.

What the actual fuck?

Lilacwine1 · 30/05/2018 19:42

Do your own washing and cooking, they will soon notice when there's nothing to eat, and they find their dirty washing is still where they left it.

Lollypop701 · 30/05/2018 19:48

Go you! Bloody fab post, and you are absolutely fabulous

YouTheCat · 30/05/2018 19:57

Who the fuck does he think he is to give you a bollocking for not ironing his shirt?

It sounds like a miserable way to live. Would you consider leaving?

Original poster

MrsMuddlePluck · 30/05/2018 22:37

Loving some of the ideas on here and feeling much more confident in my strength to 'hold out'. I had a huge reserve of patience, but after so long it has finally run out.

The comment about them 'being at uni' is really telling. Thanks weshmist!

OP posts:

justilou1 · 30/05/2018 23:39

Bin bags are designed with just this in mind. Make sure your own things are washed, ironed, sorted & put swag to your own liking, but those man children of yours can get to fuck.

justilou1 · 30/05/2018 23:40

Also, make sure you have plenty of the kind of wine you enjoy and the remote control.

ferntwist · 30/05/2018 23:42

YANBU. This is brilliant. I look forward to hearing how they react and change. Cannot believe you did all this for so long with all four of them and held down a full time job.

Maelstrop · 30/05/2018 23:50

Do it! Once they can hold a duster, you shouldn’t be doing it (am channelling Nanny Ogg from the Pratchett books).

I’ve been working every waking hour this week, literally 30 minutes breaks for food and the house is a shit heap. I just don’t care, nor does the dh. At some point, I’ll crack, but I have a huge deadline which is all I care about currently. The DH will have to do something soon!! (Not really, I am equally if not more to blame for the dirt, I will take a break by Saturday and shove the vacuum round)

LouiseCheese123 · 31/05/2018 00:03

I love your approach! Bear in mind though that they might not notice or care that the house is a tip, and it could last some time (my mum used to come to my student house with her rubber gloves, bless her, but I'm ashamed to say we didn't even notice she'd cleaned, and would have made no difference to us if she hadn't). I'm generalising here but a lot of young people just don't notice mess or dirt. Now I'm in my 30s I'm a total neat freak - way, way more than my mum - she can't quite believe it.

Dibbosteme · 31/05/2018 00:08

I know a working Mum who ran her own business and proudly told anyone who would listen that her teenage children simply did their own washing and ironing. They got plenty of financial support from hard working parents and she felt this was the least they could do. It isn't so long ago that children worked down the mines, so doing a bit of laundry is not a big deal.

On one occasion when I found my adult daughter's neatly folded ironing (done by me) in a messy pile on the bedroom floor, I realised that because I had given up my own time to do it, it held no value for her.

Let them sort out their own stuff, after all when they move out they will need to learn this. I will hoover and tidy the living areas and clean the bathroom and downstairs toilet, because it matters to me. but now I shut the bedroom doors with all their stuff behind them.

Wishmeluck2018 · 31/05/2018 00:21

yanbu

I will do the same in few years time too. The amount of chores is so overwhelming. I work FT with 3 kids too although DH walks the dog.

Original poster

MrsMuddlePluck · 31/05/2018 22:15

Glad to hear I'm not the only one. I will stick with it.

DH has realised today that I hadn't ironed anything for him and because he was late leaving for work [he started at 10, so I'd been at work for an hour and a half by then] he suddenly found he had to iron his own shirt and did it himself!

OP posts:

GladysKnight · 31/05/2018 22:19

Result!

Singlenotsingle · 31/05/2018 22:24

My dp insists on doing his own washing and ironing. He does it better than I do (fine by me!) And he cleans the kitchen and does washing up on Saturday mornings and cooks dinner on Saturday evenings. He puts the bins out. I do everything else, but I'm retired so I spend the time eating grapes and chocolates!

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